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Young Writers Society



Strangers in the fog part 4

by Runawaythoughts


Cameron and Gideon walked out into the long hallway. "Each of these rooms are home to at least one person in the rebellion. We empty their houses and place them in here. No matter the size, we make sure they feel at home." She said winking at Gideon.

After walking past many closed doors, Gideon found himself back in the quick bay. "I've already explained this room so let's go check in on Carlos." She said taking a right and opening another door. "Carlos!" She yelled out loud. "Come meet Gideon!" Give him a tour of your 'lair'." She said, obviously mocking him.

The room was painted pure white, technology scattered across the room. On every table was some sort of new invention, or some sort of machine being repaired. A small fat little man popped his head up from behind a desk covered with at lest thirteen or fourteen computers.

"Ay ya Ay!" The stout Hispanic exclaimed "You scared me Cameron!" He hopped out of his seat and waddled over to Gideon. Gideon was surprised at his height; if the man was any shorter he would probably be considered a 'midget'.

"My name is Carlos Cristobal." The little man said, extending a pudgy hand to him. "I'm this team’s brain. Everything here, I've built." He said, pulling his hand back before Gideon could shake it to motion towards the piles of junk in the room. "Did you see Cameron's bow last night?" He said running, which was more like scurrying, towards a container full of arrows. "These little babies are the first ever long ranged electronic weapons. Aren't they purdy?" He said, admiring his own handy work. Anything you ever need let me know I'll make it. Oh I have to show you-" He said, rudely interrupted by Cameron.

"Thanks Carlos, but we've gotta go." She said, leading Gideon out of the room.

"It was nice meeting you Carlos." Gideon said as he watched the little man, hop back into his chair in front of the computer screens.

"He doesn't act much older than he looks, but that immature little guy, is one of the smartest people alive. He used to work for the government, designed the reality machines himself, but ran off when he found out what they were going to be used for. Right now he's number one on the government's most wanted lists. That's why he hasn't left this building in five years, and most likely never will."

She lead him across the quickbay to another door. "This is Vinny. He's our mechanic around here. He's also one of the few people awake who know how to drive a beetle."

"A beetle?" Gideon asked Cameron as the door slid open. "What's a Beetle?"

"This my friend," boomed a loud voice, with a heavy Italian accent, "Is a beetle. Named after its design, its a mix of a motorcycle, car, and jet all in one." Gideon inspected the machine. It stood like a motorcycle on two large balls for wheels, but had a full body like a car. "It can comfortably fit 5." He said, patting it, rubbing the mechanical beast. It was a thing of beauty, Gideon had to admit. He could see himself in its midnight blue paint job, and couldn’t see anything through its tinted windows. He circled the vehicle, examining its windshield, and underbelly. It was a machine made for speed, and Gideon couldn’t wait to ride in it.

"How does it fly?" Gideon asked, not seeing any wings anywhere. The Italian laughed. He pulled on the door handle, and the door flipped open upwards. Vinny climbed inside, pressed a button on his control panel, and the back half of the roof opened up. Two clear plastic like wings unfolded, the same way a beetle's would, and flapped themselves experimentally. They looked almost as if they had been taken straight off an insect and super-sized. They had steel cables and wires running through them like veins, holding the wings structure. He pressed the button again and they folded back up and tucked back to its original form.

"It can't be too quiet can it? How come I've never seen it out on the streets?" Gideon asked.

"Oh," the Italian said, sounding a little embarrassed. "She's still missing a few important parts." Vinny said. "But don't you worry. I'll have her running by the end of the year, yes I will." He said, talking more to the machine then to Gideon.

“Shall we continue on?” Cameron asked. She had already noticed Gideon didn’t like being rushed.

He nodded and they left the garage through another door. He noticed everything here seemed to be top of the line. Each door was automatic and slid open silently.

"This is the lounge." Cameron said opening another door, exposing a room full of couches and tables.

"This is Jack, O'Connell, and Terrence. Three of the best fighters on this side of the Atlantic. Each of them used to individually hunt down people like you and me, but were, fortunately, replaced by Nova units, that scorpion thing that tried to kill you. Once they lost their jobs, we drafted them and they switched sides, just like that. Never seen anyone as strongly devoted to the cause besides these three." This comment sent a chuckle through the men who were playing some sort of poker at a table. "The one over there reading the book, is Doctor Harrison Foard. As you can guess he's our medical specialist." The man waved at Gideon, keeping his eyes tightly glued to the pages.

They left the lounge and grabbed some food out of the kitchen. Gideon was amazed at the kitchen. It was pure white, like most of the other rooms, but one wall was covered in different cooking equipment. There were bread bakers, meat roasters, old electric stove tops, ovens, microwaves, gammawaves, you name it they had it. There were four refrigerators lining another wall, making it look more like a giant mirror with a series of handles. A robot was mounted to the center of the room, its multiple arms working each of the machines preparing food. It moved so quickly, grabbing vegetables with one hand out of a fridge, choosing its cutting knife with the other, flipping pancakes in a pan, rotating the breads with another, stirring a soup with another hand, taking an assortment of meats off of the barbeque with a few hands, and cut them up into small piece with its final hand. It made Gideon and Cameron’s lunch all at once, never mixing up their orders. Within a minute their food was ready and they sat down in the quickbay.

"So," Gideon asked. "How do you guys, fight back against them?" Gideon said, referring to the government.

Cameron sat quietly, munching on her salad. "Well, that's the hard part. So far we haven't found a way to take someone out of the alternate reality, they can only do that by there own free will, and they certainly would not want to. And the only person who's ever unplugged themselves is probably dead now so-"

"Why would they want to stay plugged in?" Gideon asked toying with his food, completely focused on Cameron.

"Well, besides the fact the government has made the alternate realities perfect, they've convinced everyone who's plugged in that there is a war going on in the real world, and disease is killing everyone who's not plugged in. Don't see how they got that one to slide, but I guess if you stupid enough to rot away in lala land you'll believe anything."

"Who was this person who unplugged themselves?" Gideon asked.

"She's not important. Her dad was part of the rebellion, and told her he was escaping sector 33, and somehow she heard him and got out of the program. We found him dead though on Westminster bridge, with her nowhere to be found.

Gideon's heart pounded. He had found the same man dead, the same night, and he had found Ada as well. Was Ada who Cameron was talking about?

"What was her name?" He asked, as nonchalantly as he could manage.

“It doesn’t matter she’s dead now.”

“Was her name Ada?”

"Yes! Yes it was! Why did you find her?" Cameron said jumping out of her seat in hope.

"She's in Room 3200 floor 15 evelator B in St. Thomas' Hospital I found her the other day and brought her in." Gideon said.

The hope drained out of Cameron's face. "The Government runs the hospital! She's not safe there, and if they get her to talk neither are we!" She sounded and alarm. "Boys were going on a rescue mission!" She announced as the men poured out of the lounge along with Vinny. "Time to talk strategy." she said, bringing a 3-d map of the hospital up on the conference table. The men each pulling up a seat, next to Gideon.


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Sat Apr 19, 2008 1:05 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



I'm back! Expect a summary of my critiques at the end here! :D

Grammar

Cameron and Gideon walked out into the long hallway. "Each of these rooms are home to at least one person in the rebellion. We empty [s]there[/s] their houses and place them in here. No matter the size, we make sure they feel at home. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said winking at Gideon.


After walking past many closed doors, Gideon found himself back in the quick bay. "I've already explained this room, so let's go check in on Carlos. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, taking a right and opening another door. "Carlos!" [s]She[/s] she yelled [s]outloud[/s] [need a space anyway :P]. "Come meet Gideon!" [no quotations] Give him a tour of your 'lair'. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, obviously mocking him. The room was painted pure white, technology scattered across the room. On every table was some sort of new invention, [no comma] or [s]some sort of[/s] machine [s]being[/s] in need of repaired. A [s]small[/s] fat little man popped his head up from behind a desk covered with at [s]lest[/s] least thirteen or fourteen computers.


