Author's Note
This is my first novel that's made it past ten chapters so please be gentle but at the same time feel free to critique anything and everything. I am currently on chapter thirty two and I have the plot decided and developed for the most part, but I'm open to major changes. One thing I am really trying to avoid is having this be like the Twilight series so please let me know if you catch similarities so i can fix, erm, I mean change them. No offense to Twilight, but I'm not going for quite the same appeal 
, though I do like the series. Also, I was inspired by many vampire authors including Stoker, Rice, Pike, and others, so if you notice major similarities to that please let me know as well. My intent is not to copycat but sometimes the ideas work into my subconscious. I will be posting these chapters at their full length, so far as I know, and for this site that is quite long, I suppose, but in real novels my chapters are still on the short side (10-15) pages. If you feel you cannot handle that then I suppose I'll have to do without your advice, though I really would love it.
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Alex sat in the church pew, fingering his cross in the darkness. It was always dark now. He only woke at night, his body switching instantly to a new time table, but he could see as though it were day. The metal singed his skin, stirring his dark blood into frenzy. Seared flesh perfumed the air, but still he wore it. If even the slightest chance remained that he could change- if he could go back, it would be through God's grace.
Alex sighed and his breath stirred billions of tiny dust particles into the air. He looked up at the wooden carving of a crucified Jesus through eyes the color of cold water. Every grain of wood was painfully clear. Jesus suffered, but in the end he found release. Alex was still a son of God, though it seemed that he was forsaken. He had done nothing to deserve this. What could he have done is his short and secluded life?
He moved like a shadow to the stained glass windows, where he ran his fingers along the brilliant colors and spider-web crisscross of metal. Everything he touched seemed to take on new textures. This was smooth and cold. He felt a slight give in the glass, feeling the change in thickness as it dripped down over time.
His senses would only get stronger, he knew. She had informed him of that before he'd managed to get away. Perhaps he should have stayed; he knew nothing of this new life. It would have been easy to remain there, another in her collection. He might have forgotten his old life and former morals, his soul burnt up in the heat of her demon gaze. He could have become a ghost; it wouldn't have been so different from what he was now.
The easiest thing to do would be to end it. He ought to grab a stake and plunge it through his heart. But would that really work? He wasn't sure he could do it if it would only cause him pain. Alex could feel pain, though healed at a horrific rate. In fact, things hurt more now than they had when he was human. The loss of blood hit harder because he could not make more of his own.
Alex inspected his wrist. It was easy to see the black blood flowing through his veins because his skin was frighteningly pale. He was not monstrous to look at, despite this. His features had become even more refined in his new form, beautiful and chiseled like a statue. Only in strong light did he look ghoulish, like the partially dead thing he was. His heartbeat had slowed to about one beat a minute and each beat felt incredibly hard, he could feel it in his fingertips and hear it. Why anyone would want this, even in exchange for all of the things she had promised, was beyond Alex.
The devil must have laughed at him, sitting on his throne of souls. Alex felt icy tears slide down his cheek. He would sell his own soul to be human again, if only he had one. It seemed so unjust to him; he had never signed the devil's book. His father had told him often that he was from hell; he’d been lectured on his own evils every day. Heaven and hell were all he knew, though he was much more familiar with the later.
Picking up a copy of the Bible from his pew, he flipped its pages. He felt an immediate sense of wrongness when he held the holy book and was horrified to think that even the scripture was shunning him. It didn’t hurt him, exactly, though he knew somehow that it wanted to. Was he so hopeless?
"What must I do to end this curse?" he asked the bible, and the pages settled. Alex winced as the sharp paper cut his finger. The scent of what now ran through his veins was not the coppery tang that humans had. This new smell was not unpleasant, it was more akin to something sweet. He was faintly intoxicated by it. Alex restrained himself from licking the stuff away, instead watching it dry on his finger. He was mystified by how he'd even obtained the wound. A book as old as this one should have been soft and worn. His dark blood pooled on the white pages, growing to a far greater size than the cut could have produced. Alex thought the book seemed to drink his blood in and though it was impossible, savor it. It was slowly fading from the page.
