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Wasteland

by SRMeredith


I have not spoken with you in a while. I feel as though you and I talking would cross some unnamed boundary, an uncross-able desert of unforgotten past and unforgettable emotions. It’s a wilderness full of years and years of memoires and a lifetime of longing. Filled with a thousand pounds of tears and running eye makeup. If I stepped foot in that desert, what would become of me? I cannot lie, I am afraid. I’m afraid to of what I will see there. I do not want to be reminded. I do not want to see everything I have tried to disregard. If I happen to stumble upon this vast wasteland cast away by me, would I cross it? It’s a valid question. But I must confess I may try. Now imagining this place, here is how I would see it…

I close my eyes and take a step forward. The ground beneath me is hot and sandy. The grains make their way in-between my toes and wiggle their way underneath my nails. My toes squirm exciting the sand. I look up to see an immense land of dunes and badlands for miles and miles. The heat is so intense that it dances and glistens off of the mountains of dirt and rubble. It creates the illusion that I’m under water. I blind trying to clear the blurry image from my vision, but it stays right where it is, taunting my senses. I glance around, trying to find something other than earth and dust. At first I do not see anything, then, I spot it. A house. A big white house only about three football fields away! I grin and run to it, kicking up sand behind me. When I get about twenty yards away I begin to recognize the house. It’s yours. The house I had my first kiss in. I slow down, but approach the house and look through the front window. I see your couch, the one we sat on. I see your television, the one we watched that movie on. It’s the movie I cannot watch anymore, because it reminds me of you. Then I see us, kissing on your couch. You tell me I smell wonderful. I smile from my location outside. I still have that perfume. Sometimes I pull it out of my closet because it’s my favorite. I wear it sometimes, but the smell is only another memory of you. I turn away from the house when I feel someone tap my shoulder. It’s my boyfriend. He’s smiling down at me, his amazing braced smile. He tilts his head to the right, leans in and kisses me. I feel the same rush of pure happiness I usually feel with him. Not at all what I felt with you. I smile at him, simply intoxicated.


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54 Reviews


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Sat Feb 23, 2013 11:05 am
silentpatronus wrote a review...



Howdy!

I'm going to review this. :)

I have not spoken with you in a while.

This doesn't make sense. To make it make sense you need to have 'to' instead of 'with'.

uncross-able

Uncrossable is one word.

Filled with a thousand pounds of tears and running eye makeup.

This doesn't make sense as it isn't a proper sentence. You could probably add a comma to the previous sentence and join it up with that?

This second paragraph is huge I think it can be broken down into two maybe three paragraphs. It will make it easier to read and visibly enticing.

Other than the few errors I've mentioned above I must say that the language you used is extremely gripping and I love your style of writing. I think that this is a very clever piece of writing!




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Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:16 am
Veeren wrote a review...



Hey there, Meredith! :D
I'm here to annoy you review your piece!

Spoiler! :
an uncross-able desert


Uncrossable is one word :P

Spoiler! :
years of memoires


At first I though you were trying to say memoirs, but then I realized you misspelled memories.

Spoiler! :
I am afraid. I%u2019m afraid


One time you use a contraction and the other time you don't? Typically, when you're not writing dialogue, you would try to stay away from them, so write out both words.

Spoiler! :
in-between


Very rarely is it written like this, usually it's in between.

Spoiler! :
squirm exciting the


You mean exiting?

The rest is okay, for the most part :P
The story was alright, though a bit confusing for me, but hey, I never was really much of a romance kinda guy.
Great work, keep on writing :D




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Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:01 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hmmm. Interesting.
First off, I think you can lose the bulk of the first paragraph. Why spend time trying to quickly describe the desert when you're going to actually go into it and describe it from up close in just a couple of lines? I think it might be interesting to go straight from

I have not spoken with you in a while.


to

I close my eyes and take a step forward.


I think your readers can trust you enough from the beginning that you can bring us right into it.

That said, you'll want to break up the big paragraph afterward. Find where the movement stops or changes and give it a new paragraph. For example, I'd say at "I glance around", you change from paying attention to the mirages to seeing a house, so that might be a good place to break. Check the rest yourself to see where you can make this easier to read. c:

Now, as for the material, I think the desert is pretty appropriate for a meeting between you and your ex. The water that was there has all dried up. But what's odd is that with so much sand, it still feels rich and full of movement. I think a flat, cracked land would serve you better.

Then, if you're going to go the route of actually seeing yourself and him kissing, I'm going to need some emotions. And I know this is intended for your ex as you've written it now, so you don't want to admit anything like missing him or tenderness, but he's not actually going to see this, so I, as the reader, would like to hear you honestly evaluate where you are now in terms of letting him go or remembering him. It seems from the perfume that you sometimes are okay with the memory of him, sometimes willingly put it on, so I'd like to hear more from you.

The part with your new boyfriend'll need some elaboration, too. You say, "pure happiness", and you say that's not at all what you felt with your ex. Well, then what did you feel with your ex and how is this different? What are you intoxicated with? I think realistically at that point I'd be intoxicated with the crossing of memories. Whenever I get real deep into thinking of love I've lost over my lifetime, it seems weird to come back into thoughts about the boyfriend I have. The lives just don't intersect, so it's hard to bring them so close.

Think deeper about this. Once you cut the unnecessary first paragraph, you'll have some more room to expand the second one.

PM me if you have any questions about this review, please.

Good luck, and keep writing!




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Wed Feb 06, 2013 12:52 am
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there SRMeredith, and welcome to YWS.

Before I get into the review itself, I'd just like to mention something about reviewing. Basically, the more you review other members works, the more reviews you'll get in return. Here are a couple of posts to help you get started on reviewing:

The YWS Critique Sandwich by Nate

How to Write a Good Critique by Emerson

With that said, the first thing I noticed was how big the paragraphs were. Large paragraphs are quite intimidating to readers, especially when your readers are looking at them on a screen, so I would strongly recommend breaking up your paragraphs a bit more. Large paragraphs can also make it difficult for some readers to keep track of their place, or find it again when they lose it, and so breaking your writing up into smaller paragraphs helps to make it more manageable and easier to read for your readers.

I%u2019m afraid to of what I will see there.

Should be "too".

Now imagining this place, here is how I would see it%u2026

This sentence doesn't make much sense, since this entire first paragraph reads like you're beginning to imagine it. It's also a quite awkward transition between the metaphor and act of imagining.

I'd recommend cutting the "Now imagining this place" entirely and modifying the second half to something more along the lines of "I can see myself trying right now..."

I blind trying to clear the blurry image from my vision, but it stays right where it is, taunting my senses.

"I blind"? Did you mean instead "I blink"?

Not at all what I felt with you. I smile at him, simply intoxicated.

These last two sentences feel quite abrupt, especially the "Not at all" one. Combined, they really weaken the ending.

I would recommend cutting off the last sentence entirely, as it doesn't really introduce anything new. Dropping it would also make the second-last sentence much stronger, and sting more.

I would also recommend revising the second-last sentence to be more independent. "That happiness I never felt with you." or something similar would make that sentence much stronger and pointed. Placing the sentence on its own paragraph would also emphasize it more, making it even more powerful.

Overall, you have a lot of missing commas, which are a bit distracting. The OWL at Purdue is my favorite grammar resource, and they have a nice article on comma usage here. I recommend fixing up the comma issues, as the more grammatically correct your writing is, the more seriously it will be taken, and I have a feeling you want this to be taken very seriously.




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Wed Feb 06, 2013 12:49 am
ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey Mer!

Shady here with your review. :)

I see you're new here, so welcome. If you need any help, anything at all, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM or wall me.

My toes squirm exciting the sand.
~ This is a strange vocabulary choice.

I blind trying to clear
~ Did you mean 'blink'?
~~~

Wow, this is a really nice piece. Your grammar and punctuation are wonderful. Thank you. It's refreshing to review a piece that's not laden with grammatical errors. As for your plot, it is very good. I like the simplicity you use, to carry such strong emotions through out. Very nice.

If you need anymore help feel free to PM or wall me.

Keep Writing!

~Shady 8)





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