A/N: I'm glad that the first installment had somehow gathered good responses. This chapter is infinitely longer. I wonder where this story would go? I actually only thought of it on a whim... Have at thee, folks. Thanks in advanced for the reviews.
Chapter One - Exchanged Letters, Confused Looks (And His Informal Introduction to You: Welcome to His Life)
A glum and rainy morning, lethargically
Somewhere over here and there
8:09 AM, Steadfield
A letter? It's been years since he last received one.
He yawned, took a sip of his (supposed to be bitter but always ends up too sweet to stomach) drink, set down the mug, and started to read.
"Ah." His eyebrows rose up to his receding hairline (which is unfortunate for him, because he was only of the young and tender age of twenty-eight), steely gray eyes frozen in a wide stare.
You know what he wrote to her as a reply.
The day after that, frustratedly,
By the riverbank, beside the shipwrecked boat
2:34 PM, Richmond
It was funny how one word had made her so angry. Such a simple word it is, really. Such a simple question - "Why?"
She kicked up her feet, scattering small rocks on the path in front of her. She somehow managed to wound herself in the process. She winced as she bent down, ripped off part of the hem of her skirt. She wrapped the thin lace around the bleeding scratch on her foot, and walked on with a limp, still fuming.
She believed him. Of course. She hung on to every word he said, every criticism, every praise, every comment. Every single hint of saying "good work", although the words were not directly presented to her, she clasped near her chest and held them there like treasures.
He was so convincing, that man, and so, despite her shame, and despite them not even knowing each other that well (they've only met that day, after all), she wrote to him, in hopes that he'll accept her "proposal."
With the proper help and guidance, he said. He smiled as if implying that there was no one else, only him.
And she believed that smile.
How she loathed herself for it. She loathed herself, and felt ashamed for ever trusting that man, for getting him involved in her quiet little life.
Liar, liar.
I hope your hair catches fire.
She was turning twelve, tomorrow.
Curtly, when she got home, she wrote to him a proper reply.
At the coffee shop, soberly amused,
In his usual place by the window,
7:00 PM, Gertrude
Using one hand and his teeth, he ripped open the letter and slid out its contents.
He laughed as he read.
"Girl's got some spunk." He ran a hand through his locks, sweeping away the strands which had made their way to his eyes. His hair might already be shedding, but he can still afford to sweep it forward to create an illusion of having bangs. Yes, he was quite vain. But at least the women loved him for it.
Here comes another, waving him over to the counter.
He smirked.
The moon was beginning to rise on the glass panes of Caffe Ladro. Warm, butterscotch lights lit up the shop from the inside. It made the cylindrical, antique venue look like a sodden lamp in the dark.
Looking in further - past the crowd that was dwindling like dispersing milk into the warm, dark thickness of cocoa, and past the furniture which sat from corner to corner like blocks of chocolates scrumptiously arranged in a luxurious velvet box - there stood a man whose flaxen hair is of the same shades of brown, in the arms of several women whose names he didn't know of and didn't plan to remember anyway.
Aside from this moment, nothing else was on his mind.
The little girl's next letter can wait for another day.
Or maybe even longer.
It depends.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Ohmigosh, I didn't notice, I forgot! >w< They're sending letters by mail... in the prologue I mentioned that there's a messenger boy running back and forth from the two places and sends the letter to them... oh well... I'll clarify those other things soon enough and work through the second chapter~... Thanks again for the review~!
Hullo!
That feels extremely out of place to me. The voice is conversational, which doesn't fit in with the rest of the piece at all, and it's also sort of an info-dump. I know Zusak does things like this in The Book Thief, but those work because those are the narrator talking directly to the readers. As far as I can tell, you don't really have a narrator so it's the author talking directly to the readers which is a little weird/a good idea to avoid, in general.This was lovely, as always. Once again, I am very reminded of Zusak, and once again I am very impressed. Before I get to more overall stuff, I'd just like to point this out:
Overall, very nice! I really enjoy your style and the voice you've taken on. It's unconventional (maybe even experimental) but so beautiful. Anyhow, I'm not going to gush about that because I gushed in my last review and if I gush again now I'll just end up saying the same things. xD I would like to comment, though, on the way you make even trivial things seem direly important with your writing. I can imagine getting tearful over a burnt piece of toast if you wanted me to. Nicely done.
Once again, I'm not sure what negative things I should say (which, if you look at my other reviews, you'll see doesn't happen to me much). I think you could have handled the whole "birthday" thing a bit better, though--it doesn't feel as important to her as it should, I think, which is ironic considering I just said that you make everything seem important. It feels a little you just squeezed the fact that it's her birthday in, and didn't really develop it as much as you could have. Kids that age tend to get very excited about birthdays--I'd like to see a bit more of how she's affected by hers.
Also, on a technical note, I'm not really sure how they're sending letters. Are they sending them through the mail? Then it must take a day at least for them to go from one person to the other, right? Which means you're doing a lot of jumping around in time... but the way it's narrated doesn't sound like you're doing a lot of jumping around in time. It feels sort of like they are sending instant messages to each other, or something. Time is a heckishly difficult thing to portray, but I suggest you work on it because this is a little confusing.
Anyhow, good job! I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful. Let me know when you post more, and also please let me know if you have questions/comments/whateva.
Beamishly,
a
Kathy, it seems like you didn't read through the story very well... I mentioned it in the previous paragraph. I also mentioned that he was reading a letter. About the parentheses, I will be glad to edit them out when I find a more efficient method of describing what I want to say. Just to clarify things. This is actually the second installment of the story. If you want, you can read through the prologue to understand it better.
Thank you for the review.
Rosea
The parts with parenthesis, is this part of the story or you're not sure how to describe it? I'm assuming just part of the story since this is a review. I would re-arrange the words to cut out all the parenthesis here and there. I'd rather read it as text than in parenthesis. Just my 2 cents. Like, "He yawned and took a sip of his drink (#BF0000 ">WHAT IS HE DRINKING?). Somehow, it always turns out too sweet for his stomach and is supposed to be bitter. He proceeded to sit down with his mug, and began to read. #BF0000 ">WHAT IS HE READING? NEWSPAPER, BOOK, OR MAGAZINE? WHT KIND OF MAGAZINE?
I'm really interested in reading the rest of your story. I hope I helped you!