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E - Everyone

Welome back

by Rocketwriter3000


Authors note. (This is the little brother of Horisun for those who know who I am from. I posted some stuff on her account.) 

Hi and welcome back to the show.

I have so much news to show you.

And a lot of deaths to see haahhahaahahaaaaa.

Welcome back.

Do you know us.

We were---- in--- your nightmares---.

Do you see us as evil.

Or do you see us as love-----.

Trust me.

I am your friend.

But should I trust you?

We know you.

Do you know us?

 We were---- in--- your dreams-----.

Guy: Wait hold on.

Did you say you were in my nightmares a few secs ago?

This makes me not want to trust! 

Heck!

Who even are you.

What show are you talking about!

Voice: The one where you die hahhaahah.

Your death has already been written.

Now don't----- you try------ to survi-

Guy: Oh shut up!

I never asked where am I! 

:Jack Oh hi!

I'm here to explain.

You fell in a hole.

Placed as a trap.

Now welcome back.

Guy: Hold on I never been here before!

Jack: Yes you have.

Guy: When?

That's something you shall not know.

Welcome back.

I hope you know us.

We sure do know you.

Open this door and you will be one of them.

Guy: This better be good!

UHG!

 What is this.

A lot of dead bodies!

I'm finished with you!

WHO ARE YOU NOW.

Joe: welcome back old buddy. 

Do you wanna play a game.

Guy: Uhg what is it.

Joe: survive this bazooka.

Guy: OH CRAP!

Welcome back.

Its time.

To.

Be

Stuck.

Here forever.

WELCOME BACK!


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Mon Nov 04, 2019 1:59 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!

Omg what a hilarious piece. This is such a fun song because you're also establishing a story and characters at the exact same time! It kind of has a hiphop feel to it, so I wonder if that's the genre of music you're going for. For a while, I thought it was a podcast script of sorts, but it hit me later that I was reading it too slow and it's probably a fast-paced hiphop song.

I really think this is super funny. I was able to picture the scenario as the song progressed, watching these different characters pop in and out of a potential camera shot on their game show. There are pieces in the song that made me snort to loud, like:

Do you see us as evil.

Or do you see us as love-----.


Like I could see a cartoonish monster over-dramatically swooning with hearts in his eyes, Looney Tunes style.

And again with the surprise bazooka death at the end! Another goofy cartoonish moment that made me laugh.

So I wonder overall if this song is meant to be an actual nightmare! The song is called Welcome Back, and it's actually about these game show hosts speaking to this Guy contestant. Apparently he's been here before, and these guys know him through his nightmares, so I'm thinking that perhaps this is the interpretation of those falling nightmares people have, which is super cool!

I also like how Joe might be someon Guy knows, which makes this seem even more like a nightmare because typically our dreams contain the faces of those we've seen before. It's just a really fun and funny way to describe a nightmare that's really cleverly written!

There was a moment where the hosts ask Guy if he knows them, but that seems like an unnecessary or rhetoric question at least. I'd probably avoid going that direction and spend more time developing characters or setting up the horror game show. Nightmares tend to be vague anyway and just simply scary, so bringing in more reasons as to why this feels like a nightmare to Guy would really bring out the horror part of this satire!

I had a lot of fun reading this, and I can tell you had a lot of fun writing it. Well done, and thanks for the smiles to start my day! :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

EDIT: Forgot that I wanted to add how much I'd have loved to hear this sung. In fact, what was your inspiration for writing it? Perhaps you were imagining a similar setting, like a podcast or a cartoon show and this were its gameshow theme song.




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Sun Nov 03, 2019 2:01 pm
LOLACONER says...



this a review,your lyrics is good but it is horror,try to improve it a little better!




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Fri Nov 01, 2019 10:04 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review. This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned- you may feel offended anyway

First Impression
I can some up what I thought of this in three letters-LOL!!!!

Nitpicks

Let's get started with the first few stanzas shall we?

Hi and welcome back to the show.
I have so much news to show you.

You repeated the word show twice. Try writing it this way-
Hi and welcome back to the show.
I have so much to tell you

If you don't want to use the word tell maybe try finding a synonym for show.

Next you missed a question mark in the following stanzas
Do you know us.


Do you see us as evil.
Or do you see us as love-----.


What is this.


In this portion you misspelled hahaha-
Voice: The one where you die hahhaahah.
Your death has already been written.

Seriously, I'd cut down on that evil laugh. That doesn't read like a lyrics.

Now don't----- you try------ to survi-
Guy: Oh shut up!
I never asked where am I!


Here you missed a cap as well as a question mark-
Joe: welcome back old buddy.
Do you wanna play a game.


Other then that I could see no nitpicks

Style & Word Choice
You're word choice was okay, but your style...first you need only one - not six or seven. Secant you really need to clarify what kind of song this is. And if you have different speakers, or I should say background speakers, you should indicate that. Otherwise there is a lot of unnecessary confusion, also maybe have some character introductions? Maybe try writing this as an opera.

Overall you did an okay job.

EverLight Out





As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro