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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
I really like this, I think it's creative, enticing, and interesting! I love how you had blacked out certain words you intended to not let the reader know, I thought it was very mysterious, encouraging me to read more! I also liked how you crossed different lines out, as if you were actually writing the thought in pen and you couldn't erase it and just crossed it out. I think you did a wonderful job! Keep up the good work!:)
Kimi! I want your poetry, woman.
I like what's going on in your second and fourth stanzas, but especially the ending of the fourth. Your literal use of black space really works, and does not leave odd space between words. Which, granted, I'm assuming is intentional in the previous stanzas, though it stands out the most in the third. But, it also reads like a redacted document, so, yay literalism! But, if we look at that same use in the first stanza, you can almost ignore it entirely, so I'm not sure if you wanted more emphasis there or what, but I'm not sure you're necessarily achieving it since I can also see you just nixing that entire bit and it not having an effect with the words. Visually, absolutely, but not in terms of just your words (or lack thereof).
That said! I like what you're playing with, here. I really want to know if you actually have words under the black-out, because I'm either reading this as a bit wandering (and wondering), or with a laser focus that I'm not entirely sure you intended? But it goes back to a conversation we were having with the group a few days ago or so, and this could go a couple ways even within that context. Anyway.
<3
Just wanted to say I love this. <3 Thank you for sharing. You should definitely get this published somewhere. I can help you find a publication if you want to PM me.
-Dream
Hello Sachiko! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!
lines three through
Give me your soul.With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go! Oh boy, this will be a hard one.
Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough= removeUnderline = krazy Kara komments.
|||| = Black spaces
Spoiler
seven are
stuck through withsilverfor silence (but in their road you can
see the words and their associations -- skin
that will hold my fingertips even as i -- |||||
|)
at night {i} had forgotten which
dreams are
acceptableinmy own head. in the morning my coffee cup
tastes like last night's whispers to myself
because even drinking it black
won't erase how sweet {i} ||||| |||||| want to be.
lines ten and fourteen are
bold typeface telling me that i
am only doing this to fit in. lines
sixteen through twenty-three are testaments
to my non-|||||, and my inability to ||||| that I would
be |||| |||| | |||| as I would be ||| | |||.
(and yet my
own denial is lines twenty-four through
one thousand, a blanket
i can wrap around
myself to keep warm when
there is no one else in
my bed. i could fill
and entire book with
{i} want: |||
{i} want: ||||||
{i} want: |||)
My interpretation:
you miss your old love?
just want to say: boys are stupid. and girls too, sometimes. but mostly boys.
Overall:
I loved this poem. It totally deserves the like. Wait. You can't like twice. Nevermind XD
Anyways, the breaking up of lines usually breaks up flow, but in this case it improved on it. This poem was beautiful and I look forward to more
Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --
Kara