Published April 1, 2005
Toss Me
Change sang smoothly,
Change, the open door,
Fast and peaceful slings the night through life,
Oh, how you sang to me to make me see through it,
Damp blue creeping night, smooth and lazy cold,
Damp that seeps and spreads and wavers,
Smooth lazy flatness of water,
smooth before the storm,
wind that smarts against sand and stone,
wind that is a mad laugh that conjures,
and falling into step behind it is the roughness of storm,
feelings, stirrings find you here,
Help me, sing me, draw me through,
Blink, blink madly, the image flickers,
Blink into quiet yellow, into yellow windy meadow,
Hide from me the volcanic night,
Sing me into yellow summer.
Peace sang softly, softly, like blue smoothness,
Quiet finds the opened wings of change,
Winds of change, yellow, laughing, fast and spinning,
Volcano of feelings that see not relief in stealth,
Shake madly, dance in the yellow summer smell,
Blinking quietly in your corner,
Perceive this mild medley whirlwind,
Help me, change me, you who are quiet, in the know,
Smooth lazy hurt is left behind,
Hidden behind a damp blue wall of untouchable memory,
Find for me my wick of truth, my center, my pool of yellow.
Field of thoughts in blinking yellow light,
Light through curtains or passing trees,
Feeling lazy as you sang me on,
Keep me quiet, keep me mad,
Smart madness and feelings of blue,
Tumbling time of change that blows through,
And as summer fades into reflective darkness,
And steady wind is quiet contemplation,
I repeat the mind and dream you sang,
The openness of change dwindles into peace of truth.
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey there.
I've read a couple of your poems and while you're doing pretty good with most things, there's still some of the standards bothering me. In the technical range, the imagery is a bit much and it feels like you're depending too much having all these pretty images. That's the nicest wording I can come up with, besides comparing the descriptions to purple prose. Poetry has some extents for how you describe things, compared to the free for all that most people think it is.
This is too much without enough content. The poem works against the reader with the over the top imagery and the structure, which is just presenting them with a wall of text. I have nothing against long poems and I appreciate the work that goes into such a piece, but this isn't working with the current structure. It's just a feeling of too much to work through for little return in message.
Then we come to how these factors all wrapped up in the flow, which doesn't really exist here for me. It's rather choppy to go through and the caps on every line certainly aren't helping. I don't know how many times I've explained that capitalization on every line isn't necessary for poetry, and that in most cases it's going to do more harm than good. Also harming the flow is that use of punctuation, where I'm sure some of the commas aren't actually needed.
So what I see here is that you're trying to come up with a deep message and have a nice presentation, but it's currently too overwhelming for the reader.
Good start though.
Happy revmo.
- lizz
I agree: this is great the way it is. I especially liked,
'Find for me my wick of truth, my center, my pool of yellow.'
great job!
I really liked that. I don't think you should change anything.