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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Prologue - Hanako-San

by Ryu


I never believed in urban legends. Just a waste of time, just made to scare the kids...right?

Think again.

How would they be so wide spread? How could one parent make a tale so horrifying people spend their lives investigating? The answer is, they can’t. Oh, believe me, I was once in the same mindset as you.

I was in high school when it happened. The boys would bully me all the time, from the skirt I would wear to the pin in my hair down to how small my hands were. “Inari, Anata wa sono yōna bakadesu!” I would hear, day in and day out. It means, Inari, you’re such a dork. I never did anything, why the hell would they bully me...? One day, my okaasan dropped me off like she did every day. “Have a great day at school, Inari, ai shiteru.” I smiled back fakely. “Always do. Love you too,” I kissed her cheek and walked up to the school.

Osaka University was a pretty campus, just like from those animes. Surrounded by cherry blossoms, a beautiful courtyard, and a tall building. But to me, the place was hell. I had no clue that day that I would look straight into the burning pits of hell.

A group of boys, the ones that loved to torment me the most, saw me walk up to the school. Chikushō.

“Well look who it is...” The leader of the gang came up to me and pinned me on the wall, tsundere style. He knows just how to piss me off.

”Hey A-Akio,” I mumbled, instantly uncomfortable. He smirked at me.

“What’s the matter, furīku?” I cleared my throat and did my best to show him I was not impressed.

”Akio, please, not today...” He looked back at his gang and they whispered things I couldn’t hear. Then he came back out.

”Alright, Inari. My friends and I have decided to leave you alone. Permanently.”

”Really?? That’s-“

”IF! If you summon The Girl In The Bathroom. Oh yeah, and bring proof. She’s too much of a pussy,” he snickered at his group and they chuckled. I could feel my face getting flushed with anger.

”Fine, you asshole! Fine, I’ll summon Hanako-San! And I’ll bring your stupid proof,” I spat, storming off, hearing their chuckles turn into a chant:

Inari, Anata wa sono yōna bakadesu...”

.....................................................................................................................

I was in way over my head. Hanako-San was not a force to be reckoned with. Apparently she was the spirit of a demented schoolgirl, my age, who was brutally beaten to death in the school bathroom on the third floor. She still haunts bathrooms to this day, but I didn’t believe in fairy legends. Last time I’ll make that mistake.

I took out my phone and went to camera then pressed record.

“Here’s your damned proof, Akio,” I glared at the camera, then I stomped up the staircase catching stares from other high school students, determined to catch this spirit for Akio to leave me the hell alone. I reached the third floor. This floor wasn’t utilized much at all, and it was creepy enough that people just skipped it usually. I stopped there and looked at the bathroom at the end of the dimly lit corridor.

I’ll finally be free from Akio's assault, I told myself, although I felt a cold sweat run down my neck. I shook my head and gingerly stepped towards the creepy door. I stopped at the door, and took a deep breath, imagining how good life would be without Akio's torment. I opened the door.

A putrid stench of old shit and mold hit me. “Eugh!” I gagged instantly. I put my fingers up to my nose and looked up. If the corridor earlier was creepy, then I swore to god it was haunted. I looked at my phone and saw my own horrified reflection staring back at me.

I could have sworn I felt something brush by me.

I spun around but all that met me was a moss-ridden wall.

Kutabare, Akio,” I spat at the phone and went to the third stall and slowly opened the door. Years of neglect whined at me as a loud creak filled the room. I peered in the stall. All that greeted me was a cracked toilet and another repulsive stench.

The next five minutes changed my life.

I nodded, content that there was nothing there. I then closed the stall, shaking lightly. If I didn’t have the sweet reads promised by Akio, I would have bolted. But I didn’t. I took a deep breath, and another, and another.

I then knocked on the stall.

One.

Two.

Three.

”H-hanako-san...koko ni imasu ka?” I asked. (Hanako-San...are you here?)

Not a sound.

”Hanako-S-San...koko ni imasu ka?” I asked once more, a little quieter.

The dim lights flickered.

I covered my mouth, hesitant to finish it.

“Hanako-San...koko ni imasu ka?“ I whimpered from under my hand.

The lights flickered once more.

Then they went out.

Chikushō, chikushō chikushō...” I swore repeatedly in the dark, unable to see anything.

The creak of the stall echoed around the room again.

I felt my heart race faster than the speed of light.

Silence.

A pair of glowing red eyes slowly rose from the toilet, illuminating the face that appeared.

I tried to scream.

A sick grin way too wide for a human spread across its twisted, demonic features.

Watashi.”

Its voice sounded like nails on chalkboard, and I found my voice.

I screamed as loud as I could.

