Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
Monday, August 2nd, 2044
Makawao, Hawaii
"How long is this shit going to take...?" He wasn't aware that this thought came out into words and started wondering why everyone in the lobby was staring at him.
In a green, box-shaped building attached to a stadium in the dead center of Makawao, Hawaii, 15 year old Roy Kailola waited for his name to be called to enter the stadium. Like all of the other kids waiting in that small, stuffy room, there was something special about Roy. That specialty of his is what had him dragged to the peculiar building.
Out of boredom, Roy hummed a tune, which echoed throughout the tiny room. Everyone was annoyed by the horrendous tune he bellowed, but none of them stood up or said anything to him. Standing at 5’11” at only 15 years old, he towered over almost everyone in the room. No one had the gall to say anything to him.
Roy's humming got louder in the box to the point that some of the other children gathered up the courage to glare menacingly at him. From the left corner of the room he was being eyed by a terribly short, blonde haired girl with eyes bright and blue like an ocean. She was quite clearly exasperated and wanted an end to his obnoxious humming.
Roy caught her glance and stopped. She was just about to sigh in relief, but...
"What the hell are you staring at?" Roy said to her from across the room.
"Come again?" The girl responded in a manner not much unlike his.
Huh, a British accent. That’s cute, Roy thought.
"Why the hell are you staring at me like that? Is there a problem?" Roy stared blankly at her.
Waiting in that stuffy room for hours finally got to Roy. He needed something to entertain him, and she fit the bill. Unfortunately, his idea of fun was taunting and annoying people.
The short, blonde girl rose from her seat, fists clenched. The other children in the box could do nothing but watch. Some of them were smiling, and some looked down into their lap, praying that the two would just sit down.
Looking at her, Roy noticed their difference in height, for her forehead came up to just below his chin. He smirked.
"Listen here, little girl, I don't like when people stare at me, got it? I get that I'm attractive and all, but it's annoying. So can you please not do that?"
"I'm not a little girl, you cheeky piece of shit!"
“Oh hush, you adorable little thing. There’s no need to raise your voice at a grown man like me. I can hear you just fine down there.”
Lucy looked around her. Apparently, some of the kids found Roy’s little jab at her amusing. Now she was truly pissed; she had been sitting in a hot, stuffy room with a bunch of strangers for hours, and now some buffoon decided to start taunting her to satisfy his own boredom. She clenched her fists and was just about to raise her hand.
“...!”
The steel doors of the room flung open. Out of it came a woman in a bulletproof vest and all black gear. The lady had short, brown hair that hung down to her shoulders and the facial features and expression of an angry man. She was the Supervisor, the one who came and called in the children one-by-one.
"Roy Kailola, please come with me."
Roy gave the short girl a final look and turned away, waving as he walked off. She returned to her seat and gave a disgusted huff as she sat.
The woman took Roy through the doors and walked him down the halls. It was a dry, dingy hall lit by nothing but small lamps scattered randomly through the hallway.
"So, what type of test will I be doing, lady?” Roy inquired. “They never told me."
"Shut it." The flatness of her tone and the force in that command did not please Roy at all.
"Stuck up bitch..." Again, he failed to keep his thoughts out of his mouth.
The woman grabbed him by his collar and threw him against the wall. It didn't really hurt him very much, but it did frighten him how strong she was.
"C-calm down, it was a joke! A joke!"
"Get up."
He rose and walked with her without saying another word. Finally, they reached the other pair of steel doors. The lady pushed the door open, and Roy had to cover his eyes from the sun since he had been sitting in a poorly lit room for almost 4 hours.
"Hello there, Roy." Roy heard a voice from above. He looked up to see where the voice was coming from, and he saw an almost throne-like chair at the far end of the stadium. In that chair sat an old, bald man in a green Tuxedo. The tuxedo looked brand new; there was not a single crease in it. His head looked cleanly shaven; there was not a single strand of hair on it.
"Step forward." The voice came once again. Roy wondered how the voice sounded so close when the man was on the opposite side of the stadium.
"Today, we are here to test your abilities and decide your place in our society, as your affliction makes it impossible and impractical for you to remain in your current one. Are you ready, Roy Kailola Jr., to be subjected to this test?"
Roy shrugged his shoulders.
The old, bald man snapped his fingers. As he did that, a gentleman in a purple tuxedo stepped from behind the old man’s chair. The young man’s head was cleanly shaven as well, and he had an unkempt beard that looked like an insect could get caught in it if he were riding on a bike.
“Your special ability is one that can be used for violence. Do you believe in any other uses for your affliction?”
“No,” Roy answered. “I’m a fighter in and out. Even if I wasn’t stuck with this stupid power I’d still kick ass.”
The old man snapped again and the bearded gentleman removed his jacket.
“I want you to demonstrate your ability on my assistant, Desmond,” the old man said folded his arms.
Roy took a quick glance at Desmond. His face was as smooth as one would expect from a little boy, but his scraggly beard made him look much older. He was of an average build with not very defined muscles, in fact, he was a bit scrawny, and he didn’t look like he could take a hit very well. After sizing him up, Roy came to the conclusion that he could very well take on this man if he really had to fight him.
“Sure, but do I have to?” Roy tried to fight back a smile.
“How else would I know where to place you?”
“Alright, but be warned: I’m not going to go easy on him.”
Roy cracked his knuckles and bent down a little to stretch his legs. Desmond raised his fists to his chest and prepared to take the young man on. Unbeknownst to anyone in that room or stadium, Roy was a pretty good fighter. Growing up, all he ever did was fight. It wasn’t because he was bullied or anything of the like; he just liked fighting. The thrill of punching or even taking a punch was like a drug that Roy was helplessly addicted to.
Roy took off toward Desmond and he managed to reach the other end of the stadium in a matter of seconds. Desmond’s eyes widened in shock as he didn’t expect a child to be that fast and light on his feet.
With every ounce of the force in his body, Roy slammed his right fist into Desmond’ arms that he had held up to block his face. Desmond’s right arm flew back from the force of the punch, and Roy came up with his left fist ready to deliver a blow to the man’s face. However, he took two quick steps back and avoided the attack.
Not giving him a chance to gather himself, Roy came at him again. Desmond had his arms at his face, for he figured Roy would again aim for it again. Though, this time, instead of aiming for the face, Roy jammed his fists into the man’s ribs. He remained composed and grabbed Roy’s arm.
Desmond pulled his arm, and Roy tripped over his own heel. This made him lose his balance and before he could regain his footing, Desmond had struck him in the face with his fist. Unexpectedly, the hit did not hurt very much. Roy knew the man was pretty skinny, but he did not figure that he’d be that weak. An odd feeling surged through Roy’s body.
“Um... Excuse me, young man...?” The old man tried to get Roy’s attention, but to no avail; Roy was completely into it.
Roy headbutted Desmond in the chest and knocked him to the floor. He pummeled the man and rained upon him with his fists. Each time his fist hit Desmond’s temple, he felt like his head was going to burst. That gave him an odd satisfaction and a desire to feel it again and again like a madman, bludgeoning his victim until soon he couldn’t feel his own hands. It began to feel like he was pounding a bundle of meat. Roy suddenly got a hold of himself and decided to put an end to the fight already. He got off of the man and gave him a chance to gather himself. Desmond stood up, but it was clear that he was in no shape to continue fighting.
Roy let out a fulminating cry that sounded much more like a roar as he sailed his fist square into the center of Desmond’s face. His face contorted so badly that it hardly looked like that of a human, and his body bounced across the field and landed at the feet of the old man in the green suit.
Roy stretched his arms out and chucked a little.
“So? How was that, old man?”
The old man didn’t know what to say for a few seconds.
“It was... excellent...”
“I know, right!? So, is this where you where you decide where I’ll go?”
"Yes, but may I ask what exactly is your power? I enjoyed watching you box my assistant, but you were supposed to demonstrate your power to him, not beat him to death."
Roy stared down at his right hand. He completely forgot that he was supposed to show his supernatural powers, not his physical strength. His embarrassment was clear on his face, but he tried to brush it off and continue.
"Well, I can make anything I want appear into my hands," he said.
"Anything?"
"Sure, anything but living things like humans or animals. Whenever I try to create a living thing, nothing comes out and my arms start burning."
An intrigued look crawled upon the old man’s face. "Would you mind showing me how this power of yours works?”
“Sure, I guess.”
Roy put both of his arms forward in front of him.
Sparks of lightning jumped from Roy’s hand. After a few flickers, the lightning began jumping and lashing out of his palm like a wild animal. The light engulfed his hand entirely, its brightness too bright to look at directly. The old man leaned forward in his chair.
The light disappeared from Roy’s hand, and, in them, there was a golden cane. The diamond laden cane shone so brightly that the old man had to squint to see what it actually was.
“Here you go.” Roy tossed the cane over to the old man’s chair. He got up from his seat and picked the cane up off of the floor.
"Splendid!” the old man said, marveling at the object. “I have something to ask you, though,” he continued. “Where exactly do these things come from? Do you draw them somewhere else or do you make them from scratch?"
Roy once again looked at his hands.
"Well, I doubt that these are being pulled from somewhere else,” Roy said.
“What makes you say that?”
“Some things I make don’t even exist.”
“What...?”
“Let me show you.” Roy raised his hand again, and sparks started to fly from his palm. This time, however, something else appeared in his hand. It looked like some type of gun, except it did not look like any presently in use. It was circular with an odd looking trigger in the center of it and a small hole at the end, where whatever was supposed to be shot out came from.
“I say, boy, what is that thing?” The old man rose out of his seat.
“I don't know. I saw it in the window of a toy store on my way here.”
“Does it... work?”
“Yeah, see?” Roy pulled the trigger, and the gun fired an auroral beam. The ray of light destroyed a large section in the seating area of the stadium. The old, bald man smiled like a sack of gold was sitting right in front of him.
“You have a bright future ahead of you, young man,” the old man said, nearly slapping Roy’s soul out of his back.
“Thanks, gramps.” Roy didn’t care much for the old man’s compliments. “Can you not do that again? Thanks.”
“Do you have all of your stuff packed?”
“Yeah, it's in the lobby.”
“Bring them here; your plane will arrive shortly.”
As Roy walked back through the steel doors, he couldn’t contain his excitement. He didn’t very much like the idea of leaving his mother and sister, but he was looking forward to living on his own. Oh boy! I wonder what block I'll be in! I hope it's full of strong people!
He pushed through the steel doors and immediately met the eyes of the short, blonde girl.
Roy walked past her and headed back to his seat where his bag was. Once he retrieved his bag, he walked back towards the door. Before he left, he gave the girl a final glance and a smile
He didn’t really hate the girl or anything, nor did their previous confrontation seem relevant to him at all. In fact, he looked forward to whatever snarky comment she would make to him.
“Good luck,” he said to her. In vain effort, he tried to be friendly and calm her down since she stared at him with so much contempt.
“Just leave already, you waste of breath. I don’t ever want to see your hideous mug for the rest of my life.” She clearly hated him, though. It seems his insults still didn’t leave her mind.
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Heya pretzelsing here for a review,
I usually skip introductions and get right into the meat of my review :p
In this quote is very cliche:
I recently wrote an article about cliche s and how they are overrated like GEICO ads,they loose their sense of originality and your personal touch. Be creative with this and change it up. I don't have any ideas right now but I do know that with you can come up with something.
I didn't understand this sentnence:
Based on what I know about him, he isn't attractive at all in my eyes, no matter his looks.She cusses and taunts and annoys people and he is towering tall, hardly character traitstahat describe an "attractive" person.If something he is the opposite of attractive.Also I don't think that the Blondie thinks that he is attractive.
I had to reread this sentence two times to understand what you are meaning by it:
Did he refer to the bug or the young man?At first this was what I was wondering.Then after analyzing this sentence I realized that you were talking about the young man.Maybe rephrase this and say: " if the young bald man were riding a bike."
I personally think that you should change this up:
So the truth is that he can't make anything^^
I would fix this and say:" I can create anything but living
things" or something like that!
Also two things about this quote:
Put a period after and also,why did his mood/attitude change to the girl? Why so sudden and did he forget her annoying stare? Anyways, this story has some great potential is you workajard on polishing/editing it.Hope that this reviews helps and as always I truly encourage you to keep on writing!;-)
Hi there!
This is a great start. I absolutely love it. You jump right into the action and leave the answers for later. It really gets the reader interested and make the want to read more. You've thrown us into this world that should be just like ours, because it's set in Hawaii, but it's obviously going to be different. That's something that will really add to the story. We'll want everything to be like we know, but really it's going to be different. I think that's pretty cool.
I'm not a big fan of stuff like this. It's fine in dialogue because it shows the character trailing off, but it's pointless in this situation. You can just as easily say something like, "She was just about to sigh in relief when the boy started again". That's also a good way to lead into his dialogue. Plus, we really don't know exactly what is coming after the 'but'. We assume that it's Roy's comment, but it's not completely obvious.
I'm not sure what you meant by this. There isn't any dialogue here so there really shouldn't be quotation marks. Also, there are many ways that you can show us a character hesitating or being too frustrated to speak, which is what I'm assuming this was meant to be.
Just a nitpick here.
My sixth grade English teacher taught us that any number that you can write out in a single word, or even connected by a hyphen like twenty-seven for example, should be written out. I've kept a hold of that rule ever since. So the 4 should be written out.
Okay, I'm being nitpicky again.
Roy says that he can make things appear that don't even exist. However, this strange gun like object obviously exists because he saw it at a toy store. It doesn't really prove his point. It'd be more believable if he could conjure up something that no one had ever seen before.
One thing that I think needs a bit of working on is your main character Roy. There are some times where you jump back and forth between personalities for him. For example, in the beginning he seems like a real jerk and some big tough guy. But then at the end he tells the girl good luck suddenly wanted to be friendly. Here are two parts that really stuck out when I was reading through:
The part about the accent made it seem like he might actually like the girl, or at least find her cute. But then he cusses at her and asks what her problem is, not to mention he says it blankly, without any emotion. I'm confused that these two are so close together. Does he like her or not? I don't necessarily mean "like like" her, but just as a person.
Here's another part that's a bit confusing to me:
I can understand that he's excited, but he just seems a bit too excited to me. I mean, he just went and beat up someone, quite mercilessly I might add, and he's all giddy about living on his own. He's excited, yes, but his excitement level is much higher than I would've imagined. I can see him being excited, but still on an adrenaline rush from beating up that guy. So, just not too excited.
I guess my point is, find your characters voice and his personality. There's always room for something out of character, but I feel like that really shouldn't happen in the first handful of chapters. The character's personality has to be established so we know what kind of person they are. Then you can start showing us the range of their emotions and how they react. As of now, I don't know what to think of Roy. Is he the intense character in the arena or is the jerk from that room or is he just a big softie? I don't know. That's definitely something that's important.
Another thing I would've really liked to see is a description of this stadium. It sounds like a really cool place. But there's nothing here to tell us what it looks like. I appreciate the image of the chair that the old man is sitting in, but you need to give us more than that! Bring the place to life. Right now I'm stuck between imagining a Roman arena, you know where they used to have gladiator fights, and an empty football stadium. Paint us a picture of this stadium, make us feel like we're there.
Overall, this is a very well written chapter and a great start to a story. Sure there are some things you could work on, but what piece of writing doesn't have something that could be fixed to make it better? Your idea is solid and it seems that you have a good grasp on what this world is like. You've got a lot going for your novel here and I can't wait to see where you take it!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi and welcome to YWS.
:
. Keep writing.
I personally enjoyed this story a lot. It's well written, with a great idea behind it. I have seen a few stories about people with special powers or something else that is different about them being separated from the rest of society before. However both the way you decided to approach it, and the fact that it's still a relatively new idea to me, made your story, to coin a phrase, a breath of fresh air to this fantasy/sci-fi lover.
One complaint I do have about your story is this paragraph:
"Lucy looked around her. Apparently, some of the kids found Roy’s little jab at her amusing. Now she was truly pissed; she had been sitting in a hot, stuffy room with a bunch of strangers for hours, and now some buffoon decided to start taunting her to satisfy his own boredom. She clenched her fists and was just about to raise her hand."
It's seems quite odd that you would choose to jump between characters suddenly for a paragraph, then switch back. I find it rather confusing to read. Multiple POV's are completely fine for a story, I'd just advise that you stick with one character for at least half a chapter and find a way of showing that you've switched and giving your readers a chance to adjust.
I'm not a great expert on spelling, grammar or punctuation, so I think if there are any issues with those I'll leave them for my fellow reviewers. Also I hate being negative for long periods of time. Back to positive things.
Roy is an interesting character to follow the story of, especially as he comes off as more of an anti-hero than anything else. The conflict between him and Lucy is another thing that got me hooked on this story. I'm really looking forward to seeing what problems his personality is going to cause for him later on. I'm also currently wondering what consequences him attacking Desmond so much is going to have for him.
In summary (Because I love lists)
Things I liked
- Interesting story idea
- Strong characters
- Mostly well written, with a lot of potential
And the thing I didn't like:
- A confusing change in POV
Finally, I will definitely be following you and giving this story a star