Have you ever felt that need inside?
Like you just want someone’s chest to cry into,
And a solid body to hug that’s not your mom?
You have that gut feeling in your stomach
That means you just know it’s going to happen.
That you know you’ll have that place to cry,
That body to hug,
Those arms to hold you,
That mind to listen,
Those hands to gently cradle yours,
That face like the sun,
That hair to run your hands through.
You just have that feeling.
It’s going to happen someday.
But you’re envious to those who already have
That place to cry,
That body to hug,
Those arms to be held in,
That mind to listen,
Those hands to cradle,
That sun-like face,
That hair to tousle.
It’s coming.
You know it is.
Closer every day,
The feeling of
Right.
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Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,753 Reviews
Hi there! I'm WD and your poem is the first in this piece of time I have carved out for reviewing.
So, I'm going to have to agree with some of the comments above here that the emotion here was not coming across very vividly. This can be hard to do when you're beginning to write poetry, so here are a few things to think about as you start revising this:
2nd person doesn't give you a beeline path into your reader's heart
Sometimes people have this strange notion that if they talk directly to the reader, then the reader will feel things more intensely and relate better than if they talk in 1st or 3rd person. This is not true. Second person is very hard to pull off and right here it's not working. You're relying too much on trying to drag emotion responses out of your reader by asking second person questions and you aren't paying enough attention to the strong word choice and images that evoke our emotion naturally.
It's like reverse psychology. If you go around us and make us feel something with images, we feel it but if you grab us by the neck and say 'hey, you reader, feel this now!', I'm going to say, 'nuh uh, mister poet!'
So, when you are rewriting this, rely less on second person and delve into the strong words and imagery.
Good verbs and pictures grab the reader
Strong verbs and imagery are your most valued allies when writing poetry, and in poetry, each word matters. Rhythm also helps, but we're going to focus on these for a minute. Good, strong, specific verbs that evoke emotion are your friend. Instead of saying that sorrow fell on me, tell me that sorrow settles on my skin. Make me feel what you're saying. Appeal to the senses. This is what good images do. Poetry is most emotional and powerful when it relies on strong images, poetic devices and vivid words that overwhelm the reader's senses and draw the reader in.
All in all, you have some good beginnings here and I'm excited to see how you revise this. Nice job, keep writing! And please PM me if you have any questions!
I totally agree with thedelphinater in that this poem lacked any real emotion. I totally get what you're trying to say and I can say that I relate. I wanted someone to love me for me, without them being related to me. And like you said, it does eventually happen, you just have to be patient. But the waiting can drive you insane, and you didn't bother to elaborate on this feeling in your poem. I am also wondering if you shouldn't get rid of the line, where you talk about your Mom. I don't know why, it just bugged me.
I understand what you were trying convey here, I'm just not sure if you conveyed it properly. I think this might be better as... I'm not sure. Maybe in the "other" section or something along those lines. Maybe just put it into paragraphs or something like that. It's not that I don't like this, just, to be honest, it kind of lacks, well, poetic elements and whatnot.
). This will help with your wording and the flow of your poem.
If you want to keep this as a poem, a few pointers:
You should try to make the stanzas, and the lines, the same length. It makes the poem flow a lot more smoothly.
Try reading your poem out loud. Sometimes things that make sense in your head don't once you say them out loud (speaking from past experiences
I get what you were trying to do with the repetition, but I would leave it out. I'm not saying get rid of the entire stanza, but maybe use different descriptions. And don't worry, it's very hard to make repetition work.
One last thing: poetry is about descriptions, and in this case, emotion. You had some descriptions in the second and third stanzas, but I don't think you included much, if any, emotion.
So: I like this, I just think it needs some changing around.
Just a note, for some reason, these stanzas are not spaced out. They should be. So please don't say, "why didn't you break up the lines?" I do not know why they are not broken up. They should be.
Thanks, Rocking Writer