Young Writers Society

Hi Rosey! Happy Review Day!

Now, overall I love this poem. I think it touches on a lot of heavy thoughts in such a natural-sounding way that I really feel like I am in the speakers head.

About breaking this up as others have mentioned: I think it could work with the current minimal punctuation but in stanzas, like the speaker is taking a breath before each thought, like maybe before each "and". I think this could even add to the heaviness of it.

Some nitpicks:

There's quite a few spelling errors. Forgive me if these are intentional, but "ninety", "forty", "expiration", "vigilant".

(and you don't know if your mother
would be so vigilent as to save his life
like your grandmother)

CatInTheShower made a good point when it came to the way this poem is broken up, particularly in the spacing of your lines. There are countless semicolons, uses of the word 'because', and a continuous stream of thought that loses it's power about halfway through the stanza. The fact that the stanza itself is just one giant line should go to prove that it needs more solid breaks.

I get what you were trying to do with this, and it's admirable. The thought process is supposed to be jaunty, and desperate, because the notion is desperate. The desperation one feels when faced with something so existential as existing, or experiencing the ultimate loss that comes with death's finality is scary. A stream of consciousness is sometimes effectual, and stylistically it makes sense, but it still feels awkward. Poems are supposed to not only face the difficult topics, but they find beauty in the things we fear. It's why poetry hurts so much.

I would suggest breaking this up. If you want to keep the concept of stream-of-consciousness, I would suggest keeping that stanza as one, but consider breaking these lines up. Add in periods and breaks that aren't particular to bracketed sections. The period is not your enemy here.

That having been said, let's discuss content.

This poem is heavy. There's really no other way of addressing it other than to suggest heavy because the content is addressing something that most people don't particularly like to think about. We lose everyone eventually. Everyone dies and its such a scary, vast, unimaginable topic. Everyone dies and the fact that you let yourself think about this enough to write about it is something that I have to tip my hat to you towards. I've stayed away from it personally because it's a topic I fear greatly.

My biggest suggestion comes with the territory of metaphor. Desperation can be shown through the images you choose to use to colour these thoughts. This poem felt very single-faceted, and made it's point pretty obvious (again, due to the desperation of the topic). If you want to remain subtle, consider desperate imagery and use it. Consider the whale thats beached itself, and you know it's not going to live because you can't pull it back into the ocean, and you're not sure if the whale is going to die of starvation first or from drying out slowly. Consider the cut flower. You can add water and nutrients but the flower has no roots. The petals will fall out eventually but when you're not sure.

You'll find imagery and metaphor will colour this poem just a little bit more. As for now, it seem's fairly bare bones.

How you worded this though brought a particularly large lump in my throat. I reread it a couple times because of how hard it hit.

Rosendorn wrote:you wonder if it's normal to ask yourself
how many funerals you'll attend before you're forty;

Nice

Before I begin, I don't want you to feel insulted by my opinion. I apologise if I criticise too much. I don't like giving criticism. I'm also not a poet myself so I may be misinterpreting your work. Sorry

I enjoy your piece a lot, although I feel that there are areas which can be improved. I love the topic, mood and tone of the poem. The subject definitely piqued my interests and I like the way you have conveyed your thought in the poem's imagery. The mood is blissfully dark, allowing for insight as to the melancholy emotion housed in everyone.

My only problem with the piece is that it runs too long at stages. Certain sentences could be split better into separate lines and perhaps different points could be divided into verses so to have a more direct view of separate aspects of your poignant ponderings.

Despite this, I did enjoy your piece a lot and would like to see more. Thank you for your time!