Somewhat out of season, but here you are. Flash fiction, 250 words.
The Gift of Christmas
It was Christmas, that much I knew. Christmas in the streets and in the church, in the market place. Christmas spilling out of the eaves like so many lost socks. There were stalls and there were lights that twinkled above, like the eyes of angels. Watching me. Did they see as I filched the festive scarf, with its gold inlay, the fabric soft as ferns against my skin? They might as well be blind.
It was Christmas. But, what was Christmas anyway? Carols belted out under flickering lamp-posts, the voices shrill as any alley-cat. An extra roll of bread at the soup kitchens and a hearty 'God Bless', much good that had ever done. And a scarf. A scarf as green as the mistletoe and light in my hands, too light like it might blow away.
But sometimes. Sometimes Christmas was a penny, warmed by another as they pressed it heavy into your hand. Warm and dull. Dull as the grime in the street, but if you rubbed it, if you worked that penny hard with the rough of your hands... it would shine. Not the way the lights on your Christmas trees shine, or the fires in your hearths, but a flat, real shine that would answer: me. I am the true face of Christmas.
And I didn't feel bad about taking his scarf. Even as the stall owner turned to walk away, his half smile fixed like an old photograph. It only made me wonder: did he see?
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Rydiaaaaaaaaaaaaa
So I'm here for my second completely Secret Santa unrelated review, and as the last piece i read and reviewed was pretty dark, I figured I'd pick something more positive and Christmas related as it is Christmas in July, after all. I've no idea if this review will be any good because this is a short piece, and joshpaul did a pretty epic review back in the day. But hey ho, I shall try my best.
This is such a lovely piece, in my opinion, and it's so warm that it almost melts my frozen heart. N'awwwww. What impressed me the most with it is the way in which you used showing rather than telling with real skill. Not once do you use the word poor or any other kind of synonym for that, yet it's clear that your narrator is someone with little money who explores the meaning of Christmas and what not. I think that was really neat how you did that. I love the whole idea and message of this story too because it does make me reevaluate the importance of things, and I will be the first to admit that at Christmas, I'm one of those people who forget what the holiday is truly about. So bravo.
Okay, now I will admit that I'm hardly basking in critiques right now because like I've said, I think this piece is really great. In fact, I'm 90% sure that this review will be terrible, and I probably should have picked something else. What's done is done though, eh? I can only try my best and hope that this review becomes at least a little bit relevant.
One thing I do want to critique has actually already been covered by joshpaul, and that's the title of this piece. As with the opening lines of a story, I think the title is seriously important. I mean, that's the first insight the reader gets, isn't it? Like joshpaul said, the title is a bit too simple and literal for my liking. I know you're a creative gal and I'm sure you can come up with something a bit more original, and a bit less obvious. If you can conjure up a more intriguing title then the story itself will be more intriguing, methinks. Hint at what the story's about maybe, but don't give it away quite as easily. Let your readers do some of the work.
The only other critique I can think of is that while I do really like the message and the general concept of this flash fiction piece, I can't help feeling that it isn't the most original piece in the world. Especially around Christmas time, you find stories and poems stressing the true meaning of Christmas, and how it's a time for loving and sharing and caring e.t.c. This little story you have here is similar to that kind of thing, and so this piece overall does strike me as a tiny bit cliche. I don't think the way you present it is cliche because I think you present it with your own flare and originality, but the general idea of it is arguably a bit overused.
Now I will admit that this is a difficult critique really because what your story is about is, well, what it's about... so you can hardly completely change that. Plus like I said, I do like the sort of idea of it, I just don't think it's the most original idea in the world. That did catch my eye, and I can't think of any other critiques because I'm useless, so I figured I'd better mention it. Do with it what you wish!
I think that's it, to be honest. I'm pretty sure this has been a pointless review, but I'm still glad I picked this to read because I did really enjoy it. It was short (well yeah, it'd flash fiction, duh) but you managed to squeeze a lot of stuff in regarding character, and meanings, and messages, and plot, and a flurry of other things without making anything feel cramped. That's really admirable, if you ask me, so I really am glad I read this... even if the review that came as a result of it was just plain bad. It makes me wish you'd write some new prose and post it on YWS... so go do it, like, now. Pls.
But yus, I shall shut up now. Sorry again for this review being rather useless, and for reviewing two of your pieces from the last, like, century. I'm glad I did though because I very much enjoyed both of them, mwahahaha.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Okay back as promised. Let me begin by saying, this is my favourite form of fiction to write - probably because I am lazy - so it goes without saying, I really wish I was a Mod now...
Anyway if I can't enter I want you to win, so let's begin shall we?
This has to be stronger. In flash fiction the title is a little cheat for old dogs, you can really use it to your advantage and almost twist the rules because it doesn't go towards your word count and you can reveal a lot. A while ago I found myself naming my stories after a phrase or word in the final paragraph. The problem with this, of course, is it seldom made sense until the reader had finished the story, not to mention it could be a little annoying and obvious when the reader encountered that line or word towards the end. But what I learnt was how effective a title can be, how the entire story is influenced by the title, it casts a light over the story, a shade of green, yellow or red depending on what you want to say.
The problem with this title is it is too literal and although it has a second layer (because he receives an actual gift), it's still all very obvious and simple. Christmas is a religious holiday so you could play upon that? I don't know it's not a terrible title so if you can't think of something stronger leave it. I was thinking something like:
'Winter solace' Then it gives it setting (because in half the world its hot at Christmas, including New Zealand!), and it suggests a redeeming factor. I don't know I'm sure you will think of something.
This is why the title is so weak, it's only real strength is it let's us know its christmas, then that little fact emerges three times in the first couple of lines anyway. As for these lines, I wouldn't say the opener is amazing, but it does set up the character. I mean who wouldn't know it is Christmas? So we can make assumptions about what sort of person this is. The next couple of lines are decent too. It's a little slow and at a glance it seemed like you were too happy to waste a lot of words here painting a very simple scene, but it does all stack up to make the image clear.
Change twinkled. It might just be me, because it's not cliché by definition but thanks to 'twinkle twinkle little star' it's use is so hackneyed that it doesn't seem to add anything here. Well not for me anyway, I skimmed straight over it without a clear idea of the scene. This paragraph is strong otherwise.
'belt out' is a little cliché too. I'm being really nit picky here, but you can find something better.
Don't like this 'light in my hands, too light it might blow away.' Is it an intrinsic point you are trying to say about how disposable the scarf may be to the general public but to this man it is precious and his only fear that it might blow away. OR are you adding to the scene by trying to show that it is windy and the scarf is 'light?' I really don't know if this line adds enough to justify it being there. I think if you are trying to show us how the scene is windy snowy, talk about it desperately clutching it, wrapping it around his hands to keep the wind from taking it. I don't know this line really isn't strong at all, unless I have missed something?
lovely.
half smile fixed like an old photograph is my favourite line of the lot. It's really great Heather, so strong I would almost suggest you use it as your last, if you can shuffle the sentences that is. Because 'did he see?' is also pretty strong it kind of hints that the man knows the store owner had done a kind act and it's truly heart warming. But the line about the old photograph is the one for me I think. I don't know.
So the big things.
Character
Pretty strong, you use your words well to build up character. I think you could perhaps do just a little better to make his voice that much more unique. The homeless usually have some delusion, if you can afford the words you should touch upon this. Have him do or say something that hints at him having a mental issue, like him reaching into his pocket and wondering where the piece of bread he took from the soup kitchen had gone? I don't know something that sort of indicates he's forgetful or deluded, just to really make the reader sympathise. This will amplify the store owners act, because we as the reader will be all giddy about a random act of kindness to such a hapless soul.
Theme
A basic one handled very well. I'm sure you've heard it before One theme per short story. Not a truer word has been spoken about flash fiction. And at first I was confused as to where you were taking us but it was a satisfying conclusion. Like I said the only thing that can drive home the theme, amplify the token, is a bit deeper character. I know its hard with the word limit, but if you can place a bit more weight on the character, you will strike a much deeper chord with the reader at the denouement.
So that's it from me. I think the one point I would like to iterate is a quote. I'm not one for sound bites but I think it goes, 'You have ten words, one hundred words, one thousand words, one hundred thousand words, you have every word in the world. It's not a story until you have something to say.' I think for me the quote is about theme and I think the shorter the story the more important the theme. It also suggests you can have everything else that makes a story great but until it conveys a general idea it's not complete. The point I am getting at is to do with the theme. Everything hinges on this, and for the time being it is great, but I think it can still be a little stronger. Use the senses, the cold the hunger, to drive home the desperation of the man this will all enhance the act of giving like I said. It feels like I am ranting now. So I really hope this helps. I felt harsh but I wanted to give you everything I could, after all the great reviews you have given me!
JP
P.S - just googled to find who I was quoting and couldn't find it so its probably not exact!
xD I'm not so sure about 'let's leave out JP' but it is indeed for the mod contest. And thanks! I await your review with anticipation
This is amazing, must run however. Back later to review.
P.S- this is for the exclusive - let's leave out JP - mod contest is it?
Hey there Kitty!
So I'm guessing, and forgive me if I'm wrong, that the theme of your piece is supposed to be something along the lines of generosity. Not where the taking of the scarf is concerned so much, but that did make me think. Did the owner of the stall let the narrator take it because he knew he needed it? Because I'm reading this as the narrator being a homeless man. With the way he talks about soup kitchens and the grime on the streets.
I think you mean 'bread'
I'm thinking that you're trying to highlight to the reader that the narrator may not have much, but one kind stranger giving him a penny is enough to make his Christmas a little brighter. The stall keeper might as well have give him the penny, if he let him have the scarf. I want to know if he saw the narrator take it or not.
I'm really sorry. I seem to have lost the ability to say what I mean today. It just all keeps coming out wrong and rambley. I did like this though. The ending was nice. It made me wonder too.
xDudettex
Hey Kitty!
I have ma shredding hat on, so beware. Also, I just did a nice review, so you get a nit-picky one, I’m afraid.
This feels disjointed. You have an “and”, which leads me to expect either the end of a list or another and to carry it on, and instead you have a comma to end this list, which was kind of disorientating. Reword it to something like Christmas in the streets and in the church and in the market place or Christmas in the streets, the church, the market place. Or, you know, any other combination that you can think of. ^_^
Not liking the passive voice. That is passive voice, right? “Angel eyes” would sound better, methinks.
I think you don’t need that first comma.
I don’t think you need this comma either.
This should be either shrill as any alley-cat or shrill as alley-cats.
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O hai. XD
I did like this; it was well written and had a good pace, and even for such a short story there was a strong character voice. Apart from the above-mentioned wording issues, it was well-written and descriptive.
PM me if you have any questions!
-twit