Adventures in Eridell(temporary title)

by Sabershark21

Published July 6, 2016

16+

In Adventures in Eridell (temporarily ended)

Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

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            This is a prologue for a story I may or may not finish. WARNING: some explicit language is used, read at your own discretion.

            ************************************************************************************

Andrus Raamus had just woken up and was preparing his armor when his father, Viscount Raamus, walked in. “Andrus, are you ready? The scouts are waiting for you outside.”

“Yes father, I'm as ready as I'll ever be.”

“Good, remember this is a scout and report mission only. So don't kill anyone, I don't want to start a war.”

“I've got it,” Andrus replied, anger starting to form in his voice. Before he could get any angrier, Andrus grabbed his sword and walked out of the room. His sword was simple, it was a golden, circular pommel with a blue circle in the middle. The grip was made of brown leather which was wrapped tightly around. The cross guard was a simple straight piece of metal and the blade was plain with a fuller down the middle. Andrus walked down the steps and met up with the scouts. “You know the plan m’lord?” Asked one of the scouts.

“Yeah, it's a scout and report mission only,” Replied Andrus. “But if things get hairy, don't hesitate to fight your way out.”

“Yes sir!” All the scouts yelled in unison. They all got on their horses and rode for about two hours until they reached the edge of the Blue Mountain.The Blue Mountain was called that because it had blue spots on it that glowed at night. It was surrounded by a river on the left and more mountains on the right, making it a perfect camp for an army. 

Wallas Barlom, Earl of Brightmarsh had the same idea. The mission was going smoothly, “I counted twenty thousand men and a thousand horses,” said one of the scouts, “if they attack Freyden, we could hold them out for a day, two at most” the scout continued.

“Then we have to make sure they don't march,” Replied Andrus. “We’ll attack at nightfall, take out the food tents and release the horses.”

“Yes sir,” The scouts said at the same time. They waited until the sun had hit the horizon and the blue on the Blue Mountain was glowing from the moonlight.

“Alright, we split up into groups of two, you two with me,” Andrus ordered pointing to the scouts in the back, “you other two will release the horses and hightail your way back.” The scouts nodded and embarked on their journeys. Andrus and his team easily slipped past the guards on patrol and found the food tents. “All right let's light the food on fire and get back to the mountain.” Everything was going smoothly when they started to hear yelling, it was the other scout team. 

“Go help the other team, I'll meet up when I'm done,” Andrus told his scout team. Andrus was about to go and help when he felt something cold touch the back of his neck. 

“Well what do we have here?” Asked someone behind him, “trying to burn town my food tents are you?” Andrus tried to turn around to see who it was. The man pushed a little harder with the tip of his blade discouraging any type of movement. “You can move when I tell you to.” Andrus could tell the man had a slight accent and his anunciacion of words had a slight feel of royalty. “So what should I do with you, Lord Andrus Raamus the fifth is it?” The man knew who he was, not good, “named after your father correct? Viscount Andrus Raamus the fourth. I always hated that man.” Andrus didn't say anything and was starting to become angry. “Well boy when I ask a question I expect an answer.”

“Yes” Andrus whispered through gritted teeth

“What?”

“Yes”

“What!?”

“YES!” Andrus got so angry that he screamed so loud that the other side of the camp probably heard him. The scream momentarily caught his captor off guard, he was about to get away when more guards seemingly came out of nowhere. Andrus was surrounded and he knew the only way out was through a fight. Andrus drew his sword, ready to take on the whole army if he had to when four of the soldiers surrounding him dropped to the floor. 

It was his scouts, they came to help. Andrus turned to see who his captor was, and when he saw him it all made sense. The anunciacion, the vocabulary, the accent, it was Earl Wallas Barlom. “Bring me their heads!” screamed the Earl. With that the fight commenced, Andrus was a natural with a sword so dispatching a few soldiers was nothing to him. He dodged thrusts and countered jabs, dispatching soldiers left and right.

His scouts, however, did not have as easy of a time, one of them had already been stabbed in the chest and was bleeding out. The other three were having a tough time on their own. “Go!” screamed one of the scouts.“We’ll hold them off.” Andrus noded and was about to make his escape when Earl Barlom charged at him with a sword. He dodged the sword but was hit with a shoulder tackle that knocked him over.

Andrus rolled to one side to avoid being stabbed and then to the other side to barely miss a stab again. Andrus was about to strike back when he noticed he didn't have his sword. While dodging another strike he saw his sword in the dirt a few feet away, it must've been knocked out of his hands when he fell. Andrus quickly grab some dirt and threw it at the Earl.

He got up and ran to his sword, just in time to block an attack from the Earl. Andrus, caught up in the moment, decided to take a counter attack and hit the earl in the shoulder with his sword. The Earl screamed in pain and blindly jabbed at Andrus, who easily blocked it. The Earl, seemingly angry now, attacked Andrus again,slicing at the side of his face. “AH!” Andrus screamed as blood dripped down his face. Andrus, being the hothead he is, started to fill with rage and threw three attacks at the Earl, each one striking a different part of his body. The Earl fell to his knees and dropped his sword. “Bring me their heads,” Andrus mocked

“fuck you,” the Earl replied.

“I will,” and with that Andrus did one clean sweeping motion across the neck of the Earl, cutting his head clean off. Andrus looked back to see one of his scouts running towards him. “The others are dead, we need to go.” Andrus and the scout ran to where they were keeping their horses, got on and rode back to Freyden without saying a word. About an hour into their ride Andrus had to ask, “why did the other scouts scream?”

The scout simply answered, “they got caught.” After that the rest of the way swept by in complete silence, with only the horses hooves making a sound. Andrus was greeted by his father, whose smile quickly turned to anger. “I said scout and report only!” The Viscount screamed when they got inside.

“I know”

“If you knew we wouldn't be having this conversation, who's dead?”

“Three scouts and…”

The Viscount sighed, “and?”

“Earl Wallas Barlom”

“Shit”

“Shit”

“After we bury your brothers body, ride to every town, city, and castle you can, if we are going to face the aftermath of this, we need all the soldiers we can get.” Andrus nodded and walked out. He was at the door when he turned back and said, "if it helps they barley have any food and no horses." 

"It helps," Viscount Raamus replied, still angry. They didn't speak of this for the rest of the day as they both got ready for the burying ceremony.

                  ************************************************************************************                Again, not sure if I'm going to finish this story, I hope you enjoyed reading it! Also, if you have any suggestions for titles I'd love to hear them. The story takes place in a land called Eridell if that helps at all

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
intrastellars
Review
intrastellars wrote a review Review · Jul 31, 2016

Hi Sabershark21, here for a review! Personally, I'm a huge fantasy fan, and this story seems right up my alley. I found your MC, Andrus, to have a lot of potential for character growth (if you do decide to continue this story) since he seems like a cold-hearted character.

First thing I'd like to address is your fight scene. I thought it was already really good, especially considering the fact that the actions flowed nicely. I'd like to talk about this paragraph for a bit:

He got up and ran to his sword, just in time to block an attack from the Earl. Andrus, caught up in the moment, decided to take a counter attack and hit the earl in the shoulder with his sword. The Earl screamed in pain and blindly jabbed at Andrus, who easily blocked it. The Earl, seemingly angry now, attacked Andrus again, slicing at the side of his face.

It was good, but I also think there's room for improvement. In fight scenes it's important to make your characters' actions seem urgent and frenzied, since they are, well, fighting for their lives. I would suggest experimenting with sentence length and complexities. For example, a possible version of your paragraph above could be:

He got up and ran to his sword, just in time to block an attack from the Earl. Andrus, caught up in the moment, decided to counter attack. He hit the earl in the shoulder with his sword. The Earl screamed in pain. The Earl, finding that his enraged jabs were not hitting their mark, began slicing at the side of Andrus' face.

You can tell that there is a sense of urgency in this now that certain sentences are shortened and a couple phrases restructured.

Overall, this prologue marks the start of a fantasy series that has a lot of potential. If you do decide to finish this series, then do update me in the next installments! Great writing, and I can't wait to see what you do next :)

User avatar
PersonaAlias
Review
PersonaAlias wrote a review Review · Jul 6, 2016

You've got a cool story going on here, jumping right into some action that catches the reader's attention. I hope my advice can help you make it even better :)

First things first, you have a lot of commas in places I think periods would fit better.
For example, here:
~~While dodging another strike he saw his sword in the dirt a few feet away, it must've been knocked out of his hands when he fell. ~~
This is just one instance where I think two separate sentences would work out better. Another example is here:
~~“If you knew we wouldn't be having this conversation, who's dead?”~~ This could be two sentences.

I noticed the use of the word "angry/anger" a lot. I'd suggest changing it up a little with words like fury, enmity, rage (I'm pretty sure you used this one though), and so forth.

In this sentence ~~Andrus rolled to one side to avoid being stabbed and then to the other side to barely miss a stab again.~~~ "barley" (a plant) should be "barely" .

Here ~~The Earl screamed in pain and blinding jabbed at Andrus, who easily blocked it.~~ "blinding" should be "blindly".

I hope this helpful. I'm looking forward to reading more of your story!

Thanks for the advice! Real appreciate your advice!

That sounds redundant

User avatar
Caiti97
Review
Caiti97 wrote a review Review · Jul 6, 2016

Hi!

I enjoyed reading your story. The plot was engaging and promising! I would definitely read more.

But in order to make your story more powerful, the language could be cleaner and simpler so it could hit harder. For example, the phrase "anger starting to form in his voice" at the very beginning could be changed to "anger formed in his voice." A simple switch like this eliminates distractions. For the same reason, the sentence "The grip was made of brown leather which was wrapped tightly around" would be stronger if it didn't end in a preposition. Tell us what the leather wrapped around, even if the answer seems obvious.

Your story promises an action packed plot line, but most of your verbs - especially in the beginning - are "to be" verbs. Instead of resorting to the word "was" to describe in sentences like "the blade was plain with a fuller down the middle," you could try "the plain blade filled out through the middle." Packing your language with action will make the story even more exciting! Sentences with "was" are important, but they're more powerful when used sparingly.

You could also vary your sentence structure and patterns for the same effect. The repetition of "replied" makes the read a little monotonous, and most of your sentences are structured similarly. You could throw in some fragments or choppy sentences to jar the reader a little and pull them into the action. You could even omit the dialogue tags completely and say "'Alright, we split up into groups of two, you two with me,' Andrus pointed to the scouts in the back[...]" Instead of "'Alright, we split up into groups of two, you two with me,' Andrus ordered pointing to the scouts in the back[...]"

In general, the story has promise, but I think it would flow better and capture the reader's attention more quickly if you cleaned up some of the language to make it simpler and more powerful.

-Caiti

Thanks for the help, I'll definitely make some changes



Surround yourself with people who are serious about being writers, and who will tell you, ‘Hey—you can do better than this.’ Who will be critical of your work, but also supportive. And who will not be competitive in a negative way.
— Isabel Quintero