Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This seems like a wonderful little piece here from the extract that we've got. I already find myself very much wanting to know more about what all of this is referring to and how this scene came about.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Imagine waking up in the middle of the night to see him looming over you. Saying nothing, just looking at you with an idle dead expression in his face. Although expressionless you can feel his thoughts, his presence is in the room darkening existence itself. His very being feels intoxicating, yet evil. His demeanor contrary to his look is somehow happy, even though he hasn’t even moved a muscle he seems happy, although dead. You hear his light breathing, barely audible except that his presence has brought silence to the world. But you realize that you can’t breathe. His mere aura takes your breath away, in a good way but yet, it feels sinister. You try to move but you can’t. He subconsciously took away your ability to move. Or was that too his aura, not of his fruition? He opens his mouth, expression unchanging.

“You are so calm when you sleep.” He quietly whispers to you, comforting you in a malevolent way. You try to open your mouth but no words will come.

“Shh,” He macabrely mutters “there is no time for you to try and stop what is in motion. Soon it will all be over.”

His expression is still, ever unchanging. Eyes dead, facial features expressionless. You open your mouth to utter all you could, using every bit of energy you say what you can. One word.

“Why?”

Then, you can breathe. He is gone. although terrifying, without him you feel a void in your soul. Almost as if, you need him to be complete again.

Hello! Here to review!

'dead expression in his face' - should be 'on his face'

It's odd to mention his expression then say he is expressionless. I know it's because it's a 'dead expression' but it just reads a bit iffy. Maybe change up the phrasing.

'his presence is in the room darkening existence itself' - 'his presence into only darkens the room, but blackens all existence' maybe?

I can't picture how someone can have a dead expression and an evil being but seem happy. The juxtaposition of all those things makes a very convoluted image.

'in a good way but yet, it feels sinister.' - you've already established that his presence is evil so they 'but yet' seems redundant. We know he's sinister.

When he touches the person, it would be good to add some detail of how he feels. The whole scene sort of feels like a vacuum. Like an impossible moment. So maybe the touch of him would make it feel real, or maybe he feels like a ghost, or maybe he doesn't feel like anything at all. That touch would either ground the moment or make the person aware that it is a dream. It could be a very crucial part to the scene so it would be extremely useful to use it!

Jeez, This sent shivers down my spine. I can't imagine what the world would be like if this was me in the story. Such a good written piece, You really have a wild imagination. Keep writing!

I really like this piece! It leaves so many questions, which makes me want to read more. You said this was from an excerpt of a book you're making, which is leading me to think of so many scenarios of how this all plays out. Right after you think you have an idea of the passage, the last line changes so much-which I love. Great Job!