It's a cold rainy night. I'm alone. I walk down the street looking for shelter. Nobody lets me in. They don't want a dirty, homeless teenage person staying at their house. I'm not that bad. But they can't see past my looks. My dirty face. Dark eyes, black uncut hair. My clothes are ripped. No one can see past that. I on walking. Just to stay warm. I am so tired. The few people on the street just ignore me. A man. A woman. A couple. A girl about the same age as me. She stopped and looked at me.
"What are you doing up so early? I mean its almost 12!" She asked
"I don't have a home. And I could ask the same of you." I said. My voice is rough. I haven't really talked much since a very long time.
"I have a late dance class. A really late one. So what's your name? I'm Alice." Alice holds out her hand. I shake it.
"I don't remember." I say
"What do you mean?"
"I don't remember. I've been alone for as long as I can remember. But I don't remember my name."
"We'll then...I'm going to call you Sammy! I have to go now though. My parents might get worried if I'm too late, you know. In case I get lost or something. Like that's gonna happen"
I smile. I like Alice she seems like a nice person. She doesn't care what I look like. "Could I spend the night? Shelter?"
"I'm sorry. My parents would never let you. They are strict. They don't like homeless people. I'm really sorry."
I tried to hide my disappointment. "That's ok. I understand. Well then good bye." I smiled. Kinda.
"Bye. I'm sorry." She turned and left. I watched her blond curls disappear into the night. I continued walking until I reached the next dumpster. I was too tired I couldn't continue. I gave up and fell asleep. I never woke up.
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Please please please continue this i want to know what happens next, and if he ever meets Alice again.
Hey there!
First off congrats on your first story! It's a good start and I know you're probably anxious to get some reviews.
They storyline was pretty good, and you painted the picture of the homeless teen looking at himself through other people's eyes very well, and you could tell that he was very exhausted of being on his own. There were a few grammatical mistakes, nothing major though.
"I on walking." This was probably a mistype, just letting you know that you forgot a couple of words here.
Also you begin in present tense but then when your character begins to talk to Alice and when she stops. I have that problem a lot too.
"I haven't talked much since a very long time." This isn't a complete sentence. You could finish it a couple of ways:
"I haven't talked much since...a very long time."
"I haven't talked much in a very long time."
"I haven't talked since (background story?)"
You forgot a period here:
"Like that's gonna happen"
Whenever you say "okay" in a story, be sure to write the whole word out.
Original: "That's ok."
Correct: "That's okay."
I think that's it. The ending was really sad, it reminded me of Groundhog Day when the homeless guy dies. The story was short and sweet and as a whole, very decent. Keep writing! I can't wait to see more.
-Jade
Yay my first story!