z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

the root of [???] is less than or equal to the source

by Sachiko



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Sat Dec 31, 2016 10:20 am
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Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

So I love it when there are short things that contain punchlines. I say it a lot that I hate it when poetry focuses on the ending line or lines of the poem, but that's more of the case when something is long and drawn out. I enjoyed the content and the simplicity of that but I didn't really like the structure that you chose for it? I felt that it didn't capture the poem with the strongest potential or emotional impact and that you can do something else that has something stronger to it. Structurally, I think you can still do something with this poem without it having to just be standard, but I didn't find this to have more impact than you would if you just typed it out.

I'd suggest playing around with it in that aspect but I didn't really find many problems when it comes to the actual poem but I did want to touch on the meaning. I took it as the speaker often putting this other person (whom I'm assuming they have a romantic relationship with? It could also just be some other form, but that's how I interpreted it and applied it myself.) on a pedestal or acting as if the other person is better than them. It's something that's subtly put in the poem without having to be spelled out, so I liked that.

I liked this poem also because it happened to hit me hard on a spiritual level since I've experienced or seen these kinds of relationships whether they're romantic or platonic, happen before. It has a lot to do with self-worth compared to other people and I think you did enough with this just for it to be powerful and I'd say to keep the length the same. Short and to the point, though I'd like to see you play with the structure.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




Sachiko says...


Thanks so much!!



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Sat Dec 31, 2016 5:15 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Sachiko! Niteowl here to review this lovely short piece. It's my first review in a while so bear with me.

As far as the content goes, I love it. The wording is short and powerful and basically perfect. Therefore, I'm going to get nit-picky about everything else.

First off, the indents and line breaks. I don't really get the indents. Maybe I'm missing something, but I don't see what advantage they have over standard indentation. Also, I'm undecided on whether I like the "I" at the end of the third line, or if I would prefer it at the beginning of the next line. It could really go either way.

Secondly, the capitalization. Again, there might be more of a purpose here that I'm not seeing, but I feel like you should either capitalize "I" or don't, as opposed to the mixed capitalization there is now. Personally, I would favor capitalizing I, as it feels like the narrator is gaining self-esteem and moving on from a bad relationship. To me, an uncapitalized I can mean that the narrator doesn't have very high self-esteem, which contradicts the words of the poem.

For a similar reason, I would consider capitalizing "God". Not for convention/tradition's sake, but to show that this God is something higher and more sacred than "you" could ever be.

Again, this is all very nit-picky stuff, and this is an amazing short poem. Great job and keep writing! :D




Sachiko says...


Thank you so much!!! Truthfully i didn't even notice that "I" was capitalized--I'd wanted to leave everything uncapitalized "for the aesthetic" but i enjoy your interpretation so I may leave it. As for the line breaks, i was honestly playing around with white space and I'm still not sure what I think.

Thanks again!!




"We're just all nosy little busybodies."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi