Published March 28, 2011
There comes a sadness deep within,
That sings a solemn tune,
Tiptoes oh-so-sneakily,
Like silky sudden poison.
It bursts through vessels of the mind,
Sinking to the core,
Seeping with insanity,
Spilling to the floor.
It sings a song of eloquence,
Calling you to its hold,
An art of crafty acquiescence,
A soul –for sale—was sold.
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140,662 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
This poem was one of those occasional pleasant surprises that I get when I read things in this forum. Safe to say, I liked it quite a bit.
I thought this was great. The idea was good and the imagery used was great. The repeated use of words beginning with "S" on the second stanza was really nice and gave those words a subtle emphasis which created a rhythm. However, I think you should have stuck with a pattern. The second and third stanza, the 2nd and 4th lines both rhymed-this worked, but you needed it in the first stanza. Also, in the 3rd stanza you rhymed the 1st and 3rd line but did not in any of the other verses. Otherwise I really enjoyed it
Great stuff xXx
I loved it! You're a great poet
Keep writing.
Hi Ritaki, I noticed this wasn't reviewed yet, so I'll take the time and in the process get my 50th review.
First three lines, a simple meter "|Da-da|Da-da|Da-da|Da-da|Da-da|", which is iambic if I count right. And the fourth stops it, and really, quite suddenly. So much I'm stirred by it and wonder why exactly you stopped. Trouble finding the right words? Additionally, this first stanza has some other things to notice: you do not EVER need ", or . or any punctuation" at the end of a line. Treat the end like it's the line itself and part of the meter and rhythm, in fact YOU MUST, since we do not write in iambic pentameter anymore. Lies from text books, sadly.
The second stanza starts (<--alliteration, hohoho, we'll talk about yours shortly) the same as the first...and then it stops. Now I'm worried. Why bother with meter at all? Once you start down this path it's like a sculpture, and if you decide to make the statue a horse instead of a middle aged man...well something isn't going to work. I struggle to see how some of the thoughts string together, in that they might extrapolate, but to connect the idea beyond reading those lines independently, we get a conundrum of affairs. Lots is happening and the glue is quickly thinning out.
Really, the third stanza typifies my concerns. More meter all over, not quite specific on what is happening, or why it matters, or, really where we're going. It's ok to have no goal in poetry, but simply fill the poem with beautiful words and images, but it is NOT good to use words simply because they communicate ideas.
This isn't bad, and don't let yourself think that. Re-examine the need for pentameter, and perhaps most of all, cut the alliteration unless you can make it stand on its own as great to read or propping the poem up in its own way. Good luck, hope this helps!