Reflections of youth
He stares cold – heartedly at the ice cool pond
His childhood memories are far from fond
He stares in shock at what that moment created
His world upside down, completely obliterated
His younger years reflected a handsome, confident gent
Hours never wasted, always well spent
But how just one second could destroy his inner being
And leave his soul in tatters, always running and fleeing
The pain seemed endless, then fear usurped its place
A see – saw of sorrow with a resonant pace
To never again fit in with society
His mind now set on complete sobriety
His younger years are not ones to remember
Like the cold, hard glow of a fast dieing ember
They clog his thoughts when he wishes to forget
His life is full,
Full of regrets
He would change that moment without hesitation
What closure it would bring: joy and elation
But that is the path his life has taken
He wishes it were a dream from which he could awaken
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I actually entered this into a competition at my school, the first line was meant only for the judges. Was supposed to edit that out. Thanx
Hello I'm LastPaladin and this here has potential but what ruins it is the first line. You never let the readers guess what happens, you instead give it away straight off. Being who I am, I'd prefer if instead you omitted that line as it does nothing. The overall rhyme scheme of poem irritates me. It too skippity hop and jump, it does make us feel sad. Whereas a classic example The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe though it rhymes the rhyme comes across as threatening and eerie.
Hope this helps.
Th "cold, hard glow" is referring more to his childhood(previous line) than to the actual ember. Sorry about that, is quite confusing. Thanx for the comments, really encouraging
I like the rhyme scheme, but it might serve the overall dark tone of your narrative better if you use alternating rhymes...the quickness of the rhymes makes it take on almost a happy tone, not the melancholy one you seem to be going for. I like the soul in tatters imagery, as well as the coldness imagery in the first two lines...it may serve you better if you repeat imagery throughout the entire poem, instead of just scattered in certain places. Overall, though, it's a good poem - keep on going!