I'm back! Expect a summary of my critiques at the end here!
Grammar
Cameron and Gideon walked out into the long hallway. "Each of these rooms are home to at least one person in the rebellion. We empty [s]there[/s] their houses and place them in here. No matter the size, we make sure they feel at home. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said winking at Gideon.
After walking past many closed doors, Gideon found himself back in the quick bay. "I've already explained this room, so let's go check in on Carlos. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, taking a right and opening another door. "Carlos!" [s]She[/s] she yelled [s]outloud[/s] [need a space anyway ]. "Come meet Gideon!" [no quotations] Give him a tour of your 'lair'. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, obviously mocking him. The room was painted pure white, technology scattered across the room. On every table was some sort of new invention, [no comma] or [s]some sort of[/s] machine [s]being[/s] in need of repaired. A [s]small[/s] fat little man popped his head up from behind a desk covered with at [s]lest[/s] least thirteen or fourteen computers.
Small, little man is redundant.
"Ay ya Ay!" [s]The[/s] the stout Hispanic exclaimed. "You scared me Cameron!" He hopped out of his seat and waddled over to Gideon. Gideon was surprised at his height, [semi instead] if the man was any shorter, he would probably be considered a 'midget'.
Underlined: No quotes. Midget is an actual word, so let's not insult any midgets and trash the quotes, aye?
"My name is Carlos Cristobal. [comma instead]" [s]The[/s] the little man said, extending a pudgy hand to him. "I'm this team's brain. Everything here, I've built." He [s]said, pulling[/s] pulled his hand back before Gideon could shake it [s]to[/s] and motioned towards the piles of junk in the room. "Did you see Cameron's bow last night?" He [s]said running, which was more like scurrying,[s] ran, or scurried, towards a container full of arrows. "These little babies are the first ever long-ranged electronic weapons. Aren't they purdy?" [s]He[/s] he said, admiring his own handy work. "Anything you ever need, let me know; I'll make it. Oh, I have to show you-" [s]He said, rudely interrupted by Cameron.[/s]
"Thanks, Carlos, but we've gotta go. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, leading Gideon out of the room.
"It was nice meeting you Carlos. [comma instead]" Gideon said as he watched the little man, [no comma] [s]hope[/s] hop back into his chair in front of the computer screens.
"He doesn't act much older than he looks, but that immature little guy, [no comma] is one of the smartest people alive. He used to work for the government, [dash instead] designed the reality machines himself, [dash instead] but ran off when he found out what they [s]were going to[/s] would be used for. Right now he's number one on the government's most wanted lists. That's why he hasn't left this building in five years, [no comma] and most likely never will."
She [s]lead[/s] led him across the quickbay to another door. "This is Vinny. He's our mechanic around here. He's also one of the few people awake who knows how to drive a beetle."
Vinny's not even there, and she's introducing him? I, as the MC, would think she meant the Beetle itself.
"A beetle?" Gideon asked Cameron as the door slid open. "What's a Beetle. [question mark instead]"
"This, my friend," boomed a loud voice, [no comma] with a heavy Italian accent, "[s]Is[/s] is a beetle. Named after its design, it's a mix of [s]a[/s] motorcycle, car, and jet [s]all in one[/s] [redundant]." Gideon inspected the machine. It stood like a motorcycle on [s]to[/s] two large balls for wheels, [no comma] but had a full body like a car. "It can comfortably fit 5." He said, patting [s]it, rubbing[/s] [or rubbing] the mechanical beast.
Numbers, please! You spelled out two, but used 5 later on. Let's keep the numbers consistent, okey-dokes?
"How does it fly?" Gideon asked, not seeing any wings [s]anywhere[/s]. The Italian laughed. He pulled on the door handle, climbed inside, pressed a button, and the back half of the roof opened up, two clear plastic-like wings unfolded, [no comma] the same way a beetle's would, [no comma] and flapped themselves experimentally. He pressed the button again, and they folded back up and tucked back to its original form.
Underlined: Huge run-on sentence. Rewrite that, pleases. ^_^
"It can't be too quiet, can it? How come I've never seen it out on the streets?" Gideon asked.
"Oh," the Italian said, sounding a little embarrassed. "She's still missing a few important parts." [s]Vinny said.[/s] [no quotations here on either side] "But don't you worry. I'll have her running by the end of the year, yes I will. [comma instead]" [s]He[/s] he said, talking more to the machine then to Gideon.
