Published June 20, 2008
One in Need
I see a sack of arrogance
you filled with joyful air.
Its air that you devoured,
is like a greedy sinkhole
dragging the Earth into hell.
I see a red, ripe tomato
you have feared to pluck.
It hangs on a proud vine,
a vine of comeuppance
that grew up in hubris.
I see a crystal, clear pond
you filled with dark spoils.
It emits ripples of joy,
and tsunamis of rage
when I break the shield.
I see a tired, weary face,
you struck with stinging pain.
It needs forgiveness,
and a place to get clean.
Will you wash it yourself?
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139,506 Literary Works • 672,595 Reviews
hmm, nice. Affraid that all I can really say
-Max
Mm. You have some interesting imagery in this, but IMHO it fails due to the fact that nothing is really connected and, ultimately, nothing happens. This poem feels stillborn: several verses, all repeating a theme, ending with what is supposed to be a point of impact but somehow falls flat.
My suggestion? You need to figure out what you're trying to say, and work out how to express this in different ways which are connected and don't merely sound like echoes of one another. I like the ending, it has the potential to be very strong, but there needs to be some substance behind it for it to work.
Happy editing!
~bubbles
Clearly this one had some anger behind it, and that's what made it so good. The emotion made me feel the power behind the words. And then of course, the imagery helped as well. I can't find anything that really needs critiquing. It was nice work.