Published February 24, 2008
I remember sailing across the oceans,
finding myself lost and drowning
until your hands picked me up
and became my guide,
my sanctuary.
I happily sailed through
your tub of fun and soap,
and dared across it even when you
splashed storms that would
make a real god jealous.
I happily flew without wings
through your room,
pretending to steer myself and
making space pirate widows
with my invisible cannon.
I happily waited in my bottle
when you didn't want
to play with me anymore,
with my memory fading away
in a fog of dust and cobwebs.
I'm almost asleep, and it's only
a matter of time before
I've been forgotten too much.
But I won't crumble away bitterly;
I know you've sailed
across your oceans too.
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141,690 Literary Works • 675,575 Reviews
I really like this. I think this is pretty good. I love the words and rythm. Keep up the good work!
-Rick
Nice. You've got a strong, original voice going on here and your simplicity works great. I did feel like the first stanza sank a bit too far in the realms of cliche, so if I'd suggest one stanza to be really attacked, it'd be that one.
Your repetition worked pretty well, although I found the word "happily" a bit overdone and kind of tiresome.. Also your linebreaks weren't in as good a place as they could have been at times.
Here, for example, ending it on "and", you draw attention to a weaker word and I'm not sure it worked in this instance. Apart from that, really good job.
I did like this poem a lot it was very cute
but I thought that it was so perfect so I cannot properly crit it =) sorry it just caught my eye and I had to read it and I see it's adorable and that's all XD
sooo cute =)
Your first stanza needs puctiionuation fixing so do the others. After getting past that you are good to go. Great Job!!
SimonCowellLuver