Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

The Raven. A majestic creature which can soar through the sky, perilously swooping from side to side, as he landed on a fence. He breathed in, and slowly breathed out, relaxing himself into a comfortable position. He was a nice raven, talking to the other animals about their worries and troubles, reassuring them and helping them. He was widely respected in the animal community, and had several nicknames made up for him. He enjoyed the nicknames. It made him feel welcome. Ravens like him were normally hated and feared, but this one was amazingly friendly. He sighed peacefully, and flew off to another porch. He decided to perch on the barn's roof, a comfortable place he enjoyed to perch on. From there, he noticed a group of 5 pigs watching him. He raised an eyebrow, and began his daily preach. A preach about safety, loyalty, and religion, which he knew lots about. The pigs listened in awe and wonder. They loved hearing their idol talk in his smooth Morgan Freeman voice. This was heaven on Earth for every reason. It was if time has slowed down, his words rolling off the tongue as he had just learnt all the words of a play, he spoke them effortlessly, like a ringmaster in a circus. As he finished, on opening his eyes, he noticed even more animals listening to him talk. He smiled as they clapped loudly and let a tear run down his cheek. He made a snap decision and flew off, finding yet another perch to relax on. Ah, by the shed! A fence post was by the shed, and it was standing upright. He flew over, and stood up rigidly. Rummaging in his bag, a small satchel, he pulled out a postcard. On it, he wrote:

He finished the postcard with a romantic sigh. Noticing a nearby postcrow, he asked the postcrow to deliver his postcard. With a salute, the quick postcrow flew off quickly and easily. The Raven smiled. He reached into his satchel yet again and pulled out two notepads. He used one for diary entries and one for notes. A very sophisticated raven, he thought to himself slyly. He quite enjoyed writing in his diary. It was one of his most treasured objects. He had began writing his diary on the 25th of November 2016. Now, in the 23rd of February 2017, he had made much improvement with his writing. He finished marking in his diary with a swift swipe of the pen. He put his diary back in his satchel and jotted down in his notes:

'Fly over to the Whitt Farm to preach'

Then, he looked back at the farm he had been staying at for a week. He was going to miss this place. He always missed his old spots. With a sigh, he took off, and flew towards the sunset. Breathing in, and Breathing out, he wondered if he would ever stay somewhere nice.

Feltrix here for a review. I'm sure you know that from the bold writing above.

I share an affection for ravens, especially intelligent, literate ravens with speech.

Any who, the first paragraph gives us a lot of information (so it should probably be more than one paragraph), but it doesn't use a lot of imagery. I am a firm believer that dialogue and descriptions are far better than outright stating something. Maybe show the raven being called by his nicknames, write what the raven is saying when he preaches.

"He smiled as they clapped loudly and let a tear run down his cheek." Sorry, but I don't think clapping works well without hands. And smiling doesn't work well with a beak. And I really don't know whether ravens can cry, but I wouldn't have the raven cry so easily.

"Rummaging in his bag, a small satchel, he pulled out a postcard. On it, he wrote:" The raven has a bag? Since when? What is he writing with?

"Marie,

Enjoying the preaching tour. Hope you are well!

John" I would have said earlier that the raven's name is John (and I'm sure other people would disagree with me). Italics.

"The Raven. A majestic creature which can soar through the sky, perilously swooping from side to side, as he landed on a fence." You go right from talking about ravens in general (it seems like) to talking about a specific raven. This is rather confusing. You also may have been talking about a specific raven the entire time, but it seems like you're talking about them in general, so I'd make this more clear. Also, I think a very in-depth description of the raven would make a great start.

"A very sophisticated raven," Italics here, too. And it makes more sense if the raven thinks 'I'm a very sophisticated raven.'

I know it's cliché, but I enjoy the 'flying off into the sunset' as an ending. Because of that, I'd move "Breathing in, and Breathing out, he wondered if he would ever stay somewhere nice." to before the flying into the sunset. It also seems like the raven thinks he stays in lots of nice places, so this sentence doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

I hope that's helpful.

Hiya! Penta here with a review.

First off, I love the concept! Ravens are always portrayed as 'bad' or 'evil', so it was nice to see something different. Now, on to the review.

Okay, so I get that it's only 500 words and that's really not much space for a story, but where's the tension? Where's the conflict? All you're doing is telling me about this smart, sophisticated raven. Well, good for him, but why would the reader be interested aside from the sheer unusuality of a talking raven?

Why would he know lots about safety, loyalty, and religion? Backstory, please!

Also, your first sentence: "The Raven. A majestic creature which can soar through the sky, perilously swooping from side to side, as he landed on a fence." This was really confusing as it switched tenses and POV. First you were talking about ravens as a species, then one singular raven in the space of one sentence.

I love the fact that he writes, though! I'd like to have more detail on that.

Anyway, good start! Keep writing!

-Penta

Hi, well, I checked this out because it was about animals. I'm a fan of talking animals. What chought my eye was that it was a 'good' raven.


Wow! I LOVE THE CONCEPT of a nice,good raven! This is so awesome! This is so beatiful,too! And he preches,too! Wow! Is's so refferching to see an 'good' raven as a protaginist!

I understand that this is a 500 word short story, but I would of loved some dialouge/get to know your character better. I also felt that you did a lot of telling vs showing, but I understand that this is a short peice. Like I said, the fact that you have a nice raven is what drew me in.

It would be interesting to write a longer story about this. I would read it, if you did.

Keep writing.

Hey! Happy Thursday!

This was quite the interesting read! I'm especially digging the ending; it felt like it pulled together the story nicely. Though flying towards the sunset seems a bit cliche, I liked the essence the ending had.

The first paragraph was really long. This is usually a turn off for readers, but for the ones that do stay: it can get confusing, or hard to read. I would recommend breaking it apart into two or maybe three separate paragraphs to polish it up a bit.

As far as word choice goes, I think there are several times where words are repeated or different words could be used. Word choice can be a lot more effective than one might think, and with a repetition of words it can 1) sometimes cause confusion, 2) seem lazy, and 3) be boring to read. Also, I would try and steer away from adverbs because usually they can be replaced with stronger words/a stronger description.

So, I'm a bit confused. We have this raven, and he gives a speech. Then he writes a postcard to Marie and we learn a bit about his writing. Though I appreciate a good fantasy and some talking animals, this felt a little too scrambled. With a bit more context and extra world building - just some explaining - I think it could clear up this. I don't mind that the raven is doing all these things, but it is abnormal and feels a bit weird.

It was fun to read, though. The love for the raven that the animals have is clearly conveyed and I also really liked the ending - it's a bit sad. I hope he finds a good place to stay!

I'm wondering if this was exactly 500 words? xD Keep writing <3

~EternalRain

Greetings, Ross Lightning! Storm's here to do a review, so let's jump right into it!

A majestic creature which can soar through the sky, perilously swooping from side to side, as he landed on a fence.

It made him feel welcome. Ravens like him were normally hated and feared, but this one was amazingly friendly.

He raised an eyebrow, and began his daily preach. A preach about safety, loyalty, and religion, which he knew lots about.

With a salute, the quick postcrow flew off quickly and easily.

Breathing in, and Breathing out, he wondered if he would ever stay somewhere nice.