The smoldering cinders dance in the sky, moving to silent music only they can hear. They pirouette, and they twirl, flitting against the grey smoke. How could something be so breathtakingly beautiful and yet so vicious?
The embers float on the breeze. Some may die, small whimpers escaping as they fade into darkness, but others will light like butterflies on the trees, brushing against the leaves, as they kiss them gently.
The embers will only lie stationary for a moment. A small twist of air will send them back into the flurries of movement, and they will fly back to the dance floor, leaving small entities of themselves to be cared for by the trees. The trees will nurture, and in return, the embers will give radiance of the most terrible kind.
The massacre will fly through the trees, the grasslands, the sky, any clear space they can reach. The small dancers will caress the clouds, and hide in the smoke. They will twirl each other in a flurry of twists and turns that will be remembered for years. Remembered for being lovely. Devastating.
Eventually, the silent music will die. The embers will fall, no, float to the ground, fading like their fellows before them. Their small souls escape into the blazing heat of their parents, the smoldering flames of what they would have been, if they had not decided to dance.
The flames do not mourn their lost children; do not even know they have lost them. They carry on their alluring, cataclysmic duties, minds set to the work they must carry out. They are the Armageddon that must come before rebirth. Destruction must always come. It may be prolonged, even avoided for a time, but it must always come.
The blaze will move on, going through barriers as if they were the smoke that they themselves cast off. They will move on until they fade out and die like their children before them, or until they are forcefully stopped by either rain or man.
When the onslaught is put to an end, when the dying elegance, in the midst of gasping breaths, glance behind their shoulders and see the ruin, they will smile to themselves, happy with the work they have done. They will lie down quietly, and fade away, their ashes dancing in the wind as their children did, leaving behind the paths of beautiful carnage.
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140,588 Literary Works • 673,542 Reviews
Hey Girl!
Beautiful Carnage! Beautiful...and full of carnage. Juxtaposition at its best I must say.
Sachiko, Sachiko. My dear, this is such a great expression of life's truest adversaries both light and dark. I'm very fond of nature and its existence is crucial. So, normally when someone would write about the conflagration of vegetation I'd say, "Ooooooo girl! Burning trees was really what you were shooting for?" However, with this magical piece you completely made me forget about what was happening, and more or less numbing my vision. Here's why:
Usually with reviews I tend to stray away from complicated grammar and instead work on your voice to your audience. I'll leave the nit-picky things to people who know a lot more than I about proper grammar. On the small note though; it seems like you jumble your thoughts together with commas. This is really good for listing thoughts, and emotions, but not always for description.
This piece reminded me more of an example of 'short hand' epic poetry. I'd be very curious to see what you could do with a story written entirely for epic poetry. It might be quite bad ass!
Now, onto your story...
If we were referring to this as 'poetry,' I'd say that the first two stanzas of your piece are what really get my noodle baking. You compare the figments of ash and cinders to dancers.
--"The smoldering cinders dance in the sky, moving to silent music only they can hear. They pirouette, and they twirl, flitting against the grey smoke."
---This is genius! Every author tries to hook the reader with a nice flow to their writing. By personifying the flames with dancing you also added a somewhat 'beat' to your spoken word. It side tracked me from the story and instead allowed me to marvel at your dialect. You go girl! Make me forget that 'forest fire!'
It was also very interesting how you made it seem like the two - fire and nature - are lovers as if they were 'starstruck lovers.' I don't know if it was intentional, but you added a sense of innocence to the already vicious destruction taking place. Perhaps, this was your hidden intention in naming it "Beautiful Carnage?"
Lastly, I must give you bragging rights!
After volcanoes erupt the soil becomes very fertile. I studied environmental science for awhile and without eruptions; it seems like the earth would lose its balance of weather and stability. The earth sort of 'releases' pressure and afterwards where ever the devastation is - nature is more abundant and lush.
So, incredibly you displayed all of that in a short prose. Once the fires have consumed all in their path; the nurturing begins. Without either of the two...vegetation wouldn't remain. Desolate!
Thank you for sharing this with us. It was well worth my time to read.
--- 4/5
Michael<---
Aiyeee, that really is a mouthful. @_@ Thanks for pointing that out, Kylan-san!! ^_^ I'll be sure to look over your suggestions and fix those things. Again, thank you!
Entry Critique:
I've always liked the word carnage.
Anyway, as a piece of flash fiction, this was good. It has a rolling, poetic format to it that not many people can pull off. This isn't anything necessarily unique, but it's still fun to read.
I really enjoyed how you juxtaposed the harshness of a fire with gentle kisses and pirouetting dancers. It's a true sign of a good writer when you can take two completely opposite elements and cocktail mix them together into something that meshes. However, after the first six paragraphs or so, I found my attention wandering. And this is flash fiction. Not good. Something so short should have enough simple calories to provide that initial burst of energy. Anything under 2,000 words should keep me rooted to the screen (or page) for it's entire duration. Work on trimming this down. Sure, it'll be shorter, but no one likes high fat truffles. Savvy?
Also, I found that you used the phrase "beautiful carnage" a couple times too many. I know that that was the theme you were trying to emphasize but too much of a good thing makes my head hurt, ja? Just cut one or two BCs out and you'll be good to go.
Watch your '-ing' words there, hon. Happens to the best of us, myself included. Try to find some past tense verbs to replace them with. As a rule, one or two '-ing' words per sentence, huh?
Wow. This was a mouthful. Think about breaking this down into two or three sentences. Sometimes rapid fire is the most impacting. Consider: The embers will fall, no, float to the ground, fading like their fellows before them. Small souls escaping into the blazing heat of their parents: smoldering flames of what they would have been, if they had not decided to dance. Better?
Anyway, good work.
-Kylan
I know what you mean, but still, I'd nix "of," it just throws off the rhythm.
That's an awful lot of similes. It might help to make some of them metaphors instead, or simply adjectives (lovingly caressing the bark).
Clunky. Try "for a moment/instant" or "The embers will only briefly lie stationary."
Might want to replace one of those.
Again, feels slightly clunky, especially as compared to the beautiful flow you've built up. I think it's the "of" that's killing you here, why not simply "any clear space"?
Making the "lovely" and "devastating" parts into their own separate sentences would give those words so much more power. Something like (but obviously not word-for-word): "remembered for years. So lovely. So devastating." You see? More punch.
The first one is perfect, leave it there, but change the second.
Beautiful. Perfectly demonstrates the kind of tone you've gone for here and, for the most part, achieved.
Not positive, but I think that's the wrong kind of "dying." "dieing"? Not sure...
Kitty-chan! Quite a loverly little bit you have here, don't freak out about my long crit, it's practically all just polish--you've got a gem! Do let me know if I can ever be of service again. *bows*
This was really good. The flow was awesome, and the language you used was deep and pretty. It almost sounds like a poem.
Eeeek! Thank you so much! ^_^ I really appreciate your comments, and will certainly go and fix those things.
Again, thanks!! ^_^
Cat-sama! I'm so glad that you posted something! What, do you only post one thing every couple of months?
You're a little comma crazy. XD I would take out the one in this sentence.
That was pretty good. It was really descriptive and awesome. I really don't have any other critique to give.
-Jared
Wow, Black Cat. This was amazing. It was a very poetic and sensual way to describe what I'm going to guess is a bushfire?
One little thing:
I think you should be consistent with your punctuation there. Either two hyphens around "no", or two commas.
Other than that, this piece flowed really well, and aroused beautiful imagery. You make the bushfire (?) seem tame and calm, not a tragic disaster of nature, as though it was meant to happen.
Well done.