Heart Of Death

Hey Dogs here to review! First off I thought this poem was very meaningful and emotional. It shows great things, but there are a few nitpicks/errors. So we will start with those and save the good things for last!

By the way! WELCOME TO YWS. I hope you like it in our community and if you have any comments questions and/or concerns please let me know and I will answer you right away! The people here are really nice, and I hope we can become friends.

Now let's get on to the actual review!

Nitpicks:

1) The first three or four lines of this poem rhyme, which really throws me and possible other readers off. You start off making it seem like it's going to be a poem with a rhyme scheme, but it's not. I suggest you change the words that rhyme into synonyms of that word so people won't get confused with that.

2) This is just me, and it's more of a suggestion than a nitpick, but I feel as if you need more punctuation. Sometimes that can help express a poem more. Like is it an exciding event use an exclamation point to show how excited you really are. If that makes since. You don't have to add it, but I just feel that you need more of it, but it's up to you really!

That's all I found for nitpicks/errors and suggestions. Now we will get on to the good part of the review, which is telling you what's fantastic. (The whole thing)

The best parts!

1) I love, love, love how you end and begin the poem with the same line. I love poems that do that, to me it brings out emotion in my opinion and I really like how you did that!

2) This poem seems like you took your time to write, and I like that a lot!

3) Word choice: I love the choice of words you used for this poem. I feel like the poem can mean more using stronger words! (If that makes any sense at all)

4) The title: You want the title of your story or poem or whatever the work is to grab the readers attention. You want it to say "read me, read me!" This title does. I was drawn in by the title and had to read this poem! It was so amazing and I really loved the title for your poem!

Overall I loved the whole poem!
Great job for your first work!

Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs

Hello! herbgirl here for a review! Welcome to YWS!
I like this poem. You express your feeling very eloquently, your descriptions of death are, I believe, something everyone can relate to. However, there are a few things that I would like you to think about.
First, you start out the beginning of your poem rhyming, the second two lines rhyme. This bothers me, because normally when I read a poem with rhyming at the beginning I assume the whole poem rhymes, and if it doesn't I feel like the flow is kind of thrown off. I suggest perhaps changing the third line to "flowers will be planted," or something similar.
Now, after that first sentence, I was a little confused. While most of the poem seems pretty linear, you break off, saying, a few poetic lines that I felt weren't very well connected. Try reading through it, and if you can see what I'm talking about, try adjusting the punctuation or the wording. if not, please contact me, I would be happy to explain more in- depth what might help.
Then, in the last sentence, I feel you could have had two sentences. Perhaps add a period, so that it reads, "With me you shall always be./And in my heart,/in my dreams,/I welcome you with open arms,..." I feel the added pause would give more emotion to the statement. Also, along with that last sentence, I feel like you should either remove or change the line "so that you may never leave". It makes it seem as if you are forcefully keeping this person with you, which was not the overall vibe I got from this poem, which was more loving. If you changes it, maybe use something like "so that we may never be forced to part," or something similar.
Anyways, good job for your first poem! Sorry if that seemed a little harsh, but in all honesty I liked this poem. If you have any question about this review, or require clarification, please contact me, I'd love to help you further!
herbgirl