Small, little man is redundant. :P

"Ay ya Ay!" [s]The[/s] the stout Hispanic exclaimed. "You scared me Cameron!" He hopped out of his seat and waddled over to Gideon. Gideon was surprised at his height, [semi instead] if the man was any shorter, he would probably be considered a 'midget'.


Underlined: No quotes. Midget is an actual word, so let's not insult any midgets and trash the quotes, aye? :D

"My name is Carlos Cristobal. [comma instead]" [s]The[/s] the little man said, extending a pudgy hand to him. "I'm this team's brain. Everything here, I've built." He [s]said, pulling[/s] pulled his hand back before Gideon could shake it [s]to[/s] and motioned towards the piles of junk in the room. "Did you see Cameron's bow last night?" He [s]said running, which was more like scurrying,[s] ran, or scurried, towards a container full of arrows. "These little babies are the first ever long-ranged electronic weapons. Aren't they purdy?" [s]He[/s] he said, admiring his own handy work. "Anything you ever need, let me know; I'll make it. Oh, I have to show you-" [s]He said, rudely interrupted by Cameron.[/s]


"Thanks, Carlos, but we've gotta go. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, leading Gideon out of the room.


"It was nice meeting you Carlos. [comma instead]" Gideon said as he watched the little man, [no comma] [s]hope[/s] hop back into his chair in front of the computer screens.


"He doesn't act much older than he looks, but that immature little guy, [no comma] is one of the smartest people alive. He used to work for the government, [dash instead] designed the reality machines himself, [dash instead] but ran off when he found out what they [s]were going to[/s] would be used for. Right now he's number one on the government's most wanted lists. That's why he hasn't left this building in five years, [no comma] and most likely never will."


She [s]lead[/s] led him across the quickbay to another door. "This is Vinny. He's our mechanic around here. He's also one of the few people awake who knows how to drive a beetle."


Vinny's not even there, and she's introducing him? I, as the MC, would think she meant the Beetle itself. :shock:

"A beetle?" Gideon asked Cameron as the door slid open. "What's a Beetle. [question mark instead]"


"This, my friend," boomed a loud voice, [no comma] with a heavy Italian accent, "[s]Is[/s] is a beetle. Named after its design, it's a mix of [s]a[/s] motorcycle, car, and jet [s]all in one[/s] [redundant]." Gideon inspected the machine. It stood like a motorcycle on [s]to[/s] two large balls for wheels, [no comma] but had a full body like a car. "It can comfortably fit 5." He said, patting [s]it, rubbing[/s] [or rubbing] the mechanical beast.


Numbers, please! You spelled out two, but used 5 later on. Let's keep the numbers consistent, okey-dokes? :)

"How does it fly?" Gideon asked, not seeing any wings [s]anywhere[/s]. The Italian laughed. He pulled on the door handle, climbed inside, pressed a button, and the back half of the roof opened up, two clear plastic-like wings unfolded, [no comma] the same way a beetle's would, [no comma] and flapped themselves experimentally. He pressed the button again, and they folded back up and tucked back to its original form.


Underlined: Huge run-on sentence. Rewrite that, pleases. ^_^

"It can't be too quiet, can it? How come I've never seen it out on the streets?" Gideon asked.


"Oh," the Italian said, sounding a little embarrassed. "She's still missing a few important parts." [s]Vinny said.[/s] [no quotations here on either side] "But don't you worry. I'll have her running by the end of the year, yes I will. [comma instead]" [s]He[/s] he said, talking more to the machine then to Gideon.


Between these two paragraphs, or in this general area, more description is needed, whether it be narration or dialogue filler. It's needed 'cause you jump from one spot to another. You rush, lol.

Cameron took him by the arm and led him out again. "This is the lounge. [comma instead]" Cameron said, opening another door, [no comma] and exposing a room full of couches and tables.


"This is Jack, O'Connell, and Terrence. Three of the best fighters on this side of the Atlantic. Each of them used to individually hunt down people like you and me, but were, fortunately, replaced by Nova units, [dash instead] that scorpion thing that tried to kill you. Once they lost their jobs, we drafted them, and they switched sides, [no comma] just like that. Never seen anyone as strongly devoted to the cause besides these three." This comment sent a chuckle through the men who were playing some sort of poker at a table. "The one over there reading the book, [no comma] is Doctor Harrison Foard. [s]AS[/s] As you can guess, he's our medical specialist." The man waved at Gideon, keeping his eyes tightly glued to the pages.


