z

Young Writers Society



Present Tense

by Sabine


Present Tense-WIP

Fandom: none/original

Author's Notes: Has only been bata briefly read, and it's not even a first full chapter. x-posted at my.

Summery: "...This is not where you want to be but you know the people who are paying you. You know them. They’re people you don’t say no to."

Disclaimer: I don't own them, they own themselves.

I. Present- Ghasakis III, Traveel City, Hyatt2 Hotel - 06:44 local time

Dawn crowned the sky and seeped over the rooftops. Aela watched as Traveel began to stir after the lull between the night and morning crowds. She could see the tops of the stalls in the public market below and the bustle of people beginning their business day there. In the near distance to the east she could see the gilt outline of the People’s Temple perched like a spiny crown on top of Daliverre’s Hill, and in the far distance to the southeast she could see the umber desert that stretched to the horizon line and beyond.

After the height of the mid-day heat Aela planned to hire transport out of the interplanetary port city, Traveel, to the desert city, Oasis. She had a little flat there whose rent needed paying and whose closets needed airing. Her mind drifted ahead to that time, picturing herself making spiced tea in her kitchen, with the golden sunlight filling the rooms and reflecting softly off the adobe-facsimile walls. She pictured sitting on her small shaded balcony and letting the heat seep into her body as though she were a plant and not a human, unfurling and feasting on light.

Aela was exhausted. The cold of Korvalis was still in her bones, and still fresh in her memory.

She lay back on the double bed with the plain green bedspread and took deep breaths of dry, climate controlled air. It was still the middle of the night according to Interstellar Standard Time and her bodily clock. She toed off her shoes and listened to them fall on the floor beside the bed. She was asleep as soon she curled on her side.

There was an insistent beeping noise. Alarm klaxons, she thought, her body tensed for action, her mind was back at Wolsey’s Landfall. She heaved herself off the bed before her eyes were open, and then found herself in the middle of a generic hotel room, crouched in a defensive stance. Not klaxons, she realized, but the alert noise for and incoming communication. Aela walked over and sat clumsily at the desk and hit the appropriate button on the built-in computer. She found herself blinking at Kren’s stern face.

“Hello, Kren,” she said steadily, but uncertain what he was doing calling her so soon after they parted ways, “Missed me already?”

“There’s a job for you if you’re interested,” said Kren without preamble.

“By which you mean you’ve got an assignment for me and you need me to say yes.”

“Aela…”

“No. No jobs. I’m taking a break. After that last one I deserve it.”

“I know, I know, and you’re right, you do deserve it. And you will have a break, right after you do this one thing.”

“No, Kren. I’m not working right now. Get Parmir, or Jess, or even that new kid, Ziv.”

“We need a woman for this one, Aela. And don’t say Bess could do it because she can’t. She’s a terrible actress.”

Aela groaned inwardly. So it was one of those.

“Listen, if you do this, I’ll owe you one. One favor, within, you know, a certain amount of

reason, as well as your share of the profit. And you get to choose your second.”

Aela sighed. “Fine, fine, I’ll do it- But after this I’m taking a real vacation, somewhere no one will be able to reach me and bribe me back into service. For now though, let me go back to sleep.”

“Don’t you want to know what the job is?”

“Yeah- but you can tell me that tomorrow when you come to pick me up. Now go away.”

“There’s that winning personality we all know and love.”

Aela grinned at him tiredly. “Good-bye, Kren.” She ended the transmission and walked back to the bed. She flopped down and ran her hands through her hair. So much for a break.

I. Before – Korvalis, Wolsey’s Landfall, Alliance Mining Outpost, -22:53pm local time

We are living inside the skin of a bubble, the universe, the infinite moment. The galaxies are spinning and drifting, the planets orbiting their stars in a constant of subliminal motion and snow is falling on the damp street. You step out onto the quiet sidewalk and watch your breath turn into mist in the air. It’s the middle of the night here. You can already feel the cold beginning to seep through your coat and you can feel apprehension fluttering in your chest. This is not where you want to be but you know the people who are paying you. You know them. They’re people you don’t say no to.

Kren steps up behind you, tugging at his coat and adjusting his scarf. You can see him fidgeting out of the corner of your eye. He shuffles his feet in the snow and you know that he’s thinking of apologizing for dragging you out to this ice ball of a backwater planet and into this mess. But you don’t want him to apologize and if he does you feel you are likely to hit him. Or perhaps you will just turn and walk back into the transport hub and catch the first ship away from here.

“Aela,” he says softly. He’s got this low gravely voice like he’d worn it out when he was younger and this was all that was left. You look straight into his eyes in that way you know unsettles people. He’s shorter than you by a few inches- just enough that he has to tip his chin up to look at your face. You watch as his expression hardens. Snow clings to his short, graying hair. “Look, Aela, just do as you’re told on this one, okay? These aren’t good people and you don’t want to draw their attention.”