The page he had stopped on was covered in a dark and beautiful script, which seemed to whisper to Alex's mind. He had a feeling there was something important on the other pages but he dared not turn back. Every letter was foreign and left him with a sharp and bitter taste in his mouth when he looked at it. On the next page was a painting that glowed in the darkness. A man sat, glaring on a seat composed of bodies. Black blood oozed from beneath the structure and blue flames danced around him. Alex felt for a moment like he was there, smelling the thick scent of rot and sorrow. Suddenly, the picture smiled at him, eyes mocking Alex's pain. Despite it's unusual behavior, he couldn't look away. He must have been hallucinating from the stress. A barely discernable sourness filled the air.
"To end this curse you must accept it," the man said in a voice darker than any Alex had ever heard. It was a very strong voice, the kind that commanded obedience. Alex was briefly reminded of his father, Duncan, and he shivered with distaste.
"Pictures can't speak," he reassured himself. It was clear that insanity now flowed within him alongside the evil. It made sense; he'd always thought that she had been a little off when she made him.
A crown of eyeballs sat on the man's head and Alex watched as they blinked at him. Eyes- the windows to the soul. If only he could see the man’s face, he thought he could come back to reality. It was as if the man was deliberately keeping him in the dark, but why?
"Pictures can’t talk and vampires don't exist," the creature laughed. Alex slammed the book shut and threw it away. It hit the wall of the church and closed with a puff of dust. The cloud flashed briefly as the form of the man’s laughing face, with fangs practically dripping from his mouth.
This place was wrong. There had been a great evil here and it lingered oppressively. The tingle of magic moved along his skin like tiny spiders and though he would have liked to run, he felt paralyzed for a moment. It was as though another force was prying wide his being and wrapping its coils around him. Slimy dark fingers encasing his soul.
"No!" Alex shouted. He was freed suddenly and his fingers raced through his wild, dark hair. He knew what he’d just done. The devil's book was signed in blood, and his blood had been spilled. It was not the bible he’d been reading.
It was too late for remorse; already poison spread through his veins. Whatever she’d made him before was far less malignant than what he would soon become. Alex screamed in agony as he tried to keep the presence out, but it ripped through him like tissue paper.
He ran to the altar, tripping over missing floorboards. Collapsing at the base of the table, he crawled back to his knees to utter one last prayer before his soul was blackened beyond repair. There was a difference, he now knew, between one touched by the devil and one filled with him. There was a hand on his soul, like puppet master. Its presence was suffocating, torturous and made him feel as helpless as a rat in a maze. He was losing control of his own limbs.
A chalice of holy water sat on the alter. All water should have evaporated from the church long ago and Alex's first thought was that the water was another trick. There was nothing left to lose, though, and there was everything and anything to gain. Precious seconds ticked by before Alex grabbed the glittering chalice with tormented hands. His skin was contorting, trying to rid itself of this new infection.
The silvery liquid dribbled down his chin in his haste to drink it. It was not truly water, as he’d suspected, but held no trace of impurity as far as Alex could tell. It spread through him in a cool, calming wave. The darkness in his blood revolted as light enveloped it. In time, Alex's body settled into itself, no longer convulsing. The burning in him was soothed and he came back to himself. The two presences seemed to be fighting bitterly, but the result was relieving the pain from him.
In the same way that a flashlight can shine into a dark room and leave shadows, the water chased most of the evil away but some still clung to Alex. Two hands were on his soul, one pure and one evil, struggling for control. He had not been cured, at least not completely. Alex understood that God would not save him completely; he had to find a way to save himself.
The room spun as he stood and he found there was something wrong with his eyes. It felt as though the very shape of his eyeball was changing and his vision sharpened still further. He stumbled to a mirror and recoiled at the sight of his pupils, which had become catlike. Demon, he thought.
"So much more," someone laughed from deep within him. He was terrified to find he could feel the creature's mirth as his own. He was smirking along, as though they shared in the joke. He wanted to kill someone, the bloodlust rising in him with renewed vigor. His fingers dug into the wall, crumbling away the stone as easily as sand. Alex knew what his first stop had to be. He was a hand of God now, or a hand of the devil. He was sure, either way, what he was about to do would please someone.
"Yes, let's go. Kill him now. He would have done the same to you,” the voice urged. He felt a rise of excitement in his chest, tasting copper in his mouth. Something further back was disagreeing. “It’s not important. Leave it,” said a voice like wind chimes, but he pushed it aside and rushed through the night to a setting that was all too familiar.
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hmm, well, I'm not exactly a master of prose myself, but some of the sentences here felt a bit...awkward. The most notable one to me is "seared flesh perfumed the air, but still he wore it". The way you've written that sentence doesn't make it entirely clear at first that it's referring to the cross. It might be better to say something like, "Although the cross burned his skin and caused the scent of seared flesh to perfume the air, he still wore it". Or something along those lines. Since I don't claim to be a master of prose myself.
I love this description; it's beautiful.
I don't know what, but something about that paragaph just felt a little...clinical. It's technically sound, yes, but doesn't convey much in the way of emotion. A paragraph like that should be charged with emotion, but I'm just not...feeling it. But I can't pin down what exactly needs improvement. >_>
Might I saw that I LOVE this bit of description? You have a wonderful knack for describing surroundings and things in a highly sensual language...total contrast of me who absolutely can't. I love it--this is what I believe literary teachers call "imagery".
Perhaps this is just my personal preferences acting up, but I think that the sentence would sound stronger if you amended the last part to "this he knew".
Personal prefs again, but I feel that the "she" should be italicized for emphasis. Whoever "she" is, she seems important. It feels a bit sudden to have a sudden "she" who the readers don't know pop up, without any distinguishing sign of specialness. But that's just me.
I like how you're alluding to Alex's backstory without giving it away--it draws the reader in and makes them want to know more. Again, though, I feel the "she" and "her" and so on she be italicized.
You know the clinical-ism I was referring to earlier? This sentence unfortunately personifies it. It's technically sound but ought to flow better, particuarly in light of the exceptionally vivid and sensual description after it. Perhaps something like "Alex turned his arm over, dully scanning his pallid wrist" or something like that, only better-worded. Because I suck at prose.
Beautiful, just...a breathtakingly beautiful sentence. One quibble I have is perhaps you should make it an appositive; "The devil, sitting on his throne of souls, must have laughed at him". That makes it more clear that the one on the throne of souls is the devil, not Alex.
Wow...I can see you're striving for emotion here, but again, this is a sentence that just feels...clincal. Don't just describe what happens to Alex--describe what he's feeling. Honestly, I'm not feeling very sympathetic to Alex right now, which probably makes me a terrible person, but so far I haven't been let in enough on his thought processes to really care for him as a person yet. And this is just a personal preference, but I don't much like romanticized descriptions of crying. That's just me, though, so feel free to ignore me.
Eurgh...terribly sorry, but Alex is coming across as almost a bit...emo...to me. I know he must have a reason for feeling the way he does and probably has a very unhappy backstory, but all the same...saying something like that is just a tad overblown, and almost tacky.
Also, "Bible" should be capitalized.
Excise the had, and the "which" should be replaced by "that" and there should be no comma. And I don't know why I'm being so picky here...
You should probably describe what the letters look like--that would add to the vividness of the imagery. Are they curved and elegant and flowing, or hard and dark and solemn, or quickly scratched and angry looking?
You also have a few unnecessary words in there (don't worry, I too am a writer who must learn to trim down my prose)...and the usage of the verb "looked" feels a bit flat, particularly after your strong description of the effect the letters have on Alex.
Interesting dangle of information here--now the reader wants to know just what kind of relationship Alex has/had with his father, and they now know at least it probably wasn't a good one. A few little nitpicks are that the "very" is unneccessary and serves to weaken your rpose, and the "with" before distate should probably be replaced with an "in".
Again, it'd be probably be better if the "she" was italicized.
The "laughed" should be "said with a laugh".
Very vivid description, I like it. It could probably be strengthened by italicizing the "wrong" (sorry...I have this odd fondness for italics). The last sentence also appears to be a fragment.
Maybe change the "already poison spread through his veins" to an "already poison was spreading through his veins"--that makes it seem more like an immediate process happening right now, which I think is the point you want to convey. Otherwise, very vivid details--I can really see what's happening to poor Alex.
I have nothing really to critique here--I just wanted to say, beautiful description. Absolutely lovely. You delved both into what's physical going on (the missing floorboards) and what's happening within Alex. I particularly love the sentence about the difference between being touched by the devil and being filled with him, as well as the puppet master simile. I gotta wonder, though, shouldn't "devil" be with a capital "D"?
It'd be "altAr", not "altEr". Like Dr. Gaius Baltar. And I have no idea why I said that because I don't really even like Battlestar Galactica that much.
Why should all the water have evaporated? Maybe you should elaborate on that.
Nice description here...and I wish I could use words to describe as well as you, because I honestly don't know what I love so much about this scene. It does have action, and I do like that and you described it well, but honestly what I think really makes this scene for me is the depiction of the struggle between the evil that has invaded Alex and Alex's own good nature. My only real critique here is a quibble--I think it'd be better if the "as far as Alex could tell" part was added to the front of that clause (i.e. "but as far as Alex coudl tell, it held no trace of impurity").
Very nice, I love the metaphor of the struggling hands as well as the religious allusion.
I like the description of the change in Alex's vision, but feel that this sentence would be stronger reading as "...which had become catlike--almost demonic." Using fewer words to say the same point is the way you always want to go (which means I should be shot for being a flaming hypocrite...)
"
I have really nothing to say to this, only I just LOVE this paragraph, and in fact, all of the scenes of Alex's metamorphosis and the struggle that's going through him as it happens. I just feel it's beautifully done. The odd thing is is that I can't pin down exactly what I like about it, but I do like it. And now I'm not sure sure what "it" is.
Um...who is exactly is the "he" the voice is referring to? Also, I feel like the "he" should be italicized, but again, that's more like just my personal preference.
I like your simile comparing the voice to wind chimes, I've never thought about a voice that way but it does work quite well. However, I felt the ending was a tad...abrupt. Is that really all there is? (or did I not copy the whole thing?) It just seems so sudden, particularly after all that build-up...
All in all, this seems like a very interesting idea--I'm not well-versed in vampire lore, but to me at hte very least it seems original enough. In particular, I'm liking the whole religious angle on it; that's not something you see everyday. Alex's beliefs about his impurity and so on seem almost Puritanical in nature, and indeed the Puritan worldview, with its heavy emphasis on sin and punishment and constant redemption, intrigues me greatly, so you've already got my interest there.
I also like how you've added an additional layer to the whole vampire idea, by involving the Devil. Now Alex is more than just a vampire--he's been possesed by the Devil, correct? (or am I being an idiot and interpreting this completely wrong?) That's certainly a different idea, although it does kind of make it less of a pure vampire story (which, mind you, isn't a bad thing--vampire stories nowadays are so overdone it's probably better to involve a different kind of supernatural force, in this case, the Devil). I also love the religious imagery and tone to this work--it lends it a certainly more solemn and dignified air than the usual romantic tone of vampire novels.
Now...for the things I didn't like...quite simply, at times your prose just feels clinical. You have good ideas, but the way you write them sometimes makes them just feel flat, forced, and unnatural. Rather than just stating what's happening, try to let us feel what's happening. Let us into Alex's head (like you did in the final scene--I have really very few complaints there. It was beautifully done) and let us really feel what he's feeling. When he cries, make sure we can feel his grief--it certainly would make Alex come across as less emo and at worst, almost silly. Your last scene was excellently done--it was atmospheric, tense, descriptive, beautiful, psychological, and so much more. Make sure that the rest of your writing is at least that same level, because I can SEE that you can do so much better than you were doing in the earlier scenes. Your prose is technically sound, but be sure to make it more emotional and lively as well, as you were doing in the final scenes.
