This is the first chapter of a book I am writing! Enjoy! I there is enough likes, I will continue it.
The smell of the ocean breeze was overpowering as I walked by the harbor. It was the same mile trek that I took everyday to and from school. It was ok, but then again I was used to it. My home was pretty far, but it was worth as my parents said, because of the great education the my school provided. They could not drop me off or pick me up, so here I was walking, going through a summary of my day in my head. As the breeze blows on, I notice the usual hustle and bustle of the harbor men hauling crates full of newly captured sea-life. The stench was bad at first, but walking by as often as I do, you get used to it.
I sigh with relief when I realize that I am not far from home. I was eager to go do my home work, and just take a nap to recover from the exhausting day I had. The harsh teachers put loads of work on us as they had been doing for the past week with exams only being a few weeks ahead. The only time that we had breaks were during lunch or during class changes, which were full of the usual chatter and gossip of the normal 14 year olds that i went to school with. It was the same old routine that I was used to. The only thing that kept my life interesting was my friend Macy. She always would tell me great stories that would always change depending on the day. She always loved my reactions after she would ask her usual questions. Her favorite one was “Do you know what happened next Bella?” She would never let me ask or guess what would happen, so I always found it a comical thing that she did regularly.
I walk up my driveway as I notice that the door is ajar. I found this curious, for my parents were always so keen on keeping our doors closed and locked at all times. I am a little nervous as I take my first steps into the house.
“Hello? Mom, Dad, you guys home?” I say and a scared voice.
I hear movement upstairs, but no reply. As I cautiously go up the stairs, there are a few more noises, but by the time I am at the top, the movement had ceased.
“Mom, Dad?” I feebly ask, chilled by the lack of response. I just know someone is up there- just don’t know who...
I turn the corner as I slowly make my way into my parent’s room. They are just sitting there, with tear-stained faces, absolutely still. I begin to try and ask for a explanation of what was going on, but I was interrupted by my mom saying in a soft voice that I could only just understand:
We’re sorry, it has to be this way!”
I barley had the chance to say anything before strong hands pull me back from behind.I was creaming and writhing as I fought to escape, but with no prevail. A hay sack was roughly placed on my head as my arms and legs were being bound with rope. I hear my mom begin to cry softly.
“Hush!” I hear a gruff voice of a man bellow at my mom as she abruptly stops. I give one last feeble attempt to escape, but the bounds nor mask would give. I scream out for my parents, but there is no answer.I am now more confused as ever as I am being carried down the flight of stairs.I hear the men talking in hushed tones that I can barley make out. There is only one thing that I know for sure - I am in great danger.
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
hello here just here to give you a little review here. So far this story seems to be rather interesting so far. I personally like it so, the start pretty simple and steady. Also it's first person which I like. I personally don't see a lot of storys told in the first person.
Also I like the vocabulary used in this actually. I never really see words like ajar.
some of the things that I've noticed when reading this was a few grammatical mistakes and punctuation.
I looked at the other reviews and I might as well use the same example that we all noticed:
We’re sorry, it has to be this way!”
you forgot the " in front of the sentence and the , was not needed but since everyone has pointed that out already I'm sure you've noticed and will fix that problem. and another thing the sentence
'I barley had the chance to say anything before strong hands pull me back from behind.I was creaming and writhing as I fought to escape, but with no prevail.'
Be sure to put a space after periods and also 'creaming' I'm pretty sure you meant to say screaming, be sure to re read your chapters to catch little mistakes like that. I should really work on that as well.
But besides that this seems interesting, the cliff hanger was nice ending. Keep writing
I meant to say screaming! I think auto-correct did that! Thanks for reading!
This is a great chapter one. I really like it, but I think that it could use some more detail. So let's start with nitpicks.
-Nitpicks.
1. In paragraph 2 homework is all one word. (Just so you know)
*Bye the way... Don't take this nitpicks to harsh, I am just telling you your mistakes, but everyone does it, so don't take these the wrong way. Thanks*
2. when you say...
A few things wrong with this sentence. The first thing wrong with this sentence is... The comma after the word sorry isn't needed. It's an extra comma that can create run-on sentences. The next thing wrong with this is that.... Before the word We're you forgot your quotation mark. The last thing wrong with this... You don't need the exclamation point at the end of the sentence if the parents are supposed to be sad. You don't need it because that means you are trying to create excitement. And if your kid was taken away, I don't think you would be to excited. *(Just saying)*
Other than those to things you are looking pretty good. *Likes chapter 1* This was very good and I loved it. I can't wait to read chapter to. I will be on the edge on my seat until it is written and published!!!
Anyway, keep up the good writing,
Love,
Dogs
P.S. What was it like for the character? How was the character feeling to be taken away? Remember in your next chapter answers these questions and add detail!!!
Hi Chrissy (again)! Nice work here. There are quite a few grammatical errors, so I'll start with that. I apologize for the crudity, but I really just want to get these out of the way and get into the real stuff. I included the sentence parts so you could find the errors with command f.
- A" in front of We’re sorry, it has to be this way!”
- Space between the period and the I in both sentences, and barely instead of barley here: .I am now more confused as ever as I am being carried down the flight of stairs.I hear the men talking in hushed tones that I can barley make out.
- No space between home and work (paragraph 2)
- Capital I here: that i went to school with (paragraph 2)
- Comma between next and Bella: Do you know what happened next Bella?
- I walk up my driveway and notice: I walk up my driveway as I notice that the door is ajar.
- In instead of and: say and a scared voice
- I turn the corner and slowly make my way into my parents room: I turn the corner as I slowly make my way into my parent’s room.
When you say in the beginning "harsh teachers", I think that it would flow better without it. When you describe all the work they give you, we already know that they are harsh.
You can eliminate the comment about "It was ok, but I was used to it." because you have a much stronger way of describing it in the last sentence.
When you say that she walks a mile home from school, it seems to me that that isn't really that far. Has she been walking for longer already?
Also, you seem to switch from present tense to past quite a bit. I would look over the paper and correct that, as this is very confusing to your reader.
Your writing is somewhat choppy, but that can be resolved easily in redrafting. Overall, great job! Keep writing, I for one will read it.
-ClippedWings
Thanks so much
P.s. Great job on getting literary spotlight...twice at the same time!!
Yay! I am so proud- but I thank YOU GUYS! I would not be there without you!
Seriously, great job Chrissy! That's amazing!
Yay!
Hey!
So, I only have minor things review type things. So, please put spaces after periods. I mean, I know it's your natural nature but it just looks easier to read and look at. It's only in certain places as well. Not everywhere so I'm assuming just minor typos, eh? Also, you misspelled scream here:
Also, another question. So, the mother and father just randomly have haysacks in their bedroom or wherever they where? (Sorry. I skipped a head, a lot, because I had already read a lot of this in class).
Anyways, enough nitpicking. This is really cool and I want to see where it goes. It's interesting, to me, as one of your friends, in both the real and virtual world, to see you progress as a strong willed writer and reader and person in general.
Please plan on finishing this and just remember that you should take some constructive criticisms and leave some aside. Maybe take in not so much in an overwhelming load or all at once. But, if you are looking forward to being a serious author you have to remember not everyone will like it or approve of what you have written. Some will reject it. While others will love and cherish what you write. P.S. I better be the first to know if you DO get a book published!!
~Tiff
Thanks so much!
Chrissy im not counting this as a review because right now im on mobile but i just wanted to tell you that this is a great start there are some things that can be changed but ill get into that in a review. Dont let rude reviews get you down love this chapter has a lot of promise
Thanks Mem! <3
Hello! Flash here for a review.
I saw this and decided to read it. I first read two reviews below and was absolutely APPALLED! The two reviews below are terribly rude and yet there are TONS of errors in their logic.
First of all, yes, this did kind of remind me of a Lifetime Movie Network movie. Is it a widely used theme? Yes. But hey, every character has a different story to tell! I'm sure Bella's will be unique.
Yes, I believe the title DOES match this! It's pretty much foreshadowing Bella's escape from her captor. Anyone with logic and foreshadow that.
And the "suggestions" below... Please do not use the "damsel in distress" theme. It's WAY more cliche than anything else, because it's used in multiple genres.
I don't see anything really wrong with this story, other than a few technical errors. Perhaps you could add a bit more description, too. But those are little mistakes.
I hate being blunt indirectly towards other reviewers, but one shouldn't be brought down when their story is perfectly FINE. Anyway, please don't be discouraged.
Keep writing!
~Flash
Thanks so much!!!!!!
Honestly like I said it was only terrible when you decided to have him enter the house instead of calling the police to be safe. Because honestly seems like you follow a common theme in 100% of horror/thiller/monster movies. Characters are as dumbed down as possible. Yes I saw you added horror to the genre, but the way the parents reacted still punches to many holes into a story, and their reactions make no sense, the only function of the human mind that's intact 100% of the time in a horror/thiller/monster plot is maternal instincts, the desire for a mother too die protecting her child. Fathers would do the same, neither would let that happen to their child as long as they are conscious or alive horror plot or not. For that too work you would have to kill off the parents BEFORE he saw them.
But I have thought of one way you could salvage this despite all the obvious holes in the story and characters reactions. First of all you will need to follow a damsel in distress theme. Innocent person gets captured, unlikely underdog you would least expect shows up, kicks down doors and asks questions later until helpless victim is saved. Like taken, underdog, anything with aquaman. The kind of people you don't expect or assume will fail. Only way I think this story could be salvaged but that's just me. I doubt I will be the only one to point out the significance of the stuff I mentioned in my review.
ok...
P.S. the main character's name is Bella, and is a girl.
Yeah I guess I missed it for not being mentioned more than once or twice, character names need to be emphasized when introduced. Once or twice is easy to miss or forget when a lot of he said she said is done.
Like I said in my review the parents would die before letting Bella be kidnapped. Unless you're going to try telling me they planned it, which still makes it a felony one on 2 different charges. A life sentence btw. Also she would have had enough warning alarms going off in her head before reaching her parents door that you could deafen then planet.
Your story has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. And makes as much sense as a man diving into a volcano a second from eruption and expecting to live. It really doesn't have any possibilities that make sense. Unless you fix the current contradictions, nothing you add will be any better, it will just keep contradicting. I don't give white lies, I give honest responses. You have to many flaws that need fixing to have anything you can add make sense.
Most likely outcome is her parents organized the kidnapping because it's the only reason nobody would get hit during the crime, and the only explanation for why the mother can stop crying when ordered to. But even that only covers half your contradictions.
This story could be really good. But right now it's a contradicting mess that nothing added will help but make things worse. Like messy room, you add more the mess gets worse, you fix it and stuff will be better. You need to fix what is present, before adding to it.
Well, for now on can you please not do reviews the way you just did these? I think that 95% of it did not help, but did hurt. If you could refrain from doing it again I would really appreciate it! Thanks for the GOOD help though!
Then you misread or misunderstood what I said. I pointed out a problem I saw, said why it's a problem, listed solutions to each. The easiest being simply the title. "The escape" he is clearly captured in the last line. The title vhanged, first thing I even said. Would fix a lot. Because that's clearly the opposite of what happened. Think about your story in a horror setting as a viewer. Would you believe a parent who loves their child would allow them to be kidnapped and not even try to save their kid? No. Why did the parents do nothing? 1:They planned it. 2: They don't love their kid. 3: They are imposters. Only possibilities that fit though two would be placed too soon. Those questions are two major things that don't work in a first chapter without explanation. Aside from contradiction only way I can describe it is too much too soon lacking the core questions Why? How? Who? A lot on this site (myself included accidentally put an info dump sometimes) this is the opposite, it's a lack of major details. The story was going to fast without explaining those three core questions in many places.
I explained it differently after trying to be nicer than nice.
Just to make sure that you read this I takeaway here is a link to an article that your should read
Tough Love or Just Being Mean?
Ok wtf!
First problem I have is the title, should be "The kidnapping" if anything because he is taken and obviously liam neason isn't gonna help him escape. Seriously though, the title and this chapter don't match, they are total opposites. They don't work together at all.
Second major problem I have is if his parents were truly overly paranoid he would be homeschooled, that's what a paranoid parent does. Not to mention he walked home from what you had said wasn't close.
Third major problem, he saw the door was ajar which his parents would never do. Obviously they weren't their alone, or being burglarized while away. Anyone with half a brain would go next door if they don't have a cell phone, or use it if they do and call the police.
Fourth major problem, he heard noises but they didn't respond, common sense called and said turn around and gtfo as fast as possible.
Fifth major problem. He heard the noises stop when he hit the top step. OBVIOUSLY if nothing was wrong they would have responded the first time or the second, or now. He should have been talking to the cops by now.
Sixth major problem. He kept walking anyway like someone as braindead as a vegetable. Short of someone with severe autism that doesn't know better any real person would have every urge and instinct telling them to run before he hit the top step, yