Published June 9, 2008
Scarlet Knuckles
It started with a chair
That tied me to the Earth.
One figure, one person
Laughed as I screamed.
I couldn’t once escape
From my wooden prison.
Two lashes, two beatings;
Blood spattered on the wall.
A river of pleasure
For his twisted mind;
He siphoned, he drank
From my scarlet knuckles.
My hands were like a field
So fresh after war.
My struggle, my writhing
For his lustful army.
I tried to dial the phone
To save what life I had.
Ten fingers, ten numbers
So useful yet so dead.
And now I still am tied
To roots that hurt me so.
They’re stealing, they’re taking
My will back to him.
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
This is really good, but I don't feel like you are consistent through out the work. I fell like it is being told from an outside point of view more like an unobtrusive 3rd person POV, instead of a 1st person POV. I don't feel at all connected with the narrator, but fear not, it is easy enough to fix. Just go back and add in details, be nit-picky with your details. And don't forget this is poetry have a little fun with it. If you want to be morbid, be morbid, if you want to blood....be bloody. --But you have a really good start here, I enjoyed reading it
LP
Wow, this is definitely gory. But you gave away too much, and told us far too much for me to think -'I really care about this speaker'. Let me level with you. So you watch a horror film, and from the very first second it begins, someone is killed. How much do you care about that person's death? Now imagine a real life situation- a person that you've known for a long period of time is seriously injured in a car accident. Of course, they are fine, but you are going to care much more about the latter because that is a real person, and a real situation.
You need to shift your attention from brutal words in this piece to creating a believable situation, gradually raise tension, then shock us! It's the set of rules for a successful novel, and it works the same with poetry.
Right. Show more. What does this figure look like? If you want us to believe this, then I don't think we will care if it seems as if they've been whisked up in your mind on the spur of the moment. Characters in novels don't drop from the sky- the writer spends months, years even slowly working the people in their work to become more realistic.
Lashes? Did they sting?
What texture is the blood? Thick?
It's disgusting but we as readers crave the details. Without them, we yawn and switch off.
The ending is something to merit. It's a good concept raised, but to make it have punch you need to work on the beginning and middle of the poem.
Hope this helps,
Eimear