Between these two paragraphs, or in this general area, more description is needed, whether it be narration or dialogue filler. It's needed 'cause you jump from one spot to another. You rush, lol.
Cameron took him by the arm and led him out again. "This is the lounge. [comma instead]" Cameron said, opening another door, [no comma] and exposing a room full of couches and tables.
"This is Jack, O'Connell, and Terrence. Three of the best fighters on this side of the Atlantic. Each of them used to individually hunt down people like you and me, but were, fortunately, replaced by Nova units, [dash instead] that scorpion thing that tried to kill you. Once they lost their jobs, we drafted them, and they switched sides, [no comma] just like that. Never seen anyone as strongly devoted to the cause besides these three." This comment sent a chuckle through the men who were playing some sort of poker at a table. "The one over there reading the book, [no comma] is Doctor Harrison Foard. [s]AS[/s] As you can guess, he's our medical specialist." The man waved at Gideon, keeping his eyes tightly glued to the pages.
They left the lounge and after grabbing some food out of the kitchen, sat down in the quickbay.
"So, [s]" Gideon asked. "How[/s] how do you guys, [no comma] fight back [s]against them[/s]?" Gideon said, referring to the government.
I kinda wanna see the kitchen...
Cameron sat quietly, munching on her salad. "Well, that's the hard part. So far we haven't found a way to take someone out of the alternate reality, [period instead] [s]they[/s] They can only do that by [s]there[/s] their own free will, and they certainly would not want to. And the only person who's ever unplugged themselves is probably dead now, so-"
Cameron isn't sitting quietly if she's replying to Gideon.
"Why would they want to stay plugged in?" Gideon asked, toying with his food, completely focused on Cameron.
"Well, besides the fact the government has made the alternate realities perfect, they've convinced everyone who's plugged in that [s]their[/s] there is a war going on in the real world, and disease is killing everyone who's not plugged in. Don't see how they got that one to slide, but I guess if you're stupid enough to rot away in lala land, you'll believe anything."
Underlined: Run-on. Rephrase, even if it's in multiple sentences.
Also, watch your there's and their's and they're's.
There: In a place or location
Their: The possessive of they
They're: Contraction of they are.
"Who was this person [s]who[/s] that unplugged themselves?" Gideon asked.
Sounds better to me.
"She's not important. Her dad was part of the rebellion, [no comma] and told her he was escaping [s]sector[/s] Sector 33, and somehow, she heard him and got out of the program. We found him dead, though, on Westminster bridge, [no comma] with her nowhere to be found." Gideon's heart pounded. He had found [s]the same[/s] a man dead, [no comma] [s]the[/s] that same night, and he had found Ada as well. Was Ada who Cameron was talking about?
"Was her name Ada?" [s]He[/s] he asked, [no comma] as nonchalantly as he could manage.
'Cause that's not suspicious...
"Yes! Yes, it was! Why? [s]did[/s] Did you find her?" Cameron said, jumping out of her seat in hope.
"She's in [s]Room[/s] room 3200, floor 15, evelator B [s]In[/s] at St. Thomas' Hospital. I found her the other day and brought her in. [comma instead]" Gideon said
You're kidding. First off, I thought the girl wasn't important. Why is Cameron so interested? And why would Gideon be so gullible as to give such information to her? Even if she is the "good guy," she is still a stranger and he should still be cautious.
The hope drained out of Cameron's face. "The Government runs the hospital! She's not safe there, and if they get her to talk, neither are we!" She sounded [s]and[/s] an alarm. "Boys, we're going on a rescue mission!" [s]She[/s] she announced as the men poured out of the lounge along with Vinny. "Time to talk strategy. [comma instead]" she said, bringing a [s]3-d[/s] 3-D [or 3D] map of the hospital [s]up[/s] on the conference table. The men each [s]pulling[/s] pulled up a seat, [no comma] next to Gideon.
Description
You have it. You don't have it. I see both, and I know you can give more or take away. Your descriptions of anything are so quick that the reader gets no time to picture it in their mind. You rush them, and this is more than partly because of your adverbs.
You list the description. Like here:
He pulled on the door handle, climbed inside, pressed a button and the back half of the roof opened up, two clear plastic like wings unfolded, the same way a beetle's would, and flapped themselves experimentally.
You describe Vinny getting into the Beetle, but you list the description. Every single underlined part is a piece of description, whether it's describing the vehicle or the motions. It's description, and it's all crammed into one run-on sentence. Take your time. Expand on it. Make the reader feel like they're part of the story. I like sci-fi, but this kind of description makes it feel info-dumpy.
Paragraphing
You still have some monstrous paragraphs. Remember: New idea, new paragraph.
Character Development
This is the end of Chapter 1, right? So I should have some idea of who Gideon is. And I thought I did.
In the first part, he seemed like a brave soul who saved a girl's life. I was all for him! Then I find him with Cameron and he's.. no offense, but he's a disaster. He's not as tough as I thought he would be but a pushover who's led around like a dog on a leash. It was quite disappointing.
Make a biography of your character. Get to know your characters: their strengths, weaknesses, fears, personality, what they do under pressure, temper, appearance, etc. Every little detail about them is important in making your character realistic. Each character.
Pace
You're rushing. And it's hard to keep up. I explained under descriptions above, but slow it down a bit. Getting into the character's mind can help here. We, as the readers, want to know what Gideon is thinking. This helps not only with pace but with character development.
Dialogue
When you explain who Ada is or what the Rebellion is, you explain it in one block of text -- the Rebellion one especially. When Cameron speaks to Gideon, she says everything all at once; however, the MC [or Gideon] should ask questions to draw out the answers. OR you can pause between every few sentences and have Gideon think about what he's hearing, to organize his thoughts. This way not only Gideon is on track but the reader as well.
Dialogue goes along with character development. How old is Ada? When Gideon speaks with Ada, should she sound so mature? Or so young? Don't mix the two. Little Ada would cry for her daddy, have wide innocent eyes, etc. Big Girl Ada would be worried for her daddy and may even hide her emotions from Stranger Danger Gideon.
Why is Cameron the one to fetch Gideon? Why does she have to explain everything? How does she talk? Does she chop off the g's in -ing words? Does she use that military formal talk? Do any of the Rebellion talk with that military jargon?
Dialogue reflects character. ^_^
Tags
Watch your tags, first of all. I showed this to you in my crit on the first part, but they get commas and no capitalization.
"Mommy, we should get some ice cream," suggested the girl.
NOT
"Mommy, we should get some ice cream." Suggested the girl.
Keep an eye out for that.
Secondly, you don't always need tags.
"Mommy, we should get some ice cream," suggested the girl.
"Why is that?" the mother asked as she threw a pack of green beans into the cart.
" 'Cause we're out of ice cream!"
"We're out of ice cream? I wonder why..."
" 'Cause we ate it all!"
"We did? I don't remember having more than one bowl, though."
"Well, Daddy's a big man!"
The mother chuckled as she halted the cart and walked to the freezer. She returned with two tubs of ice cream: one vanilla and one chocolate.
Did you follow the characters? This was a bit long considering the lack of tags, but you can still tell which person said what as long as I introduced the order. The girl spoke first, then the mother, so the girl replies, etc. Or in one paragraph! Here:
"Mommy, we need to get some ice cream," the girl said. The mother cocked her brow in only slight disbelief. "It's all gone. We ate it all, so we must get more!" She ran off before her mother could respond and soon returned with a giant tub of chocolate ice cream. "Daddy's a big man, you know. He needs his food."
I only said said once in the entire paragraph.
Dashes
Well, this shows up in Microsoft Word, but if you type -- straight through as you type a sentence, it comes up as – which can be used when stating aside information, or information not as important in that sentence.
Speaking of Microsoft Word...
MS Word is great help when dealing with grammar and spelling. The red lines and the green lines that appear as you write. Do you have MS Word? 'Cause that will prove very helpful! If not... well, us reviewers aren't really your Spell Checkers. We shouldn't have to Spell Check unless you really don't know how to spell a word, but I saw typos in here?
You don't need MS Word to check typos. You just need to...
Edit
You finished your first draft. You finally finished it. Now you can post it on YWS!
Nnnnno.
You still need to read it yourself for any mistakes that you can find so that the reviewers can help you improve in the areas you need help in and not point out things that are so obvious to you. Read through the draft, make changes so it's easy to read, and post it. It sounds like a lot of work, but it's worth it.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
P.S. If you want me to crit the next chapter, can you PM me it? I don't know what the next chapter's called. ^^;
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