Kelsey's head smacked against the glass as the plane lurched in sudden turbulence. "What the...?!" exclaimed Gary from across the aisle.
The pilot's voice crackled over the speakers. "Ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencing a weather event. Please return to your seats and ensure your seat belts are securely fas..."
The plane lurched again. Sarah screamed. Gary reached for her, pulling her tight against him. "It's all right, love," he crooned. "It's all right."
Kelsey stared out the window. All she could see was mist. Her forehead throbbed where it had hit the glass, but she could feel the pressure building. Her ears began to pop. She clutched the armrest of the empty seat beside her. Across the aisle, Sarah was blubbering, "I love you so much. I don't want to die."
Kelsey's stomach jumped into her throat as the plane dropped. Outside, the mist cleared abruptly, revealing a solid black wall. It was a mountain.
* * * * *
Heat. Enormous, enveloping heat. The air was burning. Someone was crying. No - that was her, Kelsey. She was crying. She opened her mouth to scream but no breath came out.
Arms around her. Arms that pulled her, dragging her across the ground. From her torso, a blinding wave of pain. She blacked out.
When she woke, the sky was swaying. Mountains all around her, their peaks encased in snow. She shivered now. A face bent over her. Something warm - a blanket - covered her chest.
Carried, she thought. I am being carried. The world felt fuzzy. Far away, she saw a golden building on a hill. Then... nothing.
* * * * *
When next she awoke, she was in a small, hard bed. Heavy blankets covered her body up to her chin. When she tried to pull them down she felt a jab of pain.
"Oh, Kelly, you're awake!" Sarah's face peered over her. "We were so worried.
Kelsey blinked slowly. "Where... where am I?"
"Yosapur." Sarah smiled. "That's what they call the village. I'm just glad you're okay, Kelly!"
"Kelsey."
"Oh, sorry," said Sarah. "I guess we didn't really talk much, before..." Her eyes filled with tears.
"The... the plane. It crashed?"
"Yes," Sarah sobbed. "Oh, Kelsey, they're all dead! The professor, the chaperones, everyone! We three are the only survivors."
Kelsey remembered dimly the sandy-haired boy in the seat beside Sarah. "Gary...?"
"Yes, he's all right." Sarah sniffed and rubbed her eyes. "Thank God. He pulled you out. You're very lucky, you know. Only bruises and some broken ribs. Your whole side of the plane was crushed in."
Terrible images swirled in Kelsey's brain. "How did they..."
"I should let you rest," Sarah interrupted. "Otherwise the Lama will be angry." She backed away, out of Kelsey's sight. "Sleep well!"
"The Lama...?" murmured Kelsey. But Sarah had already gone.
Kelsey raised her head slightly, careful not to jar her injured ribs, and glanced around the room. It had bare, yellowing walls and not much for furniture. Beside her bed, though, was a little wooden table, upon which was a glass of water and a charred heap of fabric.
It was her backpack - or what was left of it. Someone must have found it in the wreckage and brought it here. Kelsey reached for it, wincing as she extended her arm, and looked inside.
Her notebook was badly burned. She could recognize a just few words amidst the smudges: "Excited!" "...wanderer..." "Lonely." "I will find..." This last bit was cut off, since a corner and two full edges of the notebook had burned away.
The glossy Far Horizons pamphlet had survived intact. Photos of smiling teenagers and old-world monuments beamed up at Kelsey, oblivious to their discoloring layer of ash. "Explore your world!" urged one page. "China, India, Tibet..."
Suddenly Kelsey was conscious of someone standing over her, silently watching her read. She suppressed a startled scream. The man smiled at her.
"Welcome, Kelsey." He wore the red robes of a Buddhist monk, but his accent was British. "Your friend informed me that you had awoken. I am Tashi Lama."
"This is... this is Tibet?" The plane had been closer to landing than she had thought.
He barked a laugh. "Goodness, no. We are our own free, autonomous state. We are Gedhun."
Kelsey's mind turned over the unfamiliar word. "Where..."
"You will not find us on any map." He waved a hand dismissively. "Have you eaten?"
"No."
Tashi Lama stepped out the door, which Kelsey had never seen him enter, and clapped his hands, saying something in a foreign tongue. Hurried footsteps approached and someone handed him a tray, which he brought in to Kelsey.
She hadn't thought of it until now, but she was famished. She bit greedily into the bread that he offered. It was warm with a slight taste of honey. As she ate, she studied Tashi Lama. He was a young man, possibly in his twenties, with close-shaved black hair and light skin. Kelsey swallowed a mouthful. "Have you..." she began.
"My mother may have been Caucasian," he said sharply, "but I assure you, my soul is firmly of the East."
Kelsey blinked, taken aback. That hadn't been what she was going to ask. "Have you contacted my parents?"
Tashi's smile returned as smooth as butter. "In due time," he said. "We in Gedhun are not as, ah, connected as you are used to. But we have our charms. I will show you our city, when you are well."
* * * * *
TO BE CONTINUED
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Suggestion: take out sudden from the first line. It could work without it. Not a big deal though.
(*q)The plane lurched again. Sarah screamed. Gary reached for her, pulling her tight against him. "It's all right, love," he crooned. "It's all right."(q*)
I don't lurch works in this sentence, what about jolt?
-The plan jolted. Sarah screamed.
Then gary reached for her. I think reach is a weak verb here. She screams after all, it needs to be stronger to match the intensity of the scene. What about clutch?
-Gary clutched her, and pulled her tightly against him.
You simple tags. You said, he crooned. For people who don't have a great vocabulary like myself. I had to look this word up. I didn't know exactly what it meant. I pictured it like it came out sounding wimpy. It actually means this, Croon: hum or sing softly. Imagine that he's singing to his wife/girlfriend. "It's all right, love" A little weird when you imagine it exactly.
They say just to use the simple tags, because it doesn't pop out of the page. The reader doesn't notice it. And often imagine for themselves what it sounds like.
"It's all right, love," he said. "It's all right."
You end it well though. And you aren't fancy about it. You just state it. It was a mountain. Good. At this point I'm like, well they're screwed. So I liked that.
Then you do this.
(*q)Heat. Enormous, enveloping heat.(q*) Instead of starting it with, the air was burning. a much more powerful statement. The only thing I'll say about this paragraph and in general you should know was is a weak verb. Try not to use it that much. Use it you must but just avoid it when you can.
(*q)You're very lucky, you know. Only bruises and some broken ribs.(q*) You don't need this line. You can use it later when she's a little more stable. And don't tell her she's lucky, she just survived a plane crash. (we'll get to that) You can and should use, (*q)your whole side of the plane was crushed in.(q*) That really says she was lucky better than words.
Sarah leaves in that scene because she wants her to rest. Realistic to a point but seeing someone you care about on that bed, you don't want to leave their side or you don't want to see them because its awful and you can't handle it. So if she's there and its not too bad get the doctor or whomever that worked on the main character to interrupt Sarah, and he forces her to leave. You should make the doctor come in as Sarah finishes telling the main character that gary is alive. And leave her with that. Just that fact. He's alive and she knows nothing else. Keep the suspense of the aftermath for the reader. The reader is desperate to know these things. Don't give it to them all at once. Let them wait a little. So they have something to look forward to.
Now about the dialogue. It could use some tweaking. Maybe you're not comfortable with it, maybe you are. It doesn't feel exactly right, and I can't point to a specific instance because its each time someone has dialogue. Like, I can imagine someone saying it, but it doesn't feel genuine. Like something someone would actually piece together and say. It might sound like I'm saying your dialogue is a disaster. But I'm not it only feels a little strange to ME. Hopefully someone else can add if they liked it or not. I would especially look at some of the dialogue in Sarah's scene.
Last thing. The plane crash. And the survivors. I think generally you got the feeling, and the aftermath right. It's rough and you probably won't remember most of it, so it's good. The survivors on the other hand. That's a little unrealistic. It's convenient that there are only 3 survivors and that only the one's we know survived. Everybody else died. I hate to use this example but that's like a family going into a deathcamp and the whole family lives. If you look at Anne Frank, it was only her father that lived. Out of all them! Maybe add an extra person they're with that dies. (I would stay away from red shirts though.) Or have one tragedy. Or have some others who have lived also. Like 11 people alive seems a little more realistic. Instead of only 3 and only the people we know.
It was intense and I liked it.
I'm about to ride a plane myself, and it has a stop! So I have to do the horrible taking off and landing part 2x. I hate flying. And I'll be thinking about your story on my flight. Your story scared me, mission accomplished.
Hi!
)
Let me just say that this story was really, really good. I loved it! It was very well-written, and I liked how you handled your words with care. I saw no errors, no grammatical mistakes, which means that no nitpicks will be brought up.
The story was fast-paced, and I really liked your topic. Hmm. Airplane crashing. Gedhun. Buddhist monk. I have never thought of that. I will definitely give you an A plus for creativity and for original material. (Finally! exclaimed my conscience. Something original) I am very excited for Part 2. Please notify me when it is published. I can't wait!
P.S--I saw that you just recently joined YWS, so welcome. I would love to be writing buddies with you. Let me know what you think. (If you do agree, let me warn you in advance: I may be very hyper-ish and....what's the word....energetic...wait, no.....crazy....when it comes to writing and stuff like that------Don't say I didn't warn you......but I can be perfectly normal....just....sometimes I may overstep my bounds
Farewell!!!
Heya, Chrissy here for a review!
Okay, this is really good. I'm going to run through and see what I can find, but I don't believe there will be much. Oh, and are you going to be writing more on this? If you are, please let me know with a PM or something. I really want to follow this.
The part when the pilot starts talking. I noticed a slight hole. What about the seat-belt sign? Wouldn't he turn it on, and then reach for the intercom?
This sentence is too long for what is going on. You are in the middle of a highly intense moment. Anything too long distract the reader, slowing everything down. Just say "a mountain", and we'll know what you mean.
What shape and size is the bread? Since this is foreign, we need to know. Is is a loaf? Maybe a bun? Light golden, seeds sprinkled across the top?
Well, I'm assuming that the Lama dude is the evil one! Sounds cool! I'm sorry that my review isn't longer, but the work isn't very long, and there really wasn't much I could say.
KEEP WRITING!