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Young Writers Society



I love it. I mean you.

by Rincewind


Let me forget
let me forget
Or let me go let me go
I'll keep it quiet as a whisper
I'll keep it low low low
Never
The biggest word I ever heard
Stop dead
Stop dead
You're getting too close

Before you even opened your eyes
I moved about a million ways
I killed about a million people
And filled about half a day
Before you even opened your eyes
You had to have to ask me who
I love it
I mean you

My face was in your hands
You looked into my eyes
You said I tasted right
And swallowed me alive

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Points: 890
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Thu Sep 08, 2005 1:28 am
Elizabeth wrote a review...



Did you happen to love a mega mouthed shark? :P
Sorry, lol, I'll be more realistically rational once I get some sleep and stop thinking about how much I love/hate politics and history.




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75 Reviews

Points: 890
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Thu Sep 08, 2005 12:58 am
forest_ofthe_nightingale wrote a review...



This is a really awesome poem, but I don't like how you doubled phrases twice in a row:

Let me forget
let me forget
Or let me go let me go
I'll keep it quiet as a whisper

You need more than a conjunction between repeated phrases... it's a nice effect, but you can't over-do it or you won't receive the complete effect. You did it really well here:

I'll keep it quiet as a whisper
I'll keep it low low low
Never
The biggest word I ever heard
Stop dead
Stop dead
You're getting too close

You have at least a full phrase in between the repetitions, which I like much better. By the way, I love your closing! Absolutely chilling!!!





As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda