z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Rings(chapter#1/ Part #1)

by Rinos


Winter break seemed like a perfect time for Dylan to have some piece and quiet, except it was anything but peaceful. It all started the day before winter break on that bus ride to school.



6:45 am Every day the bus passed by Dylan’s apartment. It was always the same old same old, wake up, go to school, come home, sleep. A vicious cycle he so desperately wanted to break. Every day he told himself. “Alright, today’s the day things are going to change.” Of course, they never did change. Luckily it was Friday and the last day of school before winter break, so at least he had something to look forward to.

The bus ground to a halt. Smiling through the glass door was John Jones, the bus driver, who coincidentally was also his English teacher. His school was on a budget and used all the help they could get. Even as a Sixteen-year-old he understood quite well why his school was so poor. Chicago, one of the most crime commenting city in the world, wasn’t exactly the best place for a school. Entering the bus Dylan was greeted with the fresh fragrance of sweat, body odor, and hormones.

“Lovely.” He thought.

A few steps and shoves later Dylan made it to his seat in the back of the bus. There was no heat in the vehicle, so he considered himself lucky to be in the back next to the exhaust. Dylan leaned his head up against the window looking at the world rushing by.

Wet leaves and rain flew across his window. Dylan reached into his pocket, pulling out an old MP3 player and some earbuds. He popped them in, and the world around him fell silent, a gorgeous piano taking its place. Each note was pristine and crisp, with a slow and smooth undertone. “Ray Charles. Nothing but the best.”” He thought to himself.

The radial blur of the world around him made his mind race with untold stories and adventures. Dylan daydreamed of a variety of things from running up walls to taking a nap, until finally fixating on the idea of a hero coming to save his city from all the sins it had committed. It was a nice thought. However, it was hard thinking optimistic when living in Chicago. Crime was through the roof more so than ever, and it would take a miracle to save the poor lost city.

“Boom!” A loud popping noise erupted from the front of the bus, the vehicle scratching to a halt.

“Everyone alright?!” Mr. Jones yelled. The students nodded.

Looking forward Dylan noticed the bus leaning to one side. “Alright everyone off the bus!”

Mr. Jones’ authoritative voice ruptured through the small vehicle, sending each student scurrying out the door. Dylan was the last one to leave. As he stepped out of the bus, he was met by a cold wind. Small droplets of rain fell onto his face, stinging and biting at his skin.

Mr. Jones motioned each of the students onto the sidewalk. Dylan hated the idea of feeling vulnerable on the streets of Chicago, especially when the only person able to protect them was an old man with a walking cane.

“Ting!” A loud metal on metal collision sound shot from the sewer drain beside him. Dylan bent down noticing something odd. Blocking a section of the drain was a big clump of mud. Through the grime, Dylan saw a sparkle of light.

He reached down for it, the mud practically dissolving in his hand. Wiping away the last bits, Dylan was in awe. A bright blue ring sat in his hand, its band made from a very sturdy metal, the top outfitted with a large blue sapphire carved into the shape of a shield.

The cold metal glinted as he moved it into the light. Post doing this he noticed something he hadn’t before. Carved across the silver plating was a series of symbols. He saw a few that looked familiar, but couldn’t make out any sort of meaning.

Dylan seemed to lock eyes with the ring, no matter how crazy it sounded, the ring felt alive.

Over the sound of Mr. Jones Dylan heard a faint whisper. “Hello?” Dylan shouted. His classmates looked around frantically towards him, each eye wide with fear.

“Hello, Mr. Porter, we can all hear you.” The once quiet class burst into laughter, following the undoubtedly sarcastic comment from Mr. Jones.

“No, I…” Dylan froze. He couldn’t tell what was more strange, the whispering in his head, or the giant shard of metal pierced through the front tire of the bus. “Whoah! What happened?”

The bus driver glared at him blankly, another sarcastic comment already forming on his lips. “It seems Dylan has some listening problems, eh?” The man walked over placing a hand on Dylan’s shoulder.

Once again the class lit up with laughter. Dylan felt his face heating up, turning a bright pink. Never in his life had he ever been so embarrassed, especially by a teacher.

After a few long moments of embarrassment, Dylan piped up. “Seriously whats going on?!”

The class fell silent. “I'm not entirely sure; it seems like we must have hit some scrap metal on the road.”

Dylan examined the metal. From what he could see, it was no ordinary scrap. It had minute carvings scratched into it. No one else seemed to notice this, so he brought it to Mr. Jones’ attention.

“So, why are there little symbols on the metal?”

Mr. Jones glared at Dylan as if he had insulted him in some odd way. “I see no…” He paused making quotes with his hands. “Little symbols.”

The man reached into his pocket pulling out an old outdated flip phone. He punched in a few numbers and the phone began to ring. “Hello? Yes, this is John. “

Must be the school, Dylan thought.

The sidewalk was getting slick and Dylan began to feel tired. He wondered about the giant shard, and how it had just appeared in front of the bus, and the fact that he was the only one who could see the writing engraved into it.

He tried drowning his thoughts with music, but it didn’t seem to work. The asumtions lingered in his mind, refusing to leave.

What had he just unearthed?  He imagined it was just some random coincidence and that it would all be forgotten in a matter of hours; but this was different, the symbols, they're Nordic.  Dylan couldn't explain how he knew, he just did.


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Fri Aug 18, 2017 3:28 am
Samk642 wrote a review...



Samk642 popping in!!!

Like the story, excellent work!! I want to see where the story goes with the Nordic hint to it (dovahkiin, cough, cough) but, with some recent books being based on that mythology, my only request and recommendation, is make it original. Make it your story. On to the grammar and spelling, you misspelled asumptions by leaving out the letter p. With the sound effects, maybe make them separate, or don't make a new indentation with it. Paragraphs are at a minimum three to five complete sentences. It can really pull someone out of the story with paragraphs willy nilly. I personally tend to go comma happy, so don't feel horrible!!

The story was good, work on paragraphs, everyone makes typo errors, can't wait for more!!

Samk642 out!!




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Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:13 pm
RinosGF says...



This is wonderful! I really like the story and I don't think it's too cliche. I know you think I'm only saying your writing is good because I'm your girlfriend, but I think you have an amazing talent! I wish you would post more stories and share all of your writing with me because I'm really intrigued with all of it... Keep up the good writing and don't ever give up your dream! I'll be by your side every step up of the way. I love you xoxo




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Fri Jul 14, 2017 8:13 pm
RinosGF wrote a review...



This is wonderful! I really like the story and I don't think it's too cliche. I know you think I'm only saying your writing is good because I'm your girlfriend, but I think you have an amazing talent! I wish you would post more stories and share all of your writing with me because I'm really intrigued with all of it... Keep up the good writing and don't ever give up your dream! I'll be by your side every step up of the way. I love you xoxo




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Fri Jul 14, 2017 7:08 pm
RinosGF says...



This is wonderful! I really like the story and I don't think it's too cliche. I know you think I'm only saying your writing is good because I'm your girlfriend, but I think you have an amazing talent! I wish you would post more stories and share all of your writing with me because I'm really intrigued with all of it... Keep up the good writing and don't ever give up your dream! I'll be by your side every step up of the way. I love you xoxo




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Fri Jul 14, 2017 7:06 pm
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RinosGF says...



This is wonderful! I really like the story and I don't think it's too cliche. I know you think I'm only saying your writing is good because I'm your girlfriend, but I think you have an amazing talent! I wish you would post more stories and share all of your writing with me because I'm really intrigued with all of it... Keep up the good writing and don't ever give up your dream! I'll be by your side every step up of the way. I love you xoxo




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Fri Jul 14, 2017 5:26 pm
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MissPhoenix wrote a review...



Hey Rinos! I really enjoyed this piece, especially how this chapter acted as a prologue of sorts- are you thinking of taking it further? I actually have some questions about the story I'd like to see developed further... such as is Dylan the only person who can see the runes, or does he belong to a larger group?

Anyway, I'll mention some of the best points from your story;

The first two lines were good in drawing the readers in, especially how you set the story in winter (seen as cold, bleak, etc.) and even a bus ride would be seen as a dull experience, yet you use these to successfully normalise the writer's life, to make the experience seem even more "abnormal".

In the second paragraph you write "It was always the same old same old, wake up, go to school, come home, sleep. A vicious cycle he so desperately wanted to break." I like the variation between short and long sentences here, maybe you could take this further by extending the list of mundane tasks Dylan had to endure.

["Entering the bus Dylan was greeted with the fresh fragrance of sweat, body odor, and hormones.

“Lovely.” He thought."]

Hahahahah! I love this. You manage to bring in the senses AND sarcasm.

"The radial blur of the world around him made his mind race with untold stories and adventures." This was also a good piece of description, especially how the words "blur" and "race" imply quick movement and an exciting atmosphere, when he is on a bus.

[“Boom!” A loud popping noise erupted from the front of the bus, the vehicle scratching to a halt.] For this line there seemed to be a lot of different noises going on, i.e. popping vs eruptions vs scratching which all seem to imply different levels of noise. You could try and make these all one sound description, or continue with the idea of multiple noises for the effect of confusion?

"Dylan seemed to lock eyes with the ring" ahhhh, good old personification. I love the idea of the ring having its own properties, and especially to see whether it will turn out to be a blessing or a curse, as you have kept so secretly!

"He tried drowning his thoughts with music, but it didn’t seem to work. The thoughts lingered in his mind, refusing to leave." This line was good, as drowning seems to associate with confusion of thoughts, maybe this could be taken further?

"Dylan couldn't explain how he knew, he just did." I like this last line, it seems to conclude the first chapter just like the first two sentences began.

Also, on a side note, was this story in any way related to LOTR? Even if this is a completely separate story, this chapter was really good! I'd love to read any more you write, keep this up! :)




Rinos says...


Hey I'm so exited that you liked my first chapter! I have many plans for expanding this story and introducing two other supporting characters. I drew some inspiration from LOTR, with the whole idea of power coming from the rings. I would love to talk more about this story with you if you're up for it. I have tons of great ideas and it would be nice to have someone to talk about it with.



MissPhoenix says...


Hey Rinos! I'd love to talk more about the story :D I'm really excited to hear what ideas you have!



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Fri Jul 14, 2017 4:08 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a longer review :)

Winter break seemed like a perfect time for Dylan to have some piecepeace and quiet, except it was anything but peaceful. It all started the day before winter break on that bus ride to school.



6:45 am Every day the bus passed by Dylan’s apartment. It was always the same old same old,: wake up, go to school, come home, sleep. A vicious cycle he so desperately wanted to break. Every day he told himself. “Alright, today’s the day things are going to change.” Of course, they never did change. Luckily it was Friday and the last day of school before winter break, so at least he had something to look forward to.

The bus ground to a halt. Smiling through the glass door was John Jones, the bus driver, who coincidentally was also his English teacher. His school was on a budget and used all the help they could get. Even as a Sixteen-year-old he understood quite well why his school was so poor. Chicago, the most crime commentingcommitting I'm not sure if that's completely true, so maybe just "one of the most violent cities in the world" would work better city in the world, wasn’t exactly the best place for a school. Entering the bus, Dylan was greeted with the fresh fragrance of sweat, body odor, and hormones.Um, hormones aren't really a fragrance

“Lovely.” He thought.

A few steps and shoves later Dylan made it to his seat in the back of the bus. There was no heat in the vehicle, so he considered himself lucky to be in the back next to the exhaust. Dylan leaned his head up against the window looking at the world rushing by.

Wet leaves and rain flew across his window.If it's winter, there shouldn't be leaves Dylan reached into his pocket, pulling out an old MP3 player and some earbuds. He popped them in, and the world around him fell silent, a gorgeous piano taking its place. Each note was pristine and crisp, with a slow and smooth undertone. “Ray Charles. Nothing but the best.” He thought to himself.

The radial blur of the world around him made his mind race with untold stories and adventures. Dylan daydreamed of a variety of things, from running up walls to taking a nap, until finally fixating on the idea of a hero coming to save his city from all the sins it had committed. It was a nice thought. However, it was hard thinking optimistically when living in Chicago. Crime was through the roof more so than ever, and it would take a miracle to save the poor lost city.

“Boom!” A loud popping noise erupted from the front of the bus, the vehicle scratchingscreeching to a halt.

“Everyone alright?!” Mr. Jones yelled. The students nodded.

Looking forward Dylan noticed the bus leaning to one side. “Alright everyone off the bus!”

Mr. Jones’ authoritative voice ruptured Ruptured doesn't seem like the best word choice here through the small vehicle, sending each student scurrying out the door. Dylan was the last one to leave. As he stepped out of the bus, he was met by a cold wind. Small droplets of rain fell onto his face, stinging and biting at his skin.

Mr. Jones motioned each of the students onto the sidewalk. Dylan hated the idea of feeling vulnerable on the streets of Chicago, especially when the only person able to protect them was an old man with a walking cane.

“Ting!” A loud metal on metal collision sound shot from the sewer drain beside him. Dylan bent down noticing something odd. Blocking a section of the drain was a big clump of mud. Through the grime, Dylan saw a sparkle of light.

He reached down for it, the mud practically dissolving in his hand. Wiping away the last bits, Dylan was in awe. A bright blue ring sat in his hand, its band made from a very sturdy metal, the top outfitted with a large blue sapphire carved into the shape of a shield.

The cold metal glinted as he moved it into the light. Post doing this he noticed something he hadn’t before. Carved across the silver plating was a series of symbols. He saw a few that looked familiar, but couldn’t make out any sort of meaning.

Dylan seemed to lock eyes with the ring, no matter how crazy it sounded, the ring felt alive.

Over the sound of Mr. Jones Dylan heard a faint whisper. “Hello?” Dylan shouted. His classmates looked around frantically towards him, each eye wide with fear.

“Hello, Mr. Porter, we can all hear you.” The once quiet class burst into laughter, following the undoubtedly sarcastic comment from Mr. Jones.

“No, I…” Dylan froze. He couldn’t tell what was more strange, the whispering in his head, or the giant shard of metal pierced through the front tire of the bus. “Whoah! What happened?”

The bus driver glared at him blankly, another sarcastic comment already forming on his lips. “It seems Dylan has some listening problems, eh?” The man walked over placing a hand on Dylan’s shoulder.

Once again the class lit up with laughter. Dylan felt his face heating up, turning a bright pink. Never in his life had he ever been so embarrassed, especially by a teacher.

After a few long moments of embarrassment, Dylan piped up. “Seriously whats going on?!”

The class fell silent. “I'm not entirely sure; it seems like we must have hit some scrap metal on the road.”

Dylan examined the metal. From what he could see, it was no ordinary scrap. It had minute carvings scratched into it. No one else seemed to notice this, so he brought it to Mr. Jones’ attention.

“So, why are there little symbols on the metal?”

Mr. Jones glared at Dylan as if he had insulted him in some odd way. “I see no…” He paused making quotes with his hands. “Little symbols.”

The man reached into his pocket pulling out an old outdated flip phone. He punched in a few numbers and the phone began to ring. “Hello? Yes, this is John. “

Must be the school, Dylan thought.

The sidewalk was getting slick and Dylan began to feel tired. He wondered about the giant shard, and how it had just appeared in front of the bus, and the fact that he was the only one who could see the writing engraved into the ring.

He tried drowning out his thoughts with music, but it didn’t seem to work. The thoughts lingered in his mind, refusing to leave.

What had he just unearthed? He imagined it was just some random coincidence and that it would all be forgotten in a matter of hours; but this was different, the symbols, they're Nordic. Dylan couldn't explain how he knew, he just did.



So overall thoughts:
I liked Dylan's character. He was obviously not stupid and aware of the dangers around him, and wasn't willing to just accept the easy truth but fight for the harder truth. Mr. Jones also brought some quirkiness into the story with his sarcasm that humiliated Dylan, but I would've liked to hear more mention of some of Dylan's other struggles, like maybe a rough family life or a lack of friends at school or being unpopular. It also seemed a little cliche, a kid finding a magical ring. Maybe adding your own twist to it would help it seem more original. Other than that, it was a great plot idea, and your writing was very good in most places. Your verb choices were strong, which helped the story come alive more, so keep up the good work!

Best wishes,
MJ




Rinos says...


Thanks for the feedback MJ. I appreciate your comments and I will definitely work on the points you mentioned.




It's easier to come up with new stories than it is to finish the ones you already have. I think every author would feel that way.
— Stephanie Meyer