So, this poem just arrived in my mind randomly. I know that doesn't sound inspiring at all, but I was just at my computer and this is what flowed into my head. Overall, this poem is a bit of a ventilation regarding my perspective of life and it's ups and downs.
So, comment if you could - they're greatly appreciated - and enjoy!
Thanks!
Life
It flies past your eyes
It burns and chokes, soothes and calms
Time turns to life
Life turns to time
The clock ticks, three seconds left
The heat of the fire
The chills of the ice
It runs true together, linked into one
Life
You see the ancient cuts on the wall
The world will fall
Time’s gone by
It won’t come back
Lay your fingers on the surface
Feel the cold, don’t worry now
Time’s moved but your around
The chimes run alike
Going on and on
Life
You can’t see the pain
The anger, the fear
You only feel it
Here inside you, it remains alive
You look at the scars of your wrist
But you turn away, you won’t need them now
Feel the time move by
It slips beneath you
But you can’t run, your rooted in place
Life washes by, you won’t feel a thing
Promise me you’ll stay the same
I can hear the lies you cry
Another chime from the clock
Tears burn behind you
You know the answer already
Life
The wind blows through
You’ll turn your head
It burns and burns
Don’t lie to me, I know you now
See the broken hearts on the wall
They pulse and pant
You feel their beat, deep inside you
The clock strikes a number
You know what time means
But you don’t run
You don’t cower, hide, or blink
You only stare
You’ll know what slips away from you next
It will be
Life
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I would like to agree with Navita in most parts of the poem. The poem is what I expect it to be; which should not be the case. I mean, when you call it 'life' it is a broad topic and thus I expect something I do not already know. Maybe, something amazing that I did not think of when the word 'life' was introduced to my imagination.
The poem also does not draw me in. It means well but I do not have that urge to read it again.
On the plus side, I would have to say that you really have good use of language and that is seventy-five percent important!(according to me).
Hey there! First of all, even though this topic can be cliche, I think you wrote it in a way that made it very original. I like the words you use, and I can tell you choose them wisely. That's a good habit, keep that up.
^I love this. Love it! It creates a very strong feeling.
All in all, it was a very strong, good poem. I'm excited to see more from you! :)
-Chrissie
Firstly, just thought to mention that the title annoyed me. 'Life' is not particularly inventive, and it does your poem no good to be summarised in that one word - pick something that is perhaps the most striking thing about life and make it a new and interesting title.
Secondly, the subject matter. Put yourself in the readers' shoes. Are you really saying anything we have not already heard before? And if you are - are you doing this in a different way to hook us in, to give us an brilliant and original way of seeing things in life?
Relating life to time, to hardship is not new - and this is not necessarily a bad thing, since it gives you an easy springboard to work from. However, the words are mostly literal, and if the occasional bit of figurative language is thrown in, it is far from delicate and subtle - it stands out unnecessarily. Integrate it in a lot more. Give 'life' a motif - something weird or quirky or funny. Expand on this, explore every aspect of this, dangle every tantalising morsel of comparison in front of us.
This poem is great. The content is wonderful, and the meaning can have so many interpretations. However there are some structural problems, that is in flow. But these are not major because the message is so deep. I like this poem. Keep writing more like this, in this style. I think it suits you. Anyway with that said if you have any questions on structure PM me because I am about to fall asleep. So good work and goodbye for now.