“Stop it… Stop it! Somebody, please! Help me! Help!"
A small voice, heard only by the ones causing the shrill screams. Them, but I as well hear the cries, the desperate call for escape. A silent plea, unheard by the night. The tormenters laugh, before another shriek erupts. I feel pity for the poor girl, before I covered my ears, in hopes that an eternal sleep would take me. And maybe, just maybe, one day, I shall emerge from this hell.
3 years later.
It was cold, ever so dreadfully cold. But it was relief. Relief from the pain; relief from the torture. It meant I was free. It meant I would not have to struggle anymore, not nearly as much. Death would take me quicker this way than it ever would have in there. And no person shall find my body, because by the time the snow disappears, as will have I. But there was a part of me that wanted to live, to live and forget the horrors I had witnessed. To live and do something,
Squinting ahead, I saw two lights, nearing closer and closer. I tried to yell, tried to get them to stop, yet my voice wasn't working. I felt tears erupt to my already tear stained cheeks, so I shut my eyes, hoping they would see me. But the vehicle just sped past me. I was cold, oh so miserably cold. But I would keep trying.
Yes. I hadn’t escaped only to become a slave to what will forever haunt me. If I have lived this long, then it means I am meant to live, whether it be many years, or only a few mere moments, I do not know. But I cannot give up now, not with my fingertips finally grasping hold of freedom, brushing against it ever so lightly.
I pull myself further, using only my arms and elbows, as my legs are torn. Slices cut across them, burns littering my thighs, tiny pinpricks where the needles had stabbed through skin. But I had to bear, yes. I cannot go this way, I refuse. I squint, and, seeing another two headlights, I strain my arm up, up and over my head, and wave. I wince as I feel one of my scabs reopen, and feel blood trickling down past my elbow. I cry out, but keep my arm up, hoping, praying to anyone who may be listening.
Not much of a wave, I dreadfully admit, yet in this condition, it's the best I am able to do. And, by some heavenly miracle, it works. The car slows to a stop on the side of the road near me, and a kind looking old lady steps out, walking around the vehicle.
"Now, now." She muttered to herself, curiosity lacing her voice. "What in heaven's name was that? Could it be a stick, or an animal?" As she turned around her vehicle. I tried to make some sort of sound, but my throat refused to work with me, and my vision faded in and out of black. I choked back another sob, if I passed out, she may not see me. I heard a startled, "Oh my!" as the new world I had come to be in slowly faded away into nightmares, screams echoing throughout my head.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Hi there!
So my first thought is that the little blurb right at the start could be a prologue all by its lonesome. This entire bit was pretty short, which is definitely ideal if you're doing a prologue! But a three year time skip in the prologue is a little funky. Obviously I don't know where chapter 1 is going to start, but if it's shortly after the escape in the second part of the prologue, the escape and old woman could simply be moved to chapter one.
If it starts significantly later, then another idea is to have the short blurb be the nice, creepy, question-inducing prologue, and then chapter 1 starts wherever it starts, and then you could fill us in on the narrator's escape later.
My other thought is that you use "shall" an awful, awful lot. Not that no one ever uses it, but I feel like it was too frequent here even if this took place in an older time when "shall" was used more commonly. It could be a quirk of the narrator, which would be all right, but the old lady says it too.
So it just kind of drew a lot of attention to itself.
Sorry about the overuse of the word shall! I'll fix that. The reason I used it (cough* overused *cough) is because I'm trying to make the story seem very slightly poetic, as it will help the plot in the future. But you're right, I should use it a bit less. Thank you!
Hi, Ryan.
I agree with PrincessInk. It was a creepy prologue. I'm not sure exactly what your protagonist went through and where but I'm sort of glad you wrote it in such broad terms. Three years of getting tortured is a bit much for me.
I hope it's a good thing that the old lady found the poor creature. I hope things will get better. I really need to read the rest of it.
Only one thing bothered me. The old lady's muttering to herself in the end didn't sound natural at all.
Oh, sorry about that! The lady is meant to be kind of confused, as she only saw the protagonists hand slightly raised in the air, as an attempted wave. Thank you for your review!
Hello Ryan, and welcome to YWS.
. It makes me wonder why the POV character was tortured along with others, and where was that place. I'm kind of imagining the villain of the story is whoever causing all the torture. And how did the POV character escape too? I hope these answers will be revealed in due time! And hopefully the POV character will be okay!
Well, this is a creepy prologue here
I agree with the previous reviewer that there could have been a little more detail on the character's condition. I don't think there's no need to go in very far, but remember to consider the physical *and* mental state of someone who's being tortured for at least three years (?). That's a very long time. If someone's being tortured that long, obviously it is going to physically and mentally affect their status.
I also think there's a lack of setting here. I don't mind the obscurity of the "three years ago" scene; it's just a snapshot. But the next scene, the only clue I have about the scene is: cold, cars, and snow. I would have liked to read more of what's the scene like. Is it on a mountain road? an urban road? dark? bright? and so forth.
I'm usually not a nitpicky reviewer, but I want to point out the tense switches here. Reading this, I'm not sure which tense you want to use and that is not a really good thing. Some paragraphs are past, some present, and some mix. For example:
"Muttered" is past and "turns" is present. Tense switching can be a very annoying thing if scattered all over the piece. Scan the rest of the piece to find any tense inconsistencies.
I believe that's all I've got to say. PM me if you want to talk about my review, or if you have any YWS-related questions. Thanks for sharing this!
Thank you! I didn't even notice the "muttered" and "turns"! I will try to add more onto the setting and the mental state of the protagonist, to make it seem a little more realistic and give more information about our main character. Thank you!
Hey. This isn't too long (since it's the prologue), so there isn't much I can say about it, but I'll try.
First of all, I think what you have written is very good - I think you've done a good job in conveying the various injuries that the protagonist has, and I think you've done a great job in explaining the protagonist's state of mind/way of thinking, as I can quite clearly understand that the protagonist is stubborn and has a strong desire to live.
What I think you can improve on, is firstly the short introduction at the beginning before the three year time skip. I think this is a little confusing - if you meant for it to be like this then ignore what I'll say about it - and I think that it wouldn't have made it worse if you had explained in more detail where the protagonist was in relation to the person screaming, or if the protagonist was the one screaming. It sounds as if there is a person being tortured and the protagonist is nearby and unable to help, but I'm not entirely sure.
Also, I think maybe you could have went into more detail on how being injured was affecting the protagonist. You've spoken about it a little, but maybe you could have spoken about the health of the protagonist gradually deteriorating, and the mental fatigue accompanying this. For example, you could speak about how the protagonist gradually finds it harder to keep their head upright and collapses several times, and what effect this has on their spirit/will.
However, this is a good, enticing prologue, despite what I've said.
Thank you for the advice! I decided not to add too much detail on the first two paragraphs, as that will be explained later in the story. I will try to add more details about the protagonist, as you suggested. Again, thank you!
No problem, glad I could help.
Please, let me know if you enjoyed it, anything that needs to be fixed, and any overall comments!! If there's any hate, please let it be constructive! Arigatou! ~Thank you!