Somebody yelled as Emma stepped off the bus. The air was thick and a mist of unease lingered among the seats in which we were all sitting in. The bus driver was still unconscious. Me and my friend Alice sat hurled up in our seats, trying to protect ourselves while at the same time glancing out the window in an attempt to make sense of what was going on outside.
Suddenly, a bang against one of the windows in the bus broke the silence, followed by a loud scream. The silence was long gone and now everybody was panicking. People clumsily throwing themselves over the seats to try and get away from whatever caused the bang. Appearantely it had come from the outside. The pathway in the middle of the bus quickly became too populated to even step foot in. Adrenaline was rushing through my veins and my heart was beating so loudly that I was almost sure that Alice could hear it despite all the commotion. I dragged Alice with me and we climbed over the seats, going backwards.
“LOOK!” someone screamed and pointed towards something outside the front window, and everything went quiet. The whole class watched in silence and disbelief as a green monster, moldy, with holes piercing right through its head in multiple places, dragged Emma straight over the road, Gripping her torso with its teeth. Followed by this, A giant herd of similar looking creatures slowly dragged their skeletal feet across the asphalt. I saw multiple tears shyly seeking their way down my classmates cheeks. They were terrified. I started to hear distant phone dialing from the front of the bus. A couple of boys had claimed a few seats in the back and were speaking fast and loudly, I bet none of them could actually hear what anyone else was saying. A few girls had collected their backpacks from the shelves above us and gathered their essentials in a pile tight at the by the busdrivers chair. I glanced at Alice, who was already watching me.
“isn’t anybody going to take the lead? Make a plan?” she asked.
“I thought so, but I guess not”
People were gathering in small groups, with the smallest consisting of only two or three people. Then Alexander forced the back door of the bus opened. A wind of damp air blew in our face and people started screaming. But herdidn’t listen to an of the warnings he was given, and stepped out of the bus. Before he could even take a second step. He was claimed by the herd of horrifying beasts that seemed to be surrounding our bus. Five people that had been sitting on top of the seats, and keeping relatively calm ran to the monitor by the steering wheel and got the doors to close again.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
HIIII I FINALLY AM BACK AND NOW REVIEW URS CUZ I FORGOT AGAIN :3
This story feels less like a simple school romance and more like a psychological character study, and that’s what made it so immersive. The atmosphere is incredibly strong from the start. The “click, clack” footsteps, fogged glasses, perfume, fading sunlight, and empty hallways all build this dreamy but slightly suffocating mood that fits Etsuko’s perspective perfectly. I really liked how the narration blurs admiration and obsession, making Aoi feel almost unreal at first, like they exist more as an ideal than a real person. Etsuko’s inner thoughts add a lot of tension too, especially their fear of rejection, pity, and “fate,” which makes even small interactions feel emotionally loaded.
Aoi stood out to me because they feel both warm and slightly unreadable at the same time. Their dialogue is natural and confident compared to Etsuko’s hesitation, and that contrast makes their conversations really engaging. I also really liked the parallel between Etsuko idolizing Aoi at first and then Aoi later quietly admiring Etsuko while they paint. That shift in perspective in the art room scene was probably the emotional highlight for me. It finally shows Etsuko as someone deeply talented and focused, instead of just through their own insecurity. Naoki’s interruption also worked well because it breaks the softness of the moment and reminds the reader of the outside world.
The writing style is very strong overall, especially in atmosphere and sensory detail. Sometimes the descriptions get a bit dense, but it still works because it matches the emotional intensity of Etsuko’s mindset. Overall, it’s a really immersive and emotionally vivid piece about loneliness, admiration, and connection, with a strong and consistent tone throughout. Also Twinkle Toesies Unicorn Ponies EHEHHEHE (runs away)
-Nataleee<33 "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." - Dolly Parton
If you don't get the last reference its okay lol its still a little funny its my signature line in school :3
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Emma is going to step off the bus, but once she does, a monster kills her! More of the monsters are outside and the kids in the bus grow terrified of what is to come.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - “He” and “didn’t” is put together when Alexander steps out, but that’s just one little thing.
Chocolate Bar - I like how everyone is just panicking and trying to help one another, it feels very realistic as to what’s happening. I also like the description of the monsters, they sound extremely grotesque. And the main character talking to Alice, wanting to know who will take the lead, trying to make sense of all the madness.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a rather frightful story! I enjoyed reading this and I am glad that you are proud of this work! If you ever wanted to continue it, then I would read it, but this is fine as a standalone. And so now…
I wish you a glorious day/night! ^v^
thank you for reviewing <3
I have added more to the story since posting this so I might post it next time I can. It's just that I rarely get the chance to do non workrelated stuff on my school computer. So it mihgt be a while! ^w^
That%u2019s Alr!
Hello! Here to leave a review of your work!
In the description of your work you said this is a continuation of a story your teacher put together for you. I would have loved to read that as well, as I think it would have added more context to your story! I also would have loved to see an official title for this work. Now onto the story itself!
This is beautiful imagery that instantly sets up the tone of the story! It introduces location, the mood, and eeriness of events. I really loved the wording, as air is not meant to feel thick, so when it does, it gives the feeling that something is wrong. Clearly, something is going wrong in this story, so I really enjoyed how you used descriptions that work with that eeriness rather than against.
Because the bolded statement is at the beginning of the statement, it should read as My friend, Alice, and I. Something that helps me with this is removing the second subject (which in this case would be "my friend Alice") and reading the statement to see if it makes sense. "Me sat hurled up" wouldn't be correct, which is why it would be "I" at the beginning of the sentence instead.
The exposition in this work reads very nicely, as you use very clear and descriptive language to show what is happening. I like that you accompany telling with showing. For example:
These sentences really solidify the terrifying nature of events happening for these students. We are really seeing these events fold out from the first perspective of the narrator, so it's good to be able to see what they are seeing.
The little pieces of dialogue fit well within this story. It didn't feel lacking, as the two lines fit the intense mood of the story. It isn't over-explained, or over-dramatic, it's simple dialogue, but in the best way that gives personality to the characters and uneasiness to the situation.
Lastly, the ending of this story made me want to know more. Being able to do that means you captured the readers interest. What sort of beasts? What happened? This really sets up the story for many possibilities, and I really liked that. This could be a story worth pursuing if that was something you're interested in!
Thank you for sharing this. You should be proud of it, it's great! I look forward to reading more from you.
Much love, G<3
Hi! Thank you so much for your review!
I wanted to tell you that I didn't include my teachers beginning because she had put it in a presentation on the smartboard, and it wasn't accesible from my computer, if I had the text on my laptop I would've put it in :,)