Clocks

A very pretty little work, which is exactly what it says ot the tin. I think you tried to do some clever HTML thingy with the word US, however, on my pphone at least, this hasn't worked. Thought you aught to know. What I like the most is the admittance that we invented the concept of time. It is always good to reflect on that once in a while.
Well done,
TakeThatYouFiend!

Hi Buzz here to review!

Firstly you have a good concept here it's very interesting also. It has a lot of potential though I feel there's room for improvement in this piece.

"Imagine if clocks could think"

I understand your idea behind this statement though it didn't quite work, the word "think" in reference to time seems awkward in my opinion. Maybe talk in terms of a clock having a mind or if we could hear the thoughts of clocks or something along those lines.

"And they watched us
Scramble as they
Spun their clock-wise
Tricks."

This was my favourite stanza I love the way you described clocks as having tricks great use of metaphors here.

I also liked the end statement about how we may have invented time however I didn't get the sense of humans inventing time very much throughout your poem it wasn't very highlighted.

Other than that well done.
-Buzz

You change through the poem from 'imagine if' to talking in the rest as if it's a definite thing, so I might consider changing the first line. I'm also not sure why the first one is in a stanza all by itself, nor the last.
"scramble as they
spun their clock-wise" The line breaking here seems a bit disjointed to me; I might combine the two lines.
The last stanza is my favorite, I love the "The sun is in on it too" and how "proud and adamant" we are about something that we didn't even make, just like to pretend we do. The philosophical punch comes in the second stanza.
"And they watched us" also seems like a continuation of the first sentence and not quite a complete sentence in its own right, though I know capitalization and punctuation is different in poems.
This poem is short and to the point and I love that. Excellent job. I hope this review helped and I wish you a Merry Review Day and Happy New Year.
-tgirly

Hello!
This is a very interesting poem you have here. I'm not quite sure what you meant in writing this poem, but I'll attempt to review it nonetheless.

I think that your line breaks seem rather off. For example, You say

And they watched us
scramble as they
spun their clock-wise
tricks

(quite proud and rather adamant)

Hey! I'm here to review this work for you.

To start of with, I have to say, I really think the subject of this piece is surprisingly unique and original, I like it, great job on keeping things fresh.

I like your opening line, 'Imagine of clocks could think' it's a great use of a rhetorical question to help draw the reader in and make them interested, a very great hook for the poem and it helps kick start the rest of the poem and help it flow.

I think the first stanza tells us, more than shows us what your trying to paint, though. I would try using more descriptions and expanding more on one idea instead of trying to fit two or three in one stanza. I also think the rhythm sounds a little chunky (at least in my opinion) and I would try smoothing everything out so it flows instead of trying to force everything into four lines, because it sounds like you wrote everything out without separation and then tried cutting it into four lines, even though it was originally one.

The second stanza, again, needs to flow more, try counting the amount of syllables you use in each line and make a pattern out of that, it doesn't have to be a pattern that a specific style of poetry uses, just a pattern that would make everything flow together. I also think that in the second stanza, you should cut down the amount of lines you used, since, in my opinion, the line break adds to the chunkiness of the rhythm.

I don't quite understand what message you were trying to go for here, but the general idea is quite unique and I think if you just synthesize and really smooth out everything, you could have a very nice, original piece of poetry with a great story to tell.

I hope you enjoyed the review, and if you have any questions or want to follow up with me on some stuff, then don't be afraid to message me about anything. Keep writing and I hope to read and review some more unique, original pieces by you, like this one. Have a great day!

~Jony

RoachRedford,

What an odd username... How did you come up with it? Nice poem, by the way. Your poem is pretty good except for the ending. The end of your poem was a little bit confusing to the reader. The part where you wrote "us," doesn't make sense. I am also not sure whether or not you should capitalize the word "sun" because others do and others don't. I would suggest capitalizing it but you decide what you want to do. Also, I would suggest keeping the first letter of each line to remain capitalized because it is uniform in the poem. The punctuation is different from what I have seen as well. But no worries, the meaning of your poem and writing of it is great! Keep up the good work and please do continue writing!

- Magenta

P.S. If you have anytime, could you review my poem, Mirage. I need some reviews because I would like to improve my writing, especially in the poetry area. Thank you...