When You Return My Love

by SASSYLADY333
  • March 2, 2008
  • Poetry
  • Dramatic

When You Return My Love


I won’t say if you do, or I hope you will
I can feel it in heart that beats faster just for you


I know it as a turtle knows to swim to sea,
I can feel it in the air, I can feel the love


It floats around me, my eyes follow it
As it lands on you, and vibrates back to me



The look in your eyes is tantalizing,
You may think your being cruel but I know better


You sit there with your friends enjoying your day
Avoiding my curious gaze while your with them


I can tell your tense because you feel my eyes,
Like darts targeting your back straight into your heart


The piercing my feelings has left must make you go wild,
I’m not confused or fantasying, I know who I am


I know when I’m in love,
My heart doesn’t beat like this for just anyone


I’m just waiting for you,
To look at me and never look away


Walk toward me with no fear,
Looking at me finally so everyone can see

Comments & reviews · 3
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SASSYLADY333
Comment
SASSYLADY333 commented · Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:59 am

Thank you! :)

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hekategirl
Review
hekategirl wrote a review · Mon Mar 03, 2008 3:15 am

I don't know quite what to think of this poem. It was good...but...it didn't really do much for me.

I won’t say if you do, or I hope you will
I can feel it in my constantly beating heart


"Constantly beating heart" sounds a bit redundant since everyones heart is constantly beating. Try putting in things that are special to you, unique, it will make the poem more memorable.

I know it as a turtle knows to swim to sea,
I can feel it in the air, I can feel the love


"I can feel the love" is incredibly cliche. It sounds like something that should be in a bad sixties song.

I can tell your tense because you feel my eyes,
Like darts targeting your back straight into your heart


The piercing my feelings has left in your heart must make you go wild,
I’m not confused or fantasying, I know who I am


The repetition of the word "heart" is noticeable. Use other words to describe your point. Examples: "soul" "thoughts" "life"

I’m just waiting for you,
To look at me and never look away


I don't know why, but I really like this line. I can't really find a reason but it just struck me as very real.

Overall this poem has potential but I'm not feeling much from it right now. Use more imagery, put more of your emotions in. Right now your just telling us what you feel, show us. Keep writing!!



It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien