Slowly drowning,
only you can save me...
Fire is a feeling, but can never be.
Every last word isn't enough to fill the page.
There was no home until you were seen.
Never be alone from what has been.
Now and forever
what eye has seen, what ear has heard?
Now and forever will you love me.
Now and forever never alone.
Yesterday has gone, tomorrow has come
Now and forever will we be...
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140,607 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hi Ronnimusette! Whatcha here for a review.
)
Seeing as you're fairly new, welcome to YWS!
And, without further ado, let's get onto the review. (See how I rhymed that? OK, ignore me
''Slowly drowning,
only you can save me ...'' << nice, simply words, perfect for what you have to say.
''Fire is a feeling, but can never be.'' << sorry, did you just change thoughts? Now I'm confused. What does this have to do with the line before? and what do you mean, fire is a feeling? I thought it was a thing. Sometimes people express in poetry but forget to explain. I would recommend explaining this, but maybe I just don't understand.
And also, are 'me' and 'be' supposed to rhyme? Because, other than 'seen' and 'been', nothing else rhymes, so consider that for your word choice.
Anyway.
''Every last word isn't enough to fill the page.'' << again, I feel like you keep changing thoughts. Still, that's a great phrase.
''There was no home until you were seen.
Never be alone from what has been." << I love the first line! As for the second, I take it to mean that since the speaker met this person, all bad memories can be washed away? Please correct me if I'm wrong.
''Now and forever
what has eye seen, what has ear heard?'' << again. I feel this means that all bad memories are gone.
''Now and forever will you love me.
Now and forever never alone.''
I would switch some words around -
'now and forever you will love me,
now and forever, never alone'
see, I changed some periods to commas, added commas, and switch the order of 'will' and 'you'.
''Yesterday has gone, tomorrow has come
Now and forever we will be...'' << perhaps 'today has gone, tomorrow has come' will have more meaning? I love the ending, though.
So, overall, you used the right capitalization! Yay! Only capitalize the first letter of a line if the one above ends in a period. A rule I live my, excepting the exceptions. Wow. That's sounds stupid.
Anyway, moving on, some of your thoughts seem out of place, and it may seem all I had to say was bad, but that's 'cause reviews are supposed to point out the bad stuff, not the good stuff, which there is a fair amount of, too.
Keep writing!
~whatcha
That's what we all might long for isn't it, a love that will last forever, someone who will love us forever. That wanting or needing of that is clear in this poem, having it no longer makes the world seem intolerable. I can tell how much the other person who loves the writer effects their life. In some ways your poem seems deep and I like that, especially the no home till you were seen. A good job if this is your first, I haven't even published my first work, but I really like yours and can't wait if you make more.
Hey there Ronnimusette, welcome to YWS!
Myjaspercat here to leave a review
Ok, well for the most part you have pretty good poem here. I agree with L182 in the fact that you should direct the verses better, but I still think that the way they are written would be fine if you decided to keep it this way. The ambiguity is actually pretty nice. I also slightly disagree with gxldencrxwns. I don't think you need to break this into stanzas since it's a pretty short poem. Now if you wanted to break it into stanzas that'd be nice, just be careful about the placement as it can mess with the flow of the piece. Other then that, nice job, I cant wait to read more form you.
Hello! I believe this is your first post (since your profile says you have no prior posts) so awesome work!
Just wanted I like your poem, and I understand the message but I think you could direct the verses better.
You'd start of with a idea about feeling then jump to emptiness then jump to what a home is and I know it's poetic and your delivery is unique to me but I think if you dedicated a complementary verse to each idea you could have something truly more expressive.
Other than that awesome job!
Hello, Ronnimusette, and welcome to YWS! I'm here to review your lovely poem. I have one compliment and one complaint, allow me to state them both.
Compliment: I've seen a lot of poems similar to these, and I love these kind of poems. Plots like these are used quite often, but that's the fault in poems like this. I didn't see any mistakes, spelling, punctuation, or grammar wise, so good job on that part.
Complaint: The only complaint I have is that there is no separation of stanzas. I understand if that is what you did in the draft but it didn't do it in the actual writing itself. I know all about those. If that wasn't what you did, I'd suggest doing so. It'll make the poem go along smoother. Also, since this is a romantic poem, I'd suggest making Romancitc as a category.
Keep writing!
~gxldencrxwns