Untitled (Official)

Heya, RoseAndThorn! Casanova here with a review!

I put poets on the site in a hat and came out with you, so onward!

The first thing I have to say about this poem is just simply wow. This is really good, and I don't think I have much to critique at all! To the review!

You’re gone now, and I’ve moved on.
At least, I think I have.
Must one forget what is behind to look ahead?

For ever and always, I remain

Your Beloved.

This line here seems to be a bit of a contradiction. First you say you've moved on, then you state you're forever and always remaining their beloved. I could understand this if this was a state of confusion, but it seems like you go through the entire poem building it up to the little stanza I quoted. Then the shocker of stating,"Forever and always your beloved." Now, this could also be to enrage the person this was directed at, meaning it's a mockery,"Your beloved," but I got a serious note for this.

Overall this is a really good piece with strong images and a packed up version of emotion. What I mean by that is it looks and feels like emotion was put into this in great amounts, and I give props for that.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron

Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested.

Sorry it took me so long to get to this.

The one thing that I feel is missing from this poem is the emotional connection between the speaker and the person they're writing to. There's a relationship here between these two characters. I can tell that much based on the language. What I can't find though, is how close these two were. I can't find how much this other person felt for the speaker. As it is now this is a one sided poem. It's always hard to tell a story in poetry. There are only a few words that can be used anyway in order to create a single image. You can't dive into backstory or flesh out a character. That makes something like this a bit harder to pull off. I wasn't looking for something with an in depth story. I was looking for the feelings that these two felt together. For example:

You told me once that
The higher we fly, the more it burns,
Because we come so alive inside.

Why not take the chance to expand on these images? They're lovely images as they are. If they're taken a step farther though, you can create a feeling. How does it burn? When does it burn? Image them holding hands. What kind of feeling travels between the two? Imagine them sitting next to each other. Who wants to move closer to the other? Even just a stanza or two of those expanded images could make this so much stronger.

This might just be a personal preference, but I don't like the repetition of "Dearest Untitled." The beginning starts with "Dear Untitled," giving us the idea that this is a letter. Then later the speaker calls this person "Dearest Untitled." Now I'm left wondering if this is just a nickname the speaker has given to this person. The poem ends like a letter would though, so by the end I'm left confused. If this is supposed to be a letter format I'd suggest only using the "Dear Untitled," and whatever variation of that, once. It also flows better. Here we're hearing about the speaker's feelings about this person and it's broken by the speaker addressing this person again. These images you've created aren't giving us that lasting feeling because of the break.

The second and third lines really stuck out to me. When I first read it all I could think was "Whoa, that's good." The figurative language is so strong, but it also comes together to form something that could be an actual conversation. I feel like these two really did talk like that. It also introduces the relationship between these characters. It establishes the way they talk to each other, which then leads to creating their complete image. It might not be exactly what you imagined, but the image I have of them is enough for me. You come back to that in the eighth stanza. I appreciate you continuing the image.

You told me you can’t judge a book by its cover.
I asked what were covers made for, other than to be judged by-

I was once told by someone who reviewed my poetry to be careful about dashes. They're great to use within a line, a stanza, but at the end of lines it's almost pointless. When reading through poetry, most people take a pause at the end of a line anyway. Even if it's a small pause. So having to add another pause to the natural pause is an overload. I noticed this three times in your poem. I'm not saying you have to take them out. Just go back over it and think about it. See what kind of emphasis you really want to put on that break. A period might even work better.

I never quite understood the point of offsetting lines. I feel like it's more of a stylistic choice than a structural one. Unless of course, you're writing a line like this:

You remain a blank page.
dripping
with
nothingness

I like seeing lines like this. Whenever I see offsetting lines though, I expect to see them consistently. The fact that there's only two places in this poem that it happens it doesn't seem very effective. I don't notice much difference between this and if they were in line with the rest of the lines. Maybe it's just me reading this wrong. Either way, it's something to consider.

You’re gone now, and I’ve moved on.
At least, I think I have.
Must one forget what is behind to look ahead?

Well then. That was a bit abrupt This is really the only stanza that focuses on what has happened to this person the speaker is writing to. The way the speaker has been talking about this person, I didn't expect something like this. It's another point in the poem that I think could be expanded upon. You get that initial reaction of shock that I'm sure you were going for, but that's it. To be honest, the parts of this poem that stick out to me is everything that happens before this part. It doesn't seem like the speaker lost this person because I'm too busy thinking about their story together. If this is going to be part of the poem there should really be more to it. Otherwise it's just another stanza in the poem. I know that's not what you're going for.

You've done a good job with this poem. I enjoyed reading it, enjoyed hearing the story of the speaker and their relationship with this person. It's sweet and heartbreaking, a look back on something that might've been forever. There's a lot of emotion in this poem. There's so much more that this could be though. Play around with it. Add more, take away some, see what you end up with. I think the perspective of this Untitled would really add to the poem.

I'll get to your other poem soon! hopefully :3

Keep writing!
**Noelle**