Published November 14, 2011
The first words i heard
is when I was born to live among them.
But unfortunately,I dont remember the words.
And when I was grew up,
they always telling the same things to me.
But sorry,sometimes i ruined it.
The last words i heard
is when God has taken them from me.
It still remain on my mind.
Whispering like a summer air..
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140,255 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
LoL.Yeah,sure i am not good in english!haha.But thanks,nice comments from you all:)
Hi there, Rysa.
Okay, I like the subject your bringing us. But there are some grammar errors in your piece and punctuation problems. I'm sure you can correct that. Remember, I's should always be uppercase when you use them as a pronoun.
Nit picks:
I think the red 'is' should be were. And there's another thing I suggest, change the last red word for 'them', because we already know you're talking about words. xD Repeating things such as that, could bore the reader, and you don't want that.
I think the first line should say: "And when I was grown up,"
The second should say: "they always told the same things to me"
And the last one is just fine, just correct the 'I'.
The second line: "was when God took them away from me."
Third line: "It still remain on my mind"
And the end is just lovely.
You've done a great job. But you seem to have trouble conjugating verbs. However, I could be wrong, cause English is not my first language. But I'm sure once you focus on correcting that, you'll be a very amazing poet.
Keep it up! ^_^
~Solly<3
Hello, Rysa! I'm Dreamwalker, but most people just call me Walker, and I'm here to review this today, if you don't mind!
Now, what I realized from the start was that this is rather.. short, not that short is a bad thing! Short can be rather effectual in some instances, especially when the writer is very passionate and, in most cases, extremely skilled. In fact, I rarely attempt short poetry myself simply because poetry of a shorter variety is even more orientated around the idea of every word having its place. There is no room for error or mistake when you're writing a short poem.
Because of that fact, I found this poem lacked a lot of what it could have excelled if longer. If elaborated on.
In this case, there are some mistakes that are pretty evident grammar wise, such as;
Now, in the case of this, you have quite the couple tense jumps. Such as grew. It should be grown when we look at proper sentence structure, and though that could have been done for effect in some instances, in this one we get the image of this being almost sloppy in comparison to something that could have some form of strength without.
A big part about poetry is writing from the heart. And if this is you passion and your soul laid out before us, would you not want it looking its sharpest? Its brightest? This is you. Those words you wish to express without ever saying should be expressed with utmost eloquence. I think with a bit of time and effort, you'll achieve that. You need to take pride in your work and the best way to take pride in something like poetry is to spend more time than you ever thought you would. This feels as if it was a great idea in your head pushed across in a thin application of maybe.. five minutes? Tops? Spend some time, my dear. Really capture.
Now, as it goes, I want you to expand this. I think the idea of words we do not know expressed in such a manner could be really strong and interesting if continued on, and I think it would be a wonderful thing if you did continue on. So please, in this case, keep writing. You could have something really interesting here.
My big critique? Keep the passion but match that passion with patience.
~Walker