Published September 24, 2007
What makes the perfect slice of cheese?
Thick enough to get the flavor
Thin enough to melt on a slice of toasted bread
Only the Finnish cheese slicer can perform the noble deed. It's found in every Finnish home, and that is all they need.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,597 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
I like the first couple of lines, how you start with a question, and start to explain further in the second and third lines.
The title, as well as the topic itself, drew me in, as it's just not something you would normally see a poem written about.
The last line, however, was a bit odd. Too long really, and as someone else said, more of an observation than anything else. Maybe break it up. Maybe think about whether you need to change the last line completely.
So. Concentrate on rhythm a little more, and this could be much better.
Any questions, just ask. =) You may have to PM me if you have anything urgent though, or I may not see the question.
Good luck with it!
Kay.
Heehee. This was so fresh! It's hard to say anything very helpful as it's so short, but I would suggest giving "It's found in every Finnish home" a line of its own for the sake of the layout and rhythm. And maybe a seperate line for "can perform the noble deed"...
Ooh, just the title of this was enough to make me interested. And the poem did not disappoint!
I love the first line. It made me smile.
One thing, though. The last line seemed a bit unpoem-y, more like the tie-up sentence of a really short short story. So maybe you could break the last line into two, at the rhyme? Might help.
And, I bet you could make this longer, too. Elaborate on the cheese slice idea, perhaps? That'd be awesome, and I think there're whole worlds of cheese poetry, so far untouched by the human pen, that you could unlock.
Again, very nice.
Peace, love, chocolate.
Muffin
Um... Okay...
~Pol~
This is a strange little poem to be honest. I think it has the potential to be a light, enjoyable, perhaps even amusing poem but at the moment it's more of a random observation. You need to expand on why the Finnish cheese slicer is the best a bit more. Perhaps it's easier to use? And what makes the others so inferior? And perhaps go into types of cheeses?
Just a few things for you to think about and I think what you have so far isn't badly written, just a little short and a little plain.