On this day I found myself
The recipient of an odd package.
It arrived, much to my dismay
On a day I was wholly prepared to dismiss.
No flashy ribbon, no flagrant chromatic display
Adorned such a lifeless gift;
More in its capacity to leech than its incapacity to be.
It was a dull thing, the thought resounded
From many an hour, era past;
To be discarded to its very embodiment,
Betrayed by the needles’ rhythmic spasms,
Buried in its deserts, obscured by its sands,
Characterized by the cycle of hopeful birth and inevitable decay,
Fractured and pieced together only by a tenacity as titanic as
Time.
A fitting future for that which sought to convey unto me
A similar, albeit much worse fate,
The subjugation of my ever-after.
For my will is that of a lone man, a concrete, finite being,
Pale in comparison to the march of eternity,
Which greedily swallows with it the tears, remorse, and tragedies
Inherent to the flawed husk on which it treads.
The future, it speaks to life;
The past, it disregards;
The present, it gazes into,
Glares towards the pit of my resentment and scoffs.
Yes, my will pales, a mere rodent to the great machination that is
Time.
Dynamic,
Immutable,
Everlasting.
My heart bades me burn the pages,
My mind begs me aside,
My soul weeps at the scars of a familiar foe.
I locked away my fears in the very container they arrived in
And, sighing, set it across from me.
Phooey, no return address.
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141,802 Literary Works • 675,837 Reviews
Wow... I actually like this. I could feel the emotions running through. I could actually hear and feel your words. Your description was really good, you created an imagery in the readers mind, and I appreciate that.
However, I felt like it is hard to actually understand the message of the poem, I can feel the emotions. I hear the words, I understand the description of the gift, but what is the message? It might just be me that missed this, but, I don't know what the message is.
Overall, I like the idea of the poem, I like your ways of showing emotions, just let me know what the message is.
Looking forward to your next work.
Zaimat
*cracks knuckles* Ah, another long, daunting prospect of a poem. I just did your either one, but this one was posted first so I guess I should've started here, but oh well I don't think that will ruin the review too much. This one will be broken up so bear with me.
I find this to be a bit dry, i would suggest throwing in some words that aren't just placeholders and have a lot of meaning to the overall story you're trying to convey, but this could just be me as well. Anyway, onward.
See, my main problem with this is that it sounds dry. Not the tone, per say, but the word choices in general seem like one big dictionary search in just a few lines and that really throws me off whenever it comes to this.
I will say the line,"Betrayed by the needles' rhythmic spasms, Buried in its deserts" was a really good line, however, but i think you could've skipped the next couple of lines and just left it there for a more dramatic feel(to get rid of some of that choppiness.)
Okay so basically most of the rest of the poem is either repetition, or listing off adjectives. And honestly I wasn't much for it. I see the idea you're potraying here, and I would like to see that run wild instead of the listing that you've been doing in here. That usually gets done by around draft three, which is also when you'll want to have punctuation and capitalization decided on as well.
Anyway, I think that's all. Same as always, keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, Casanova.