I never thought I will feel like this again, I actually hoped that nobody will put me into the situation I was for many years again, but finally someone did it. It took time and effort from the fucking society to crack me again, but they did. And it hurts, a whole fucking lot., it is like the person you care about the most just thrusted her hand deep into your heart cavity, gripped the organ with her claws, held on tight and pulled it right out of your chest. And she showed it to you. It was still somewhat connected to your body so you can watch it slowly pulse away into nothingness, basically you watch yourself slowly die, fade away. And as you enter that magical land of empty, well, it's not empty, it's actually full of nothing, it's full of void. And you just float, forever, and ever, and ever, and ever ever ever, until the file that I am writing this in is so filled with ever that your harddrive does not have enough space to save it. And that is a long time. But that doesn't hurt as much as the initial heart tearing did. Not as painful, not a chance, not even when in that nothingness you are forced to relive every painful experience you have ever had, at once, but only for a couple of eternities, not for every eternity you have to spend there. But then, you mystically start feeling alive again, and everything starts getting better, you can feel the sun shining on your face, you hear the voices of your friends and family, just.. JUST to throw you into the deepest depression, even deeper than The Great Depression. It is so deep, that you slowly and gently want to kill yourself, just a quick death, painless. And that would be a fine way to go, taking into consideration the mess you are already in. And a knife starts floating towards you, finally, a way out of this crap. But you realize that the knife is there no more. It was an illusion. The quick suicide feeling dissapears and you start wanting a slow and painful death. You really want to die, not because it would stop the torment, not because you would get out of that mess. You want to die because you have no reason to live anymore, you have lost your reason to wake up in the morning. You start slowly bleeding out of every joint. And after a good couple of eternities you finally die. That is the short version, this is the version when you know the reason of why it happend. What sparked her to do that. It is worse if you do not, it is endlessly worse. When you do not know the reason , you don't start bleeding. Oh no! That would be too easy. When that suicide feeling kicks in, a whole bunch of spikes surround you, hovering over every inch of your body , so close that you can almost feel them touching you. But they don't pierce you, they just linger over your body and tease you with the sweet taste of death. Out of the fucking blue you start falling, and way way down low you see the finish you have been promised. A big pit of fiery death filled with scorching hot lava and magma serpents that can already smell the fresh meat that they will receive. A final smile on your face before you die. You feel the warmth of the lava, but not the burning of your skin. You open your eyes just to see yourself hovering over what you wanted to be your demise. You fall asleep for a couple of seconds and you wake up in front of a mirror. You slowly walk towards it. When you look at it, you obviously see yourself while a bright light shines upon you. Out of the enveloping darkness from behind, you see a lot of red raging eyes. They slowly come towards you, you suddenly turn around and you don't see anything. You look back at the mirror just to see a pack of hyenas jumping on "you" and start tearing your flesh off your bones. And the you in the mirror has a happy smile on "his" face, a pleased look in his eyes. "He" finally found peace. But nothing for you. You have to feel the continuous pain that you have felt up until that moment. You see bright white and small walls flying towards you. They block you in a spot so tight that you can barely breathe. Then those white walls light up to torment your eyes, a shard sound to cut your eardrums to pieces, a red gas starts to leak through the edges and slowly starts choking you until you finally have a heart attack. You wake up from the brief death just to see your heart get ripped out again, and again, and again.. and obviously again.I have not written in a while so grammar and punctuation issues may occur.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, Maheen here for a review.
First of all, you are or I suppose, you must be good at writing. The passage might be reflecting your current state of mind, which could be termed as 'tangled' or 'exasperated' etc, and I think it is perfectly okay for your writing to reflect what you really think or believe in, your current emotions for example, or anything else. However, there are certain limits we all are confined by, certain rules we are bound to obey. One of them is, of course, avoid swearing in your writing, which should be avoided in order to make your work impressive and *acceptable* in the first place.
Since, you have already mentioned about the grammar and punctuation issues, I would avoid mentioning that. But proper paragraphing, I must say, is the key to attain the reader's interest instantly. So that the reader can digest the details of every part of your writing gradually, as he proceeds, and that way he can get the gist of your story without becoming lost in crowd of words (as it seems).
Furthermore, I repeat you must be a good writer but in order to make your work more impressive and attention-seeking, try making your stories a bit less shallow. I mean, merely WE are responsible for our actions, or to make our situation better, then who is the character complaining to? It doesn't seem mature and very distracting when the characters in the story are not strong and here, I must say the character seems mentally immature, with less possession of his own perspectives, and enslaved by the chains of the society, which makes your work look a bit shallow.
Other than these issues here, thumbs up! Keep it up!
Hello there.
First things first, I shall talk about your technical writing, most notably about how you didn't divide this piece into paragraphs. This makes your piece very difficult to read since I have trouble keeping track of which line I'm on and have to frequently double back whenever I scroll down. This makes for a very tedious read, so you would be doing yourself and your readers a huge service if you were to break up your story into paragraphs.
And while you did mention that your grammar might be a bit rusty I shall point some mistakes out anyway, just in case.
First thing I noticed was your tendency to shift tenses, like in this sentence.
The parts in parentheses are the past tense words you use while the present tense words are in brackets. I'm sure you can clearly see the problem here. Please choose whether you want to write this piece in past or present tense and stick to it. People will notice this.
Also, this narrator of yours has a tendency to swear. While people may swear heavily in real life in literature it can be more of a distraction than anything, especially if you use some of the higher tier swear words such as "fuck." Yes, we know your character is upset with society and his situation. But all he does is angst and complain about it and wish he would die. Why doesn't he, you know, do something about his situation? Which leads quite nicely into my next point.
I'm the sort of reader who likes characters who actually do something, and this narrator here does nothing but complain. Yes, I understand that depressive feelings can be hard to overcome. Yes, I understand that the idea suicide can be so appealing that one may not be able to think of anything else. I've experienced both emotions myself and have no desire to revisit them through my literature. If there's a depressive or suicidal character in a story I want to read about him overcoming his emotional issues and become a stronger person. You know, something called character development. I also think it's a far better example for people actually feeling these emotions instead of a character who does nothing but complain as the sadness takes him.
I also have an issue with the second person narration you chose. While second person narration can be used effectively I don't think it was used effectively here. "You" obviously implies that the author is addressing the reader, and with such an emotionally involved piece it also means that the author is trying to project certain emotions onto the reader, or at least that's what it feels like. What happens if the reader says "those aren't things I would think if I were in this situation"? It can pull them right out of story, and that's something that should be avoided. That certainly happened to me while I was reading this story, mostly because the overload of symbolism wasn't something I could relate to. Perhaps a first person perspective would be a better fit.
And that's all I really have to say. To be brutally honest, I'm getting tired of all these depression and suicide pieces that really don't say anything about overcoming those issues. They just talk about how it hurts and it's sad, and while that may be the case in real life there's also this thing called hope in real life, and I wish it would be portrayed more frequently in these kinds of works.
You're free to contact me with any questions or comments.
--Dover
Hello.
A rather difficult piece to review, here. It's very personal and obviously reflects something fairly fresh in your mind. I will offer one or two suggestions, though.
Firstly, I think this would be a lot stronger if there were paragraphs. Paragraphs would allow readers to pause and take in the pieces of information being handed to us, so we manage to feel the full depth that you do. Paragraph breaks have a nice pause that lets us swallow, so we can sit and go "ouch, that hurts."
It would come in especially handy at the very end, when it's revealed the death isn't a truth death. That switch doesn't have the full amount of pain it could have because it's rather sudden, and there's been no chance to stop before then.
This piece has a lot of raw emotion in it and I can feel snatches of where you've been. But if you slow this down just a tad (either through paragraphs, or expanding a little bit), then it could be a lot more powerful.
Hope this helps, and PM me if you have any questions.
~Rosey
I really liked the tone of the piece (oddly!), in that the narrator STILL remains a cynic despite all the crap that he's been through! You pointed out that you expect grammar errors so I won't call you up on most of them, but there's just a few that I'd like to point out:
"And it hurts, a whole fucking lot., it is like the person you care about the most just thrusted her hand deep into your heart cavity, gripped the organ with her claws, held on tight and pulled it right out of your chest." - there's that ",." that needs to be fixed, but I chose the rest of the phrase as I really liked it! The image was great (in a twisted way) and you could feel the angst of the narrator, while it also left the reader with a feeling of unease.
"A big pit of fiery death filled with scorching hot lava and magma serpents that can already smell the fresh meat that they will receive." - again, a great image here. Twisted? Yes, but great. It's just the serpants watching their food be lowered and waiting, snapping with their mouths, for their food - beautiful!
I know that you're not on YWS that much anymore, but just in case you return, we're a family here so remember we haven't forgotten you!
I know EXACTLY how you feel.... -_-
This is pretty good, by the way. And I know it's not really a review, but I just felt compelled to comment...