I like what you have so far. There are a few grammar mistakes but they have been addressed already so I won't go back over them. I agree that it does seem wierd that a Bible/Devil's Book is in an old church. He just happens to to be thinking about how he hasn't signed the Devil's Book and POOF he does it on accident. A bit to fast I think. Anyways let me know if you are posting any more chapters up I would like to read them. Lately I have got to where I love to read vampire books, and haven't read any. It doesn't seem anything like Twilight, and I am trying to avoid writing anything like it also. Anyways thats about it so good luck.
Well, I don’t particularly like vampire stories–they are so worn. You are a good writer though, as good as many I’ve read, so this story just needs a really original twist.
I don’t really like the signing of the devils book. It’s too...convenient. Abrupt. Misplaced? Not only that but it seems loose. He happens to pick the book up. His blood seals some kind of evil oath without him being aware? Just something to think about
The description is good, the writing even. Good flow.
Ahh At last I've found the first part of the second part i critiqued while ago. An it is exactly what i expected. Brilliant. And twenty six chapters is a lot. Are you planning to post them here. If you are PM me when you post them. How i love vampire stories. Now back to the critique.
I liked the last part about the blood lust most, it makes me shiver in my chair. But you need to explain a little more about that bible/devils book part, its a bit confusing. Other than that the story was good and i will be waiting for the third part.
Rowan,
Wow. Twenty six chapters? I’ve never made it that far… But, I will, I really will… *mutters under breath. Anyway, your book. ^^ Let’s continue, yes?
***
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It was always dark now but he could see as though it were day.
Okay, truth is, I don’t quite understand this sentence. It’s always night, wherever he is? Always? Or to him?
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What could he have done is his short and secluded life.
Question mark, I think.
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He moved like a shadow to the stained glass windows where he ran his fingers along the brilliant colors and spider-web crisscross of metal.
To add a comma, or to not add a comma? (Yes, I’m scared of commas, yet…). It’s just that weird sentence structure that goes on and on and on. And something in me screams: COMMA! But with a comma it… Eh, decide for yourself.
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Smooth and cold, he felt a slight give in the glass, as it dripped down over time.
Two last parts, together? Awkward.
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The loss of blood hit him much harder because he could not make more of his own.
“hit him” - that expression just kind of stands out, and not in a good way. It’s not a part
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His heart- beat had slowed to about one beat a minute and each beat felt incredibly hard, he could feel it in his fingertips and hear it.
Heartbeat? Or heart-beat? I’d go for the first, but with the second, get rid of that extra space.
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He felt an imKatrinate sense of wrongness when he held the holy book and was horrified to think that even the scripture was shunning him.
Er. I don’t get the fourth word.
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"What must I do to end this curse?" he asked the bible, and the pages settled.
Capitalize, yes, I think.
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This new smell was not unpleasant, it was more akin to something sweet and he was faintly intoxicated by it.
Rephrase since now it seems a bit run-on.
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He had a feeling there was something important on the other pages but he dared not turn back.
Comma.
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he'd always thought that she had been a little off when she made him.
Oo
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If only he could see the man’s face, he thought he could come back to reality.
Awkward phrasing. Consider rephrasing?
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It was if the man was deliberately keeping him in the dark, but why?
As if?
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If he was the devil what did he have to fear from Alex?
(…) devil, then what did he (…) O. And fear? Where did that come from?
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. It hit the wall of the church and closed with a puff of dust that took the brief form of the man’s laughing face with fangs practically dripping from his mouth.
I’d split this sentence. I mean, it’s almost important, it has interesting info, but that info seems to just be jammed into that sentence.
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The tingle of magic moved along his skin like tiny spiders and though he would have liked to run he felt paralyzed for a moment.
Comma before “he”.
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Alex screamed in agony as he tried to keep the presence out but it ripped through him like tissue paper.
Comma.
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He ran to the altar, tripping over the cracked and missing floorboards.
Either they are cracked, or their missing. Yes, yes, I know that some are this, and some are that, but it’s the first that I actually thought when reading. And then I had to stop and reconsider it, which is bad. Just clear that out a bit.
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There was nothing left to lose, though, and there was everything and anything to gain.
Nice sentence.
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The two presences seemed to be fighting bitterly but the result was relieving the pain from him.
Comma.
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In the same way that a flashlight can shine into a dark room and leave shadows, the water chased most of the evil away but some still clung to Alex.
The part after “but” seems a bit awkward. As if it were to topple over in a few seconds. So, either rephrase it slightly, or change the punctuation?
***
Well, that was the end of the line-by-line critique, obviously. Here are any comment/like/dislikes that I might have, and any tirades that I might have fancied to write.
Characters.
-> Alex. Well, he’s the only one I can write about, and I don’t think that’s bad, seeing as it’s a prologue. But, Alex. The woe-is-him evil who doesn’t want to be evil, and in the end may or not be evil. Sweet. I like him, he seems interesting, and I’m curious as to how he’ll turn out.
-> The Book. The Bible that is not a Bible - I think it deserves to be called a character, no? Just because I contradict myself all the time, sadly enough. Anyway, nice touch. I really liked that part, even if I do think it could be highlighted, emphasized a bit more.
Scenes:
-> Not exactly a scene, but an idea. A detail? Er, yeah. The father. I’d advise to leave out the family ties - I felt the urge to wander into those, more, and I don’t think that this particular prologue is the place. I mean, that was mentioned, and, well, that’s all. Hmm. I see that he might be pretty important in his own right, but why not let the mystery of him just, well, unfold? Slowly? Just a suggestion.
-> “It was not the bible he’d been reading.” Nice sentence. But, perhaps make it a paragraph of its own? (Might help in the emphasizing).
The Story.
This was an excellently written piece, and I enjoyed reading it. At times, however, I was tempted to just skip some of the rambling paragraphs… Hmm. But, on the whole, I did like it and enjoy it, and I’m glad I read it.
Thanks for posting,
Esme
Edit. Italics time consuming? Pff. So is reading and reviewing a story... If you didn't do that for one reason or another, don't tell me. Just leave it. I might think you don't care about me, really.
Very nice descriptions. The way you manipulated the third person point of view provided me with a clear sense of imagery. However, I felt that parts of it were slightly too technical for a prologue, but that may just be the result of my own beliefs of what a prologue should be. However, all in all, it is a pretty interesting piece so far. I'll keep on eye on it.
I do have a question though: How did the Devil's Book end up in an old church? I don't know if you are planning to adress that later on, but if you aren't, you may want to take that into consideration.
Ello there,
Well, as my friend Jig mentioned, its not truly original but I feel that you can shape this into anything that you'd like. Your vocabulary is amazingly good and really there wasn't anything wrong that I think of. This might have been long but you write as if I'm there so it made me thirst to find out what happened to Alex after he threw the Bible which turned out to be the Devil's book across the room. One thing though, experiment with the gore of the transformation as well as make it as angelic as you can. Vampires are only saints that have fallen, better yet they're only humans who stooped the level of the Devil, getting to the point, add something that sums that all up so a reader will keep reading. I'll get to the next chapter when I can but all in all great job
-Angel
Very few errors, only a couple of typo's, so good stuff. Nice descriptions; it flows well, the sentences are simple and the content is fairly interesting so all in all, a very good prologue.
Having said that, I see nothing "new" here, nothing truly original. It will be interesting to see where you go with this, to see what originality, what unique spin you put on the tale - be assured, that is what you will have to do.
As yet, there isn't very much to muse on.
The onus is on you with the next couple of chapters.
Good luck.