Prose - I don't know whether this is intentional or not, but you overuse "shone" in the first paragraph. My impression is the repetition is meant to be poetic or lyrical in some way, but it doesn't quite work. I would use a different descriptor. Your use of commas is often incorrect, with the first instance happening in the very first sentence. It's just "The sun rose and broke over the majestic purple mountains..." no comma. It happens in the second sentence too. Take out the comma after "cottages." The over use of commas made this really difficult to read. It bogged down the pacing and broke the flow of the sentences. You should read through this and see where the comments are used incorrectly and get rid of them.
Here's a straightforward guide for how to use commas; https://www.thepunctuationguide.com/comma.html
I trudged through several run-on sentences. The first one I saw was the second paragraph. You could easily split that into two sentences and it would read smoother. Another issue I had with this sentence is the subject. You're focusing more on the objects around the princess than on the princess herself. It makes me think the window and the bed are what I'm supposed to be focusing. You should rewrite this with the character as the focus. "Princess Robin was fast asleep in the tallest tower of the castle, her hair spilling over the legends embroidered on her pillow." This is just a suggestion, but something along these lines will shift the focus to where you want it to be.
Voice and Character - After reading this, I didn't quite get a sense of the main character's motivations or feelings until toward the end of the chapter. At this point she's in danger of falling into the "restrained princess wants adventure" archetype. There's not enough of her voice to carry the piece through, but there are moments when you start to scratch at the surface. Dig deeper. You can start with a character outline to help you find it, ask yourself questions about her and build more of an identity. She hates being a princess and longs for adventure? Why? What makes her different from other princesses who just want to rebel? Also, would she really just decide to go on the quest after reading this mysterious letter that came out of nowhere? Isn't that kind of naive? Wouldn't she think it's a trap or a prank? Wouldn't she be more skeptical, or is her naïveté a character flaw that will later lead her to trouble? The letter is a good idea as a plot device, but without the motivations to go along with it, it's not believable enough.
Dialogue - Your dialogue needs to be separated from your narrative. The way it's formatted right now isn't correct. So:
"It was only when her personal servant, Patty bustled in with a fresh load of laundry that she finally awoke. “ Wake up, please Princess Robin, I’ll be scolded if you aren’t at archery in fifteen minutes.” Robin yawned, and stretched."
So the dialogue, "Wake up please, Princess Robin...." needs to be its own paragraph in this instance. This sentence is also confusing. Is Princess Robin already awake when Patty comes in? If she is, why is Patty telling her to wake up. Phrasing here needs to be rearranged.
I thought the dialogue was cute, but as a reader I'm experiencing the same issue here as stated above—she doesn't have a distinct enough voice or motivation. The dialogue also seems pretty modern for a medieval fantasy setting.
Plot and Pacing - Your story starts in the wrong place. In general you don't want to start a story with the character waking up, brushing their teeth, getting dressed, etc. or doing something completely ordinary. You need to start where the action is. The real story starts in the archery yard when Princess Robin finds the note. In fact I think you should consider starting off with the lines from the note and go from there.
Setting and World Building - It's a castle in medieval England, basically. Is there anything unique to this world that sets it apart from other fantasy settings? What's the weather like? Is the castle in a forest on the cliffs or is a waterside castle on a beach? What time of year is it? Are there any unusual plants that grow in this world, or any unusual animals, or societal customs that differ from real life? It's fantasy, where's the magic? Is it front and center or is it simmering in the background? Just some questions to consider as you're creating this world.
Overall Impression
Good start, and please take everything here with a grain of salt. My advice is to take some time to polish up your prose and correct that grammar and punctuation errors, start the story closer to when Princess Robin finds the note, and work on character voice. You're on a good track. Thanks for the read!
-F
Points: 3
Reviews: 198
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