Hanako-San shrieked at me and snatched my arm. Her hand felt like an oversized eagles claw, scratching my skin. She dragged me into the stall and grinned the sick, twisted grin again. What she said next still haunts me to this day.

”I hope...you’re ready...to meet Our Lord,” she hissed, her eyes twisting back into whites and an invisible force sketching a red pentagram into the mossy wall.

If the school security didn’t jump in right at that moment, I...I d-don’t want to think about it.

I snatched my phone as the security dragged me out of the bathroom.

”What the hell are you thinking?! This floor is off limits!!”

Everything was a blur. I couldn’t understand the rest of what they were saying. It seems like they couldn’t see what I did, goddamn it.

At least I had the clip. I shut my eyes and panted.

“I-I’m sorry s-sirs...I h-have to get to class n-now...”

I got up and ran to the courtyard to Akio and his friends.

He turned around and looked at me.

“The pussy is back...let’s see what you got,” he smirked.

I slammed the phone into his palm, and I wish I could say his face was worth it, but nobody deserves three nights in the hospital recovering.

Akio never bothered me again, and to be honest, I think I owe him one for that experience. After spending a few months recovering, I realized there’s not just Hanako-San, there’s so many other creatures haunting our world. Since no one else is brave enough to spread awareness of these, I’m starting this series. I will be traveling all around the world confronting the paranormal and documenting it here. So tell me...

Do you believe in ghosts?



(Author's note: Hey! Thanks so much for reading! This is my story that I made on a site called Quotev although I got disabled from there, so I’m decided to publish it here! Please share if you enjoyed!!)


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229 Reviews


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Sat Jun 03, 2023 9:29 pm
foxmaster wrote a review...



Hey this is foxmaster! So.... Do I believe in ghosts? Well, I do. Please read "the overnight trip....... True story, I promise!" Documents a paranormal encounter I have had some time ago. I would really appreciate if you read it. Also, fun fact! My home state, colorado, is notorious for being one of the most haunted states in the us. Read the bok weird Colorado for more..... Like how apparently, at Helen hunt falls, many people have visions of two people being butter o a large rock by a large creature with sunken eyes and Kong talk a. Why am I putting this? Well, this could inspire a chapter in your book. So, to the review...
[Quote]But to me, the place was hell. I had no idea I would be staring into the burning pits of hell.[\quote]
So here I feel like you overuse the word he'll and I feel like this sounds kind of strange because of that.
So on my tablet (where I am writing this), I am unable to copy. And paste, so I shall just say, from the end of this too the moment where she enter enter ba by room, this was chilling. I found this moment interesting and I could not tear myself away from this. The ghost and when she summoned the ghost, I found my heart beating quickly and wondering what was going to happen next. I am totally continuing this, and this story was generally well formed. Although the part where she says she was recovering was confusing, and I had to reread that part a few times to understand if, this generally made sense. You are a very suspenseful writer, but one question. Are her parents okay with that plan to to host hunting?
As and that's all!!
-cool person foxmaster




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Mon Mar 08, 2021 6:16 pm
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BEASTtheHUN wrote a review...



I loved the way you ended this story, it really makes you question. I like the description of the ghosts, and I think the flow is relatively good, but the thing I really liked was the way you started the story. It really sucked you in. I feel like Inari bought into the dare way too easily, other than that I really like this story so far.




Ryu says...


I%u2019m glad you love it!!

Inari jumped right in because there%u2019s been conflict between her and Akio for a while.



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Mon Mar 08, 2021 3:42 pm
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TheOffBroadwayAuthor wrote a review...



This is a really great story! I like that Inari only discovered her curiosity after the encounter with the ghost. Her desire for peace in her life became a desire to upset that peace. My critiques are that you have a few grammar errors, and there wasn't much characterization for Inari. My advice would be to give a few more moments in future chapters where she can show different sides to her personality. Still, you did a good job! Thank you for your story!




Ryu says...


I really just jumped into the story without developing Inari too much, later in the series though she gets more sophisticated!

Of course, I%u2019m glad you like it <3



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Sun Mar 07, 2021 2:56 pm
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stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Ahhhhh yes ! Finally !!

I've been waiting for years for a short with an urban legend :)
And it's a Japanese one, gah they're the best ones.

Just before I get into this story, I've never heard about this legend. I think it might be about the girl that was cut in half by a train ? (EDIT: nvm that's Teke teke) or then it's a sort of ritual calling thing like Bloody Mary ? Not too sure, but I've heard the name. Just not the legend lol. I'm glad Japanese urban legends are not dead yet, and people still make original stories about them, it's great :)

-

A small thing I noticed but that kinda bugged me, is when the dialogue is in Japanese. That's fine, it's actually great as it gives much more realism to the story, but then there's the fact you translate it afterwards. Unless it's a not well-known Japanese kanji, there's no real reason for the narrator to translate the Japanese parts. Since if the narrator was explaining this story to a non-japanese speaking person, then he'd just translate it directly. It's a small detail, but who knows. If you're looking for a way to polish this, you could work on this.

I really don't have anything to say except for that tiny little thing, but I'm a perfectionist lol. I found this short really fun, maybe even a bit too short to my liking, as this was really interesting. Maybe you could even write multiple chapters with different Japanese urban legends, that would be great.

Great story, 10/10 :)




Ryu says...


Thank you so so much!!

I love your kind words, it really helps me to feel more confident as a writer.

As for the Japanese part, I liked to keep it Japanese to shed light on the face that it takes place in Japanese culture, however I also want the readers to understand what it means, you know?

Thanks again! <33



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Fri Mar 05, 2021 7:42 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Ryu,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You put a lot of effort into this story. I think it's really good. It builds up a good, dark mood. The first person point of view is really effective. It's very easy to empathise with what the narrator has to endure.

What I like very much are the little excerpts where you stay in Japanese. It clarifies some things even more. It's also great that you included a translation.

You have a very fluid way of writing. The structure is well thought out and I like it.

If the school security didn’t jump in right at that moment, I...I d-don’t want to think about it.


I particularly like this sentence because it jumps out in contrast to the narrator's other trains of thought. You can clearly feel the doubts he has at that moment. It gives the character more realism.

You also keep the story more to minimal shock effects and focus more on the narrator, which I think is a very skillful way that you use. Most of the time the story stays on the creature that is spreading the horror rather than the characters who are confronted with it in other media.

I think the story is very well written. You can tell it's sophisticated and you put a lot of thought into it. I also like that you can boil the story down to its core, as a courage test, and it still comes across as original and exciting. I also like how the story goes to the end and opens up that you can expect sequels. You can tell that the narrator has changed a bit.


Mailice.




Ryu says...


AHH! Thanks so so much!! <333

Wow...you%u2019re so sweet, thanks so much! I feel so much more confident with this story now I have y%u2019all%u2019s support, so I think I%u2019ll continue it!

I can%u2019t thank you enough for those kind words <3



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Fri Mar 05, 2021 5:17 pm
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illy7896 wrote a review...



This was so well-thought-out and you have captured that atmosphere of an urban legend terrifically. Even the characters too. It has a gothic kind of atmosphere and the touches of dialogue from the character here and there adds a sense of realism. The style of it also reminds me of a normal school-day since you haven't dived fully into it but the story flowed very well.

But to me, the place was hell. I had no clue that day that I would look straight into the burning pits of hell.


With this line, to avoid over-using the word, could you replace one 'hell' with another word or a metaphor that gets your message across: 'but to me, the place was a living nightmare.' Or something like this to add more explanation and variation.

Additionally, could you extend the conflict between the narrator and the bullies? Maybe some extra imagery and a little more detail would emphasise the fear and the importance of this objective and how bad the boys were to you.

I shook my head and gingerly stepped towards the creepy door. I stopped at the door, and took a deep breath, imagining how good life would be without Akio's torment. I opened the door.


I really like your use of gingerly in this phrase, however, I reckon that you could replace one of the 'doors' by showing her actions more as she goes through: 'I stopped at it and took a deep breath, imagining how good life will be without Akio's torment.' Also, can you start your third or second sentence with something different than 'I': 'Stopping just before it, I took a deep breath and imagined how good life will be without Aiko's torment.' I think that this will improve your sentence and make the action more interesting for the reader.

I loved this line because it has so much imagery.

Years of neglect whined at me as a loud creak filled the room.


The word choice in this sentence just sounds so nice to speak and gives the audience a good understanding of the environment.

Awesome work, and what language is that throughout the piece? I really like the way you have added it in, and it sounds pretty neat.

I enjoyed reading this




Ryu says...


Thank you SO SO MUCH for your detailed review! That means so so much to me!! <33

1) Glad to hear that I did well with those aspects, it%u2019s not easy to turn a traditional Japanese legend into modern standards.
2) Yeah, I just noticed that :/ Thanks for bringing it to my attention!!
3) I was thinking to make the conflict more...conflicted although Akio comes in later %uD83D%uDE09
4) Good idea, I%u2019ll keep that in mind. Thanks! <3
5) Word choice is very important, of course!
6) It%u2019s Japanese, I should have put that it took place in Japan somewhere...

Again, thanks so much for your review, it helps me make the story better. <33



illy7896 says...


No problem, glad I could help.




The idea that a poem was a made thing stayed with me, and I decided then that I wanted to be an artist, not just a diarist. So I put myself through a kind of apprenticeship in writing poetry, and I understood even then that my practice as a poet was deeply related to my reading.
— Edward Hirsch