I Wish You Knew

I think it could.

I hope it would.

I wish you knew.

I love this bit best of all. It has a sense of rhythm that, although it slips at times, kind of gets under you skin. However, and it has been said, you've got a list of things other people have said in other poems time and time and time again. Something new is needed here; longing is a powerful emotion and if you want to get across how you feel you need to give us something to compare it to. Make it more personal, more about you, and not just about the stereotypical woes of your average teen. Good luck! PM me if you change it xx

This is good, but I suggest some work. I find this a little cliche, and your words and lines have all been used! Maybe you could form more poetic, metaphoric phrases and add them in! I just think right now, this poem does not stand out in my eyes.
Its pretty, but not beautiful!
~Classy

Aw...so sweet!

I know this feeling all too well. I felt that way before getting involved with boyfriend, and now we've been together for a year and two months. So, maybe it'll work out. All we can do is pray and see.

But other than that, there are a couple of issues I have. In line two, either put a comma after "smile" or take "makes" out; it makes no sense there. In line six, we have a conflicting detail. "Somewhat nice"? Wouldn't that be unkind? I don't know; I don't know the guy you speak of. And lastly, in line nine, "to" should be "too". And...I think that's it. Good job!

I love this idea, it speaks to so many real emotions that everyone's felt, that crush, that love that you keep inside and never gets out. Wanting the person to know you but they never do. You've caught the essence of this poem, but I think it needs a bit more pizazz or cleaned up edges. It might be nice to add some commas in the beginning and stanzas, as well as making a few slight word adjustments like this:

"If only you knew;
The way you smile that makes me happy,
The way your eyes shine when you laugh,
The way my heart beats when you’re near,
The way you brighten up my day.
The way you’re somewhat kind to others,
The way I love to see your face.

That I’d liked you for three years,
That I wish you felt it to,
That I don’t know if you do.
That I wish I had the courage to ask.
That I’m scared of what you’d say.
That I think that you’d say no.

Because I’m not so cool.
Because I’m not that popular.
Because I’m not boy crazy.
Because I know your friends would laugh.

But if you said yes.
But if it could be.
But if it lasts...

I think it could.
I hope it would.
I wish you knew."

Hope this helps you think of some things, I would certainly keep the repitition because I believe it's a great aspect to the poem. Good luck!

Hey

I think this is a good base for a poem, but not actually a poem yet. Does that make sense? :s
You have all these emotions, which is really good, but so far you've just listed them one after the other. More like a grocery list than a poem, no?

To improve this, you can work on adding more imagery and linking your emotions together in a more relevant way than just listing them. For example, you say this person's smile makes you happy. You could improve this by using a richer vocabulary; instead of saying it makes you happy, take the time to describe the smile and the feelings it inspires in you. This will make the poem more interesting and engrossing for the reader. You can also experiment with metaphors and similes to describe the things in the poem, such as instead of simply saying 'I love to see your face', you might describe the face in a way that shows (rather than tells) the reader that you love it.

I also noticed that this is not really spaced in any particular way ... if you intended for the poem to be in one long chunk, then that's fine. Personally, I think it would be more appealing visually if you broke it into smaller stanzas, but really it's up to you.

Overall, this is a good framework for a poem. You have your ideas and emotions, basically the building blocks; just work on adding some more depth and detail. Give us a reason to care about the narrator's troubles, make us relate to this situation (I'm sure many of us can).

Good Luck!
- Camille