Published January 23, 2011
*deleted*
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,600 Literary Works • 673,549 Reviews
Hi there!
Right now, I think your opening is a little dense to really 'draw people in' to it. For instance, your sentences are quite short, but each one is a little disconnected, which gives the reader a feeling of being plied with too much information. You'd do well to read through this aloud and, when it sounds awkward, just edit the sentences so that the flow better, and therefore work well as an opening. Also, make sure that you're using the right form of a word - a few words I've put in bold up there are wrong and should be changed.
With stories, you really want to develop an opening that interests a reader. The opening paragraph presents a really interesting idea, and that's great, but I think that a couple of the things mentioned above detract from it and therefore the idea presented gets a little lost in the presentation.
As your story moves on, it rushes a little bit too quickly. It's okay to follow if you read it over a couple of times, but it needs to be developed a little more before the story can really make sense. Your ideas are all brilliant, but the way you push them together means that it all feels really rushed and slightly confusing.
This could be better if you slowed down a little and started to show, not tell. Your narrative, whilst interesting, is long and it would be better if instead you focused on what's happening in the story rather than talking about it beforehand. People's actions talk louder than their words, but here you've ignored that and moved straight on to explaining everything so that when it actually gets to the actions nothing is particularly surprising.
I think you have a lot of potential here, you just need to let the story unfold in a natural way rather than trying to explain everything before it happens!
PM me with any questions.
-Amy
Hey, Roal!
I'm sure you know the drill by now. If you have any questions or comments about this review when I'm done, don't hesitate to let me know. I'll be more than happy to help.
I think it may have something to do with the critique above actually: the showing, not telling.
I was going to get to this yesterday, but then remembered that today was reviewing Sunday. Therefore, I thought that I better wait until today to review this. Yup, that's how my mind works.
Overall, I have to say that I love this idea, Roal. Thinking about it, the one thing that I always adore about your writing is the concept of it. You're always able to come up with original ideas that are guaranteed to work well. Your characters are always interesting to read about and like the plots, they're original too. This piece is no exception. I definitely think that this is brimming with potential!
The main thing I noticed in this was that, at times, you had a tendency to tell, not show. I can't press you enough on how important it is to show your readers things instead of simply telling them. It wasn't a huge issue, but it did creep in here and there. Let's take the beginning, for example, where you were telling us about Simon and his sister, especially what their relationship was like. This is an area where it felt like you were telling us what your characters were like instead of us being shown what they're like.
The thing is that you don't need to tell us that Simon beat guys up if they went near his sister because we clearly get to see that later on with your MC. Therefore, the part at the beginning where you're describing Simon's love for his sister isn't really necessary. We can tell that he's aggressive and that he loves his sister when we see him beating up your MC. The problem with you "warning" us about his behaviour before hand is that when the violent scenes do arrive, they don't seem as shocking because we already know that Simon's aggressive. Does that make sense? Along with a few other scenes, it weighs the piece down a bit.
The only other critique I have for you is that I did find some parts in this confusing. This was a tiny issue really because there wasn't anything major that I wasn't sure about. The problem as well is that I'm not 100% sure on why this was sometimes confusing either. I'm so unhelpful.
What you have a tendency to do is do a wonderful job at showing us the story, then suddenly break into a bit of a telling spree. Think of it like this: we're engrossed into your story, then we have to pause on what's going on for a bit and get given some information. Then, when we get back into the proper story, it takes us some time to get back into it because of the brief pause with the information you were giving us. Because of that, we miss a thing or two and get a little confused. Hmmm... This is making less sense than my last critique, isn't it? Well, I hope you somewhat understand what I'm trying to say here. Basically, be sure that you avoid causing any kind of confusion - make sure that all details are clear and easy to follow.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hello. Here as requested!!
Nitpicks:
1.
Spoiler
viewtopic.php?t=2351
this is a link to a Topic that will help you with your beginning. It didn't pull me in.
2.
Spoiler
Whats chitty chat????? do ya mean Chit-chat??
3.
Spoiler
I think you should re-phrase this to: The Bendrick family consisted of four people. The parents, Simon and *girls name*. THe daughter was adopted, and so on.
4.
Spoiler
this needs to be in italics so we know it was a memory. YOu had me VERY confused.
Well, I was very confused. I can see your personality and your writing ability shine through, but I get the feeling you didn't go over it well. And if this was ch. 1 it was quite an info dump, which you don't need in the first chapter.
I have a job for you, before you write ch.2
1. Close your eyes. This story lacks feeling.
2. Imagine that your are the charecter. How would they feel? How would you your self respond to the situation?
3. write down the feelings you had. Not on the computer. On paper.
4. then adapt your story to the feelings.
Before you post ch. 2:
1. read the chapter out loud.
2. edit, edit, edit.
3. repeat this 5 times.
Overall I liked it.
~pointe
Hey! Thanks for reviewing :3
hey there,
Let me just say: This was great. i don't really mind the romance part coming later on since you've already got this atmoshpere built up. Well i have to say I liked your characters, their personalities were unique and quite catchy.However there were some places were your description regarding some of the charcaters were a bit confusing particularly simon. i really like the fact that you have this silent mysterious type of guy as your main character as it adds this suspense to the story and well with the romance and suspense together it might build up to be a really great plot. Well i will really look forward to your next chapter cause i think the concept is really intresting. I would just say be careful of your spelling mistakes and the small things and then it will be okay.
I would definitely encourage you to keep writing and please let me know when the next chapter comes out. If you need some one to review i'd be happy to help.
-budding writer
Thanks Michelle =3=
Mails isn't a word? MY COMPUTER LIED TO ME!! D;
Awww this is so cute!!! It's almost like I can feel what they feel and getting attached to them.
Ok! The underlined means that shouldn't be there while the red means you need to add something. The green means it's completely optional
I think Benderick is supposed to be hyphened and maybe italicized.
Either one, but 'something about you that interest me' isn't right.
If you said, 'I don't have a single friend due to my brother...' it'd make sense. But the sentence structure clashes.
You could add a comma instead of a semicolon or just take out the semicolon and leave it without punctuation, but a semicolon doesn't fit because it's not two sentences that can be made into one.
For the first option, the comma is in the wrong place.
The second option, a comma is a wrong punctuation.
'Here' doesn't fit properly and a period could be added where the comma is.
Fitted means 'To be the proper size and shape for'. 'Fit' works perfectly fine.
The 'to' is just a word that's thrown in there, and 'belong' needs to become 'belonged'.
The tense you're talking in changed with the 'has been'.
'Mails' isn't a word
This sentence confused me at first, probably because I'm an easily confused person, but the 'be' needs to be there and 'work' needs to become 'worked'. Taking out the semicolon is optional, but if you take it out the 'and' needs to be added
'Hopped to the person responsible' sounds like, 'He hopped over to the person who tapped him'.
I can't wait for part two