Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a really funny little short story. It had some really well done humor and overall told a pretty interesting story. The first part and second part seemed slightly disjointed but I think that's not too much of an issue.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Edward Grinshaw was the sheriff of Merrington County. He was an assertive and confident man. He considered himself damn well near the best sheriff in all of the Green West counties. His shot was better than okay, and though he was forty-five, he was still the fastest draw of any of these salt-licking deputees, by far. He also had an acutely keen ear for gunshots, so when one went off a quarter mile from his office, he was on his horse and riding before the echo ceased its reverberation.
Well that seems highly dramatized but plausible enough. And its a pretty fun choice of opening there.
There was only one road in Merrington, and it was called Westminster Alley. Along Westminster, there were various housing complexes, bars, barbers, grocers, stables, and a few government buildings. The road wound in an upward spiral from the docks at the sea below, up to the top of Merrington, where the Sheriff’s office was. Sheriff Grinshaw rode recklessly through the street, barreling down the slope to where he heard the gunshot.
That's a nice description there to start things off.
The cloaked man heard Grinshaw coming as soon as he led his horse from its stable. Cunning he may have been, but restrained he was not. By the time the Sheriff had rode the ten minutes through town and was in front of The Ocean Maid’s Fury Saloon, all that was left was a trail of dust out of town, a blood soaked horse, and a body with no head.
Is it just me or did this dude just actually shoot a person's head of? Because that seems like you'd need a pretty serious weapon to do and such weapons are not the kind that a single person can fire and then run away with.
Pinks, browns, and reds clouded Grinshaw’s eyes, and he stumbled backwards at the sight of the ugly mess. The sheriff threw up his breakfast of eggs and bacon and wiped his mouth with the handkerchief he kept in his breast pocket. After coughing and spitting for a few minutes more, he took the blanket from the red horses back and opened it up with one swift flick. The blanket settled calmly over the corpse, but a section in the middle remained in the air.
Well you'd think the sheriff would be a little bit more used to seeing things like that than just throwing up like that.
They walked in silence for two hours before the man finally spoke to Phillip. As they walked, his cloak trailed behind him for five feet, and slithered after like liquid midnight. The cloak was alive, sentient in its own right. Entombed in it were souls, “ Souls of the retched! ” he would later boast. Each collected soul took its place as a star in the infinite expanse of Sugnoma Lived.
Umm okay this story took a very unexpected turn all of a sudden there.
Still nothing. Phillip turned his face to the ground again, and kicked dirt up as he trudged along. As Phillip was gazing at the spray of dust shooting from his boot tip, his eyes fell upon the end of the man’s cloak. To Phillip it looked like the darkest night’s sky, only shimmering and fluid. Once his eyes had set on the cloak, Phillip found it impossible to turn away. Instead his mind took him deeper and deeper into the expanse of the garment. Before long he was ambling along mindlessly, completely engrossed in this...this..
Well that is a pretty nice little scene that you've got yourself there. Great description.
“A spectacle? Sure, I guess. Whatever that means. But what is it made out of? I mean, no seamstress, or tailor that I’ve ever seen could make something like this.” Phillip was studying every inch of the cloak but couldn’t find a single...
Well nice to see humans being human and then trying to fit this into a normal setting.
The man laughed heartily again, and scruffed up the boy’s hair, like an older brother would his young sibling. “At your age, I doubt if you’ve met three tailors that were outside of your immediate kin. Furthermore, the way in which this cloak was constructed is far beyond your current limit of comprehension. I don’t say this to sound smug, no, but to help you adjust to the plethora of changes you’re soon to experience.” The man flashed this boy, who had no idea he was already this man’s apprentice, a genuine warm smile.
Well that did sound pretty smug there.
Phillip looked at the man with one eyebrow raised in an expression of amused confusion. The boy smiled and shook his head, shrugged his shoulders, and told his tale.
Oooh cliffhanger there. Now I really must know what this tale is.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall it was a nice little story to read. The description was a little gory but overall it was fun and I like the voice that the characters have. I don't think I've got any suggestions that could improve this more...its really good as is. Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253913
Reviews: 4100
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