“I can take care of myself,” you say thinking, ‘it’s too late, they already know me.’

“I know you can take care of yourself. I’m not disputing that. I’m just saying, don’t get in their faces. And for god’s sake don’t get into bed with any of them, that’s the last thing any of us needs”

You feel your apprehension coarsen into anger. “How low your opinion of me is,” you say coldly. “I may be female but I’m not indiscriminate, not am I mentally deficient in any way. You of all people should know that I know when to keep my hands to myself. And you should listen to your own advice, I mean, do I have to remind you about that incident on Chernovic?”

Kren took his hands out of his pockets and held them up in a sign of surrender. “Hey, hey, I didn’t mean anything by it. I just gave Parmir the exact same lecture.”

You pull your gloves on roughly. “Right. Of course. Got it.” You look at your feet in the iced over snow and then at the building beyond the causeway. It’s an ugly graceless city and even the fresh snow can’t quite make up for it, but even this small outpost is better than what lies ahead.

Kren sighs a puff of white condensation and looks away. “Lets get to the hotel,” he says sounding oddly tired. He starts down the sidewalk with crunching footsteps. You glance at the transparent doors of the hub with longing and then follow after him.

II. Present - Ghasakis III, Traveel City, Hyatt2 Hotel- 23:24

Kren shows up at her door late the next night. She holds the door open for him wordlessly and watches as he walks over and sits on the edge of her bed. Her bones feel tight and Kren is still looking at her like he’s being careful. She’s wearing a dress of layers black gauze- Shavellian silk, she’d bought it in the market places just hour earlier, and her hair is brushed smooth. Kren is watching her glimmer darkly.

She looks better rested than the last time he saw her and he says so. She also looks pissed as hell but he doesn’t mention it.

“I’ve had 49 hours of vacation. Enough time for a nap. Not enough time for a tan,” she deadpans.

Kren nods. “You ready to go?”

“Sure. You don’t want me to change first?”

“No,” he says, looking at the way the dress clings to her hips. Parmir and Ziv are going to stare at her like she’s a king’s concubine but she won't mind. She is glorious.

“Alright then, lets get out of here.” She grabs her duffle bag and they leave.

Kren has the shuttle parked in a rented space atop the massive transport hub. Aela looks around at the crowded streets and animated billboards as though she’ll be sad to leave them. He feels guilty suddenly for dragging her away. He remembers her telling him once that she could almost see Ghasakis III as home. This is Aela though, so he knows better. There’s just something in her spirit that makes her drift.

He catches her elbow and pulls her aside into an entrance way of shop that’s closed for the night. The air is hot and dry and filled with a strange mix of smells. Warmth radiates from the pavement. Aela looks at Kren with raised eyebrows.

“Am I wrong to be insisting you come back early? There’s still time for me to get Bess out here instead,” Kren asks, not quite meeting her eyes.

Aela’s brows draw together in confusion, “What’s going on here? Don’t you think I can handle myself?”

“That’s not it. It’s just,” Kren shrugs. “If you tell me you don’t want to do, then you don’t have to. You can stay here and, I don’t know, buy more dresses like that one,” he gestures vaguely in her direction.

Aela stands very still for a moment, looking over Kren’s shoulder at the drifting crowds. The she straightens up and she smiles genuinely. Kren wonder’s what she’s thinking.

“I wouldn’t want Bess to have all the fun, now would I?”

“Good.”

Kren starts walking again. Aela loops her arm through his casually.

“Okay, so tell me, what did I just agree to do?”

“Steal 5,000 Kamaalian orchids from a ‘Yonder ship-for-hire, while posing as Jess’s wife.”

“But you told me I would be able to choose who I would work with!”

“Tough.”

“I changed my mind, can I still stay on vacation?”

“Nope. That twinge of guilt is long gone.”

“You owe me one, Kren,” she reminds him.

“So I’ve said.”

Kren looks over at her and is glad to see she’s still smiling slightly. He knows enough to know that she’s nowhere near back to normal, but it’s a step in the right direction. He hopes, though, that she never realized that she will never be normal while she’s working for him.

III. Present – The Nokwalish, - 10:05 Interstellar Standard Time

Onoh nodded in greeting to Tom across the command deck. “Thomas, just the person I needed to see. We’ve got passengers coming aboard on their way to stellar outpost one dash epsilon- an astrophysicist and a newly-wed couple. I want you to go greet them and show them to their quarters.”

“Newly-weds? Who ever heard of One dash Epsilon as a honeymoon spot?” Tom asked curiously.

“Hey, not my business, not my trouble,” said Onoh briskly. She held up an h-comp in one elegant white hand. “Here are their boarding applications and their room assignments. I expect you to keep them away from my engines and away from the cargo.”

“So basically, I’m on baby sitting duty. Have I committed some particular offense?”

“Nothing more than being good at public relations and being generally amiable,” replied Onoh, “Though I suppose on Dorvas V that would be considered offensive.”

Tom rolled his eye. “I don’t think there’s anything they don’t find offensive on Dorvas V.” he took the h-comp and skimmed it briefly. “When are they coming aboard?”

“The astrophysicist will be here in an (hour), the Newly-weds have just requested permission to board.”

“Right. I’ll go meet them then.” He glanced at the h-comp, “Hendry and Sajna Najelder?”

“Hender and Sanya Nasoolly,” corrected Onoh, “They’re Vorash names.

“Vorash?”

Onoh nodded, “Never had Vorash on my ship before. I don’t have anything against them though, as long as they don’t get us involved in their causes.”

Tom nodded. “I’m sure they’ll have other things on their mind besides activism, but all the same I’ll make sure they understand.”

“Good.”

Tom headed off to the docking port. Hender and Sanya, he thought, those are nice names.


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83 Reviews


Points: 10511
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Wed Sep 02, 2020 1:09 am
WaterSpout wrote a review...



Hello Sabina, I'm here to review your story!
There was a lot going on here, a little too much. I got confused since the beginning. Who's Aela and who is she talking to? What are they doing, and why is he giving her a job?
There are so many questions, and yes, some do get answered later on, but that would mean the reader would have to invest there time just to try and understand the whole plot. You'd be at risk of losing potential readers at the start. Well, actually, I really liked the first sentence.

Dawn crowned the sky and seeped over the rooftops.

I really like how you play with the words and make them fit in this context.
And now, I will get to the grammar. If that's not what you were looking for, I'm sorry.

In the near distance to the east(,) she could see the gilt outline of the People’s Temple perched like a spiny crown on top of Daliverre’s Hill->,<- and in the far distance to the southeast(,) she could see the umber desert that stretched to the horizon line and beyond.

So first off, this sentence seems to be a little too long. Maybe you could cut it at the comma parts I'm about to mention. Well, actually, no. Right after 'Daliverre's Hill' you could change that comma to a period. And then just add commas where I added them. Well, that is if you're still around.

After the height of the mid-day heat(,) Aela planned to hire transport out of the interplanetary port city, Traveel, to the desert city, Oasis.

This time, the sentence is much more short and sweet. The only problem here is that it needs a comma.

She lay back on the double bed with the plain green bedspread and took deep breaths of dry, climate controlled air.

This may seem nitpicky, but I have to say it. That needs a hyphen. I know, I know, and I'm sorry.

“No. No jobs. I’m taking a break. After that last one(,) I deserve it.”

This piece of dialogue needs a comma.

Aela sighed. “Fine, fine, I’ll do it- But after this(,) I’m taking a real vacation, somewhere no one will be able to reach me and bribe me back into service. For now(,) though, let me go back to sleep.”

I quoted a whole paragraph because the two comma errors were close to each other.

Kren sighs a puff of white condensation and looks away. “Lets get to the hotel,” he says sounding oddly tired.

That needs an apostrophe.

She’s wearing a dress of layers black gauze- Shavellian silk, she’d bought it in the market places just hour earlier, and her hair is brushed smooth.

That needs 'an'

“Alright then, lets get out of here.” She grabs her duffle bag and they leave.

That needs an apostrophe

He catches her elbow and pulls her aside into an entrance way of shop that’s closed for the night.

'A' is needed before shop.

The she straightens up and she smiles genuinely.

I think you meant 'Then.'

“Newly-weds? Who ever heard of One dash Epsilon as a honeymoon spot?” Tom asked curiously.

'Whoever' is a word.

“So basically, I’m on baby sitting duty. Have I committed some particular offense?”

'Babysitting' is a word.

That's all I have for today, I hope this was helpful if you're still here but I doubt it.
Happy writing nevertheless.
With caution,

WaterSpout




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Fri Jan 27, 2006 10:41 pm
smaur wrote a review...



Wow. I'm kind of stunned this hasn't garnered any comments yet — it's so gorgeously written. There are lots of punctuation errors — unclosed quotation marks, commas, em dashes written as hyphens, that sort of thing — as well as the occasional jump between tenses (past instead of present) but they don't actually hinder the reading of the story itself. Which brings me to ramble on about the quality of this: amazing stuff. The way the second plot (the one in the past) is carefully contained, so that the reader only gets glimpses of it in between the main plot ... wow, I hope you post more. The dialogue flows well, the description is sparse but well-applied; everything is done so well. I'm sorry this isn't helpful on the constructive criticism front (I'm in one of those freakishly unhelpful moods) but if you'd like a thoroughly critical crit, drop a line and I'll do it.





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