once i was a leaf that
fluttered over your chest,
piercing through your
plangent soul,
i reached the hidden
valley of love,
you was there as
a whitesheep
to chill my words
with your lovewool
i gave the fireball of mine,
to save you from predators
but one damp morning,
you deserted my
melancholic eyes,
saying me as a
tattered leaf
now rowing canoe through
the dark woods,
i could see your search for
a new foliage like me
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Hi SNEHANAIR!
Welcome to YWS! I'm GeeLyria and I'm here to review. I will start off by saying that I believe you're a lovely poet. Your imagery is fantastic, and I was unable to get distracted while reading your piece (which is rare lol). Despite the fact that I'm not a big fan of zero capitalization and punctuation in poetry, I don't feel the need to say anything about it here. However, I will share one thought, and it's something that may sound very silly. xD I have noticed that a lot of poets start their pieces with almost the same words, "once i was"... I believe this line could impact the reader much. The word "once" feels like an introduction, and wouldn't it be more catchy to slap the reader in the face with some action and hook them up with something more... sharp? I hope you get what I mean. xD Either way, you have done a lovely job! Keep writing~
Hey there! *trumpet sounding* I've come to review!
Since this is a poem, I will get right into things...
Nitpick: grammar, this needs to be "you were there as"
Melancholic sounds like a disease or something wrong with the digestive system. It does not lend to the beauty of the poem nor help describe the eyes. Perhaps "melancholy" would be a bit better or another word of your choice...
Do you mean "staying" instead of "saying"? Just a nitpick that caught my attention...
Who is doing the rowing here? It is a bit too vague, but it is a poem and if you wish to be secretive then that is your decision...
I love the ending! Beautiful! But I must leave you with a few words before I go:
If I were you I would combine some of the lines so that it doesn't read so jerkily. It interupts the flow of the sayings even though it makes the poem look a bit longer. Make is flow just as beautifully as the words themselves do and it will make an even more wonderful piece to read.
Good job- keep it up! and Happy Writing!
Hello! Here to review, of course, so let's get to it.
The first thing I have to comment on is that some of your imagery just plain does not make sense. This can be powerful in a poem, but it has to be kept to a reasonable level so that the reader doesn't just sit there going "what?" -- and I was definitely asking myself far too many obvious questions while I was reading this. While some of the images are strong and striking, and they feel like they would stick with a reader for a while, there are lines such as this that throw the mood out the window:
Actually, this entire poem looks like it was randomly generated, because none of the lines really fit together except for the smattering of words referencing earlier lines, like "whitesheep" and "lovewool". It doesn't make sense at all, and that is a huge problem. The words can look cool, but the poem as a whole has to mean something, too, and otherwise it's not really poetry because the reader doesn't get anything out of it.
Not to mention, a lot of your grammar is way off the mark here. There are points where you just plain skip verbs or nouns, and it's obvious that a word was supposed to be there, and that leaves the reader questioning why they even bothered reading this piece if the author didn't even check for incomplete phrases. I can't even point out a specific set of lines because this carries throughout the entire piece; I would strongly urge you to find a beta reader or editor or proofreader, just to make sure that you have some kind of complete phrase in your poem.
It's not entirely horrible -- I think it's salvageable -- but it definitely needs a lot of work to bring it up to a publishable quality. Keep writing!
I can't tell if this leaf is a metaphorical representation of a person. I thought, "Poem About Leaf," at first, but now I'm thinking, "Love Poem?"
A leaf will, sure, flutter onto a some person's chest from a previous position on some tree's branch, but that same delicate leaf will not - cannot - pierce, and then it pierces into love? A valley of it? "This can't be about a leaf," I'm thinking.
If it is about a person, if it is a love poem, I read this as:
A relationship began very delicately. You understood a person's sad soul, how no one else could. This person gave you serenity, too, and comfort. You protected this person from others who were very damaging, but this person left you one morning. They didn't just leave you, but they deserted you when, suddenly, your own soul became "plangent," and this person who left went on to find another who was like you—but not you.
That last part always stings, huh?
I have a real issue with imagery used, because it's very uneven. Leafs are attached to trees and I would bet money that when thinking of trees many people will think of forests, but you will introduce a "valley" later on (a "valley of love"), and valleys are wide, open and rolling areas of land. Valleys aren't characterized by trees.
There is this "whitesheep," but I don't know why any sheep is here. Sheep graze in pastures, which aren't valleys and aren't forests. I understand that white is a cooling color and that the wool of sheep may be plush, comforting, but this image only clashes more with already clashing backdrops.
"Fireball" and "predators" are very violent images when you begin so pastorally as with the leaf and trees and valleys and sheep. The lines after the one with "predators" are all fine. I can imagine a leaf acting as a canoe and drifting downstream. That's fine.
But, I can't reconcile a leaf "piercing" into anything.
What I would suggest is to write down, plainly, what you want to say. "We came together. Our relationship was great. You left me." Like that. Whatever you want to say. Put this down first, and then figure out the metaphor you want to use - leaf or otherwise - and then write this again. Stay consistent to the metaphor you choose.
How it is, the poem's here and there and all over the place! Different scenes and conflicting textures, there's fire and water and flammable leaves and predators who aren't mentioned specifically.
You should just look at the poem again and write down what you mean to say. Make sure you're conveying what you mean to say, first, before you add all the poetic flourishes.