Published January 23, 2009
The crowd was famished by degrees, except for two
Of an enormous city did survive, And they were enemies;
They met beside
The dying embers of an altar-place
Where had been heap'd a mass of holy things
For an unholy usage; they raked up,
And shivering scraped with their cold skeleton hands
The feeble ashes, and their feeble breath
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
*LOCKED* for plagiarism.
Don't steal from Byron, he'll eat you.
Blink seems to have covered the technical stuff, so I wont bother repeating it, but there are one or two more things I can add. Let's see:
1) Understanding. I had a tough time understanding the poem at first, and part of me still does. I was told this myself by another member of this site when I first joined, "If you have to explain your poem to us, you didn't do a good job the first time."
2) I think I know how to help your reader understand. Try making it longer. Add more detail and describe your feelings and ideas more. Doing that along with what Blink said really should make this a good poem.
Over all I like it, just help me understand a bit more. Drop me a PM or a Sig. when you revise it, I'd very much like to read the new version.
~Mr. Pie
Thanks for the advice, i will try to improve this using the tips you gave.
Hello RockGoddess! Nice to see a new face around here! Just in case you didn't know, it's a a rule around here that you must do two reviews for every submission you make, so get reviewing!
I did like this poem. A lot. But your grammar's all off, and it's especially important in a poem in my opinion--that is to say, if you go for right grammar at all. But, here's what I would change it to:
[ I don't understand this. Or then, I might. I'm not sure. My reading of this is that it got very hot and everyone died, but it's a little of an anti-climax to dwell on two survivors and no even mention everyone else dying. You need to explain how this affects everything, in perhaps just line or, if you're very skilled, a word or so. ]
[ "Enormous" disrupts the flow a little due its length, and the emphasis is not good emphasis. Try some alliteration, like "colossal" or a word beginning with "s" for sibilance, or something like that. Because it's important to state that there are but two survivors in so vast a city. ]
[ I don't really see the point of that last line. Why exactly is a skeleton's hand feeble? Do specify--and it's important in a poem not to just throw in random adjectives and pray that they work, because they need explanation just like in prose. Of course, let us search for things and make our own conclusions but try and link it with the rest. Or even a metaphor for the hands would let us interpret the piece some other way, yes? I also think that creating that last line as a new sentence makes it stand out more, and thus relies and greater strength so make it accurate. The repetition does little for this if you don't explain the point of it being feeble.]
But you are entirely in the right to disagree! Just bear in mind what I've said.
The rest I definitely liked, and, although the message is not entirely original, you brought it out in an interesting way, so, well done! I think that there could be more emphasis on important words, for effect as I've said, but overall, well done!
Blinky