They left the lounge and after grabbing some food out of the kitchen, sat down in the quickbay.
"So, [s]" Gideon asked. "How[/s] how do you guys, [no comma] fight back [s]against them[/s]?" Gideon said, referring to the government.


I kinda wanna see the kitchen...

Cameron sat quietly, munching on her salad. "Well, that's the hard part. So far we haven't found a way to take someone out of the alternate reality, [period instead] [s]they[/s] They can only do that by [s]there[/s] their own free will, and they certainly would not want to. And the only person who's ever unplugged themselves is probably dead now, so-"


Cameron isn't sitting quietly if she's replying to Gideon. :wink:

"Why would they want to stay plugged in?" Gideon asked, toying with his food, completely focused on Cameron.


"Well, besides the fact the government has made the alternate realities perfect, they've convinced everyone who's plugged in that [s]their[/s] there is a war going on in the real world, and disease is killing everyone who's not plugged in. Don't see how they got that one to slide, but I guess if you're stupid enough to rot away in lala land, you'll believe anything."


Underlined: Run-on. Rephrase, even if it's in multiple sentences. :)

Also, watch your there's and their's and they're's.

There: In a place or location

Their: The possessive of they

They're: Contraction of they are.

"Who was this person [s]who[/s] that unplugged themselves?" Gideon asked.


Sounds better to me.

"She's not important. Her dad was part of the rebellion, [no comma] and told her he was escaping [s]sector[/s] Sector 33, and somehow, she heard him and got out of the program. We found him dead, though, on Westminster bridge, [no comma] with her nowhere to be found." Gideon's heart pounded. He had found [s]the same[/s] a man dead, [no comma] [s]the[/s] that same night, and he had found Ada as well. Was Ada who Cameron was talking about?


"Was her name Ada?" [s]He[/s] he asked, [no comma] as nonchalantly as he could manage.


'Cause that's not suspicious...

"Yes! Yes, it was! Why? [s]did[/s] Did you find her?" Cameron said, jumping out of her seat in hope.


"She's in [s]Room[/s] room 3200, floor 15, evelator B [s]In[/s] at St. Thomas' Hospital. I found her the other day and brought her in. [comma instead]" Gideon said


You're kidding. First off, I thought the girl wasn't important. Why is Cameron so interested? And why would Gideon be so gullible as to give such information to her? Even if she is the "good guy," she is still a stranger and he should still be cautious.

The hope drained out of Cameron's face. "The Government runs the hospital! She's not safe there, and if they get her to talk, neither are we!" She sounded [s]and[/s] an alarm. "Boys, we're going on a rescue mission!" [s]She[/s] she announced as the men poured out of the lounge along with Vinny. "Time to talk strategy. [comma instead]" she said, bringing a [s]3-d[/s] 3-D [or 3D] map of the hospital [s]up[/s] on the conference table. The men each [s]pulling[/s] pulled up a seat, [no comma] next to Gideon.


Description

You have it. You don't have it. I see both, and I know you can give more or take away. Your descriptions of anything are so quick that the reader gets no time to picture it in their mind. You rush them, and this is more than partly because of your adverbs.

You list the description. Like here:

He pulled on the door handle, climbed inside, pressed a button and the back half of the roof opened up, two clear plastic like wings unfolded, the same way a beetle's would, and flapped themselves experimentally.


You describe Vinny getting into the Beetle, but you list the description. Every single underlined part is a piece of description, whether it's describing the vehicle or the motions. It's description, and it's all crammed into one run-on sentence. Take your time. Expand on it. Make the reader feel like they're part of the story. I like sci-fi, but this kind of description makes it feel info-dumpy.

Paragraphing

You still have some monstrous paragraphs. Remember: New idea, new paragraph.

Character Development

This is the end of Chapter 1, right? So I should have some idea of who Gideon is. And I thought I did.

In the first part, he seemed like a brave soul who saved a girl's life. I was all for him! Then I find him with Cameron and he's.. no offense, but he's a disaster. He's not as tough as I thought he would be but a pushover who's led around like a dog on a leash. It was quite disappointing.

Make a biography of your character. Get to know your characters: their strengths, weaknesses, fears, personality, what they do under pressure, temper, appearance, etc. Every little detail about them is important in making your character realistic. Each character.

Pace

You're rushing. And it's hard to keep up. I explained under descriptions above, but slow it down a bit. Getting into the character's mind can help here. We, as the readers, want to know what Gideon is thinking. This helps not only with pace but with character development.

Dialogue

When you explain who Ada is or what the Rebellion is, you explain it in one block of text -- the Rebellion one especially. When Cameron speaks to Gideon, she says everything all at once; however, the MC [or Gideon] should ask questions to draw out the answers. OR you can pause between every few sentences and have Gideon think about what he's hearing, to organize his thoughts. This way not only Gideon is on track but the reader as well.

Dialogue goes along with character development. How old is Ada? When Gideon speaks with Ada, should she sound so mature? Or so young? Don't mix the two. Little Ada would cry for her daddy, have wide innocent eyes, etc. Big Girl Ada would be worried for her daddy and may even hide her emotions from Stranger Danger Gideon.

Why is Cameron the one to fetch Gideon? Why does she have to explain everything? How does she talk? Does she chop off the g's in -ing words? Does she use that military formal talk? Do any of the Rebellion talk with that military jargon?

Dialogue reflects character. ^_^

Tags

Watch your tags, first of all. I showed this to you in my crit on the first part, but they get commas and no capitalization.

"Mommy, we should get some ice cream," suggested the girl.

NOT

"Mommy, we should get some ice cream." Suggested the girl.

Keep an eye out for that.

Secondly, you don't always need tags.

"Mommy, we should get some ice cream," suggested the girl.

"Why is that?" the mother asked as she threw a pack of green beans into the cart.

" 'Cause we're out of ice cream!"

"We're out of ice cream? I wonder why..."

" 'Cause we ate it all!"

"We did? I don't remember having more than one bowl, though."

"Well, Daddy's a big man!"

The mother chuckled as she halted the cart and walked to the freezer. She returned with two tubs of ice cream: one vanilla and one chocolate.


Did you follow the characters? This was a bit long considering the lack of tags, but you can still tell which person said what as long as I introduced the order. The girl spoke first, then the mother, so the girl replies, etc. Or in one paragraph! Here:

"Mommy, we need to get some ice cream," the girl said. The mother cocked her brow in only slight disbelief. "It's all gone. We ate it all, so we must get more!" She ran off before her mother could respond and soon returned with a giant tub of chocolate ice cream. "Daddy's a big man, you know. He needs his food."

I only said said once in the entire paragraph. :)

Dashes

Well, this shows up in Microsoft Word, but if you type -- straight through as you type a sentence, it comes up as – which can be used when stating aside information, or information not as important in that sentence.

Speaking of Microsoft Word...

MS Word is great help when dealing with grammar and spelling. The red lines and the green lines that appear as you write. Do you have MS Word? 'Cause that will prove very helpful! If not... well, us reviewers aren't really your Spell Checkers. We shouldn't have to Spell Check unless you really don't know how to spell a word, but I saw typos in here?

You don't need MS Word to check typos. You just need to...

Edit

You finished your first draft. You finally finished it. Now you can post it on YWS!

Nnnnno. :D

You still need to read it yourself for any mistakes that you can find so that the reviewers can help you improve in the areas you need help in and not point out things that are so obvious to you. Read through the draft, make changes so it's easy to read, and post it. It sounds like a lot of work, but it's worth it. :)

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

P.S. If you want me to crit the next chapter, can you PM me it? I don't know what the next chapter's called. ^^;




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Tue Apr 01, 2008 12:03 am
tRiCk wrote a review...



This isn't a review for just this piece. I just wanted to say that their are a lot of Sector 33 stories listed by you and maybe you should write which chapter or part they are so viewers can follow along.



It will help a lot,




Trick-----> :smt023





I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe