z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Stolen Locket: Chapter 1

by Ruthie


The sun rose, and broke over the majestic purple mountains bordering the kingdom . It shone on a small village full of quaint little cottages, and farmland spreading as far as the eye could see. It shone on a sparkling blue stream, winding its way through a great emerald green forest, and it shone on a beautiful stone castle in the far north of this majestic kingdom.

Through the highest window, of the tallest tower, Princess Robin was fast asleep in a lavish gold bed with two fluffy mattresses, and a beautiful down comforter, embroidered with illustrations of all the kingdom’s legends.

Even when the church bell rang in the little village, and the courtyard of the palace became alive with all sorts of noises, Princess Robin remained in Dreamland.

It was only when her personal servant, Patty bustled in with a fresh load of laundry that she finally awoke. “ Wake up, please Princess Robin, I’ll be scolded if you aren’t at archery in fifteen minutes.” Robin yawned, and stretched.

“Too early” she grumbled, but she didn’t want Patty to get in trouble, so she dragged herself out of bed, and allowed herself to be fitted into a suit of lady’s armor for her training.

Unlike most kings and queens, her parents expected her to be able to fight well. “I really love archery,” said the Princess excitedly, “But I do need more practice.” Patty tried to hold in giggles.

“If you don’t mind my saying so-” she started, and then stopped and cleared her throat, “I know you’ll improve” Robin laughed. Patty had such a strange way of wording her sentences.

“That’s alright” Robin said “You don’t have to pretend, everyone knows that I’m trash at it!”

Soon, the armor was fully on the princess, and they headed down to the kitchen to grab a snack before archery. In order to do this, the princess was escorted by Patty down three flights of spiral staircases, to the grand staircase, and down to the entrance hall.

“Good morning Princess Robin!” came a friendly voice. Robin turned to see her mother, Queen Elisa, who greeted her with a warm hug. “How was your sleep?”

“Well your in a good mood!” remarked Robin

“Oh, and do you know why, sweet daughter? The royal ball is in only four days! It is to be held in the forest castle, and it will be such a grand time. I simply can’t wait! Anyways,” said the queen getting back on track, “Off you go to archery this instant!”

The princess, and Patty, then walked across the courtyard, and down another flight of stairs, to a place the princess very rarely went: the servants quarters.

“Why can’t I just have a regular breakfast in the dining hall?” she complained to her humble servant.

“Dear Princess,” said Patty nervously “Uh. . . Beautiful Jewel of Grace” she continued, trying to recall the training she had received only a week before on how to be exceedingly polite to a figure such as the princess.

“Just get on with it, would ya?” asked an annoyed Robin.

“Okay,”said Patty, more comfortable now, “The rest of the royal family, and the nobility will be having a feast this morning during the same hours that you will be practicing your archery.”Robin groaned.

“They always have to leave me out!” she said, but then shut up, realizing that poor Patty had never had a single meal after which she had been full in a very long time.

There was an awkward silence as the walked, until they reached the kitchen. “Here is the princess” Patty said, addressing the cook.

“Wonderful!” said the cook kindly “And you’re just in time too!” she exclaimed, pulling a freshly baked apple pie from the oven. Robin smiled. The pie looked, and smelled so delicious. Steam was still rising through the top as the cook cut a large slice and handed it to Robin, “How do you like the size of that piece?” She asked, and chuckled a warm laugh. Her plump cheeks grew rosy, and her blue eyes twinkled with mischief.

“Can’t let poor Patty go hungry this morning, now can we?” she said, and cut a piece even bigger than the Princess’s, and handed it to Patty.

“Thanks!” Patty exclaimed, and dug in, savoring each morsel. Robin frowned to herself. Why should a servant be treated better than her?

Soon, they were finished eating , and Robin, who was eager to get out of the plain servants quarters which, by the way, were quite stuffy, said “Let’s go get my bow.”

Patty agreed, thanking the cook once more for her kindness.

The two girls hurried up to the back door of the castle, and quietly slipped out. “I hope we aren’t late,” said Patty, as they approached the archery grounds. As it turned out, they were just on time.

“Welcome, Princess Robin,” spoke her instructor as he got her bow out of the small shack next to the archery range.

The archery range itself was a very nice place, a wooded little area next to the Great Emerald Forest. There were three targets set up in a row.

“Do you remember how to string a bow?” he questioned.

“ Not really”, Robin admitted. Her last class had not gone too well. She had lost seven arrows to the Emerald Forest. She hit the target once, but on the white part, that counted for zero points.

Her instructor spoke up again, “This time,” he said, “ You must not lose any arrows. We are running low!”

“I’m not getting any better!” Princess Robin reminded her instructor.

“That is my point”, he explained. “Whenever you miss, you must go into the forest and find an arrow to replace it. You have lost so many that there should be an abundance. “

Princess Robin smiled. It was true. She had lost a lot. Once her instructor got her beautiful bow ready for her, he handed her a quiver full of beautiful arrows with red feathers at the ends.

“Aim for the middle.” he said

“Got it!” said Princess Robin, with confidence. She took a step closer and closed her left eye. She held her bow, wobbling for a minute, and when she was sure that she had it aimed right for the center, she released it. The arrow whizzed through the air and, sadly for Robin, hit the ground a few feet away from her. She looked at her instructor, who was just finishing eating a big red apple. He tossed the core into the woods and spoke.

“Princess”, he said. “You have to point the bow a bit more up. And how many times do I have to tell you that you are left handed, and you must close your right eye.” He shook his head. “Practice makes perfect, so try again.”

This time, our princess pointed the bow high up, and pulled the string back with all her might (which she had a lot of). Sadly, she forgot to aim, and the arrow shot right past the target, and into the Emerald Forest. Robin looked at her instructor.

“What are you waiting for?” he asked, “Run and get it!”

So Robin was on her way, running into the Emerald Forest. “I should probably be off,” said Patty, who had been watching the girl try, and was now bored.

“Bye!”called Robin over her shoulder as she ran. Her eyes scanned the trees and floor of the forest, but she saw no arrows. So she did what anyone would do and ran further into the forest.

“I should be finding something by now,” Robin said to herself. Just then, when she looked up, she saw an arrow on a pine tree. However, it was not her arrow. It was longer, with expensive jewels on the shaft, and the tip was made out of a sharpened diamond.

Whoever had been shooting here must have been rich, Robin thought, and then something caught her eye. A little slip of parchment was tucked into one of the feathers.

Curiously, Robin pulled the arrow out of the tree, and looked at the parchment. It read:

If you are prepared to go on a quest,

You must pass this simple test.

Find the four lost Princesses,

And rescue them from bondage.

Once you have done this,

You will be

A hero among all.

In order to do this,

You must acquire

The Stolen Locket,

A king’s desire

It holds the next great clue.

The rest,

My friend,

Is up to you.

The lost princesses? Thought Robin. She had heard a tale of them before. They had ruled the kingdom in peace and harmony for many years. Then, one day, they were taken captive by some mysterious person, never to be seen again.

All Robin knew was that she needed to go on the quest. She sat, studying the arrow. How do I know that this isn’t a trap? She asked herself, but she shook her head.

She hated being a princess. She longed for adventure. This was just what she needed.

Robin would go on the quest, find the locket, use it to free the lost princesses, and then they could rule in the place of her parents. She could do what she had always dreamed of doing, move out to the country, where she didn’t have to do archery lessons, or any of that nonsense.

Robin nodded her head, and snatched the beautiful arrow. She tucked the piece of paper into a pocket of her armor, and ran at top speed back to her lesson.

“Where have you been, your majesty?” questioned her instructor strictly when she got back.

“I found you the most beautiful arrow in the whole entire kingdom.” exclaimed Robin, hoping that this would make up for it. She handed the diamond arrow to her instructor.

“Wow!” he breathed, marveling at the wonderful arrow. “Oh yeah,” he said, regaining his composure, “ I was about to say that it took you so long to fetch the arrow, that by now your lesson is over. You are expected in the royal hall for lunch. Patty will be here to take you any minute.”

Robin smiled to herself. Perhaps Patty would accompany her on her quest.

Soon Patty arrived, and took the princess to the dining hall. “Patty,” said Robin, “I have something to ask you”


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198 Reviews


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Wed Feb 05, 2020 9:59 pm
Dreamworx95 wrote a review...



Prose - I don't know whether this is intentional or not, but you overuse "shone" in the first paragraph. My impression is the repetition is meant to be poetic or lyrical in some way, but it doesn't quite work. I would use a different descriptor. Your use of commas is often incorrect, with the first instance happening in the very first sentence. It's just "The sun rose and broke over the majestic purple mountains..." no comma. It happens in the second sentence too. Take out the comma after "cottages." The over use of commas made this really difficult to read. It bogged down the pacing and broke the flow of the sentences. You should read through this and see where the comments are used incorrectly and get rid of them.

Here's a straightforward guide for how to use commas; https://www.thepunctuationguide.com/comma.html

I trudged through several run-on sentences. The first one I saw was the second paragraph. You could easily split that into two sentences and it would read smoother. Another issue I had with this sentence is the subject. You're focusing more on the objects around the princess than on the princess herself. It makes me think the window and the bed are what I'm supposed to be focusing. You should rewrite this with the character as the focus. "Princess Robin was fast asleep in the tallest tower of the castle, her hair spilling over the legends embroidered on her pillow." This is just a suggestion, but something along these lines will shift the focus to where you want it to be.

Voice and Character - After reading this, I didn't quite get a sense of the main character's motivations or feelings until toward the end of the chapter. At this point she's in danger of falling into the "restrained princess wants adventure" archetype. There's not enough of her voice to carry the piece through, but there are moments when you start to scratch at the surface. Dig deeper. You can start with a character outline to help you find it, ask yourself questions about her and build more of an identity. She hates being a princess and longs for adventure? Why? What makes her different from other princesses who just want to rebel? Also, would she really just decide to go on the quest after reading this mysterious letter that came out of nowhere? Isn't that kind of naive? Wouldn't she think it's a trap or a prank? Wouldn't she be more skeptical, or is her naïveté a character flaw that will later lead her to trouble? The letter is a good idea as a plot device, but without the motivations to go along with it, it's not believable enough.

Dialogue - Your dialogue needs to be separated from your narrative. The way it's formatted right now isn't correct. So:

"It was only when her personal servant, Patty bustled in with a fresh load of laundry that she finally awoke. “ Wake up, please Princess Robin, I’ll be scolded if you aren’t at archery in fifteen minutes.” Robin yawned, and stretched."

So the dialogue, "Wake up please, Princess Robin...." needs to be its own paragraph in this instance. This sentence is also confusing. Is Princess Robin already awake when Patty comes in? If she is, why is Patty telling her to wake up. Phrasing here needs to be rearranged.
I thought the dialogue was cute, but as a reader I'm experiencing the same issue here as stated above—she doesn't have a distinct enough voice or motivation. The dialogue also seems pretty modern for a medieval fantasy setting.

Plot and Pacing - Your story starts in the wrong place. In general you don't want to start a story with the character waking up, brushing their teeth, getting dressed, etc. or doing something completely ordinary. You need to start where the action is. The real story starts in the archery yard when Princess Robin finds the note. In fact I think you should consider starting off with the lines from the note and go from there.

Setting and World Building - It's a castle in medieval England, basically. Is there anything unique to this world that sets it apart from other fantasy settings? What's the weather like? Is the castle in a forest on the cliffs or is a waterside castle on a beach? What time of year is it? Are there any unusual plants that grow in this world, or any unusual animals, or societal customs that differ from real life? It's fantasy, where's the magic? Is it front and center or is it simmering in the background? Just some questions to consider as you're creating this world.

Overall Impression

Good start, and please take everything here with a grain of salt. My advice is to take some time to polish up your prose and correct that grammar and punctuation errors, start the story closer to when Princess Robin finds the note, and work on character voice. You're on a good track. Thanks for the read!

-F




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Wed Feb 05, 2020 3:40 am
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PinkJupiter says...



I really like what you are doing with this story, although there are always places for improvement. For instance, you could have some more places where you show what is happening instead of telling. You could also have a few more contractions to make the dialog more natural. In my opinion, you have a good style. However, you could probably use some practice, just like we all could. Overall, I like the story and I think it could become a very good book.




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Wed Feb 05, 2020 12:32 am
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IamI wrote a review...



Hello. This is my review.

Show don’t tell.

The biggest issue here is that you show far more than you tell, while many writers (including myself) tire of hearing this, showing is an excellent narrative device, and while it may take longer to get across an image (remember the adage ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’), it is an effective tool, especially early on in works like this, which have their own world to set up, it can help establish what kind of world the character lives in, how they fit into it, and what conflicts they may face. In the beginning you do a lot of telling through dialogue, and while this is a step in the right direction, it’s still telling. Instead of this line ‘you don’t have to pretend, everyone knows I’m trash at it.’ You could show her practicing and missing the target, and onlookers laughing. I’m definitely rewriting your story a bit here, but I think you get the point.

Style

You’re style is fine, though unremarkable. You make a few missteps, like ‘... the queen said, getting back on track’, when writing remember this famous quote from ‘elements of style’ by William Strunk and E. B. White: ‘Omit needless words.’, other than that, you’re fine.

World

Your world is easily the weakest link, not necessarily because it is undefined or not vivid, but because I have seen it all before, I want to know what makes this world interesting and worth staying in, keep this in mind as keep writing.

Dialogue

You’re dialogue, on the other hand, is easily the strongest part of the story, the characters talk like people are supposed to talk, and though it has a vague air of a person reciting a script, at least it’s a good script. So, of all the things that need improvement, the dialogue needs it least.

Plot

The plot, though it’s only starting out, shows promise, I look forward to see what you do with it.

In conclusion

I’m sure this came off as somewhat harsh, but I saw you were new, so I thought it would be best to eliminate weaknesses early, as it were. Keep up the good work.

This was my review. Goodbye.





Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (I am a man, I don't consider anything human foreign to me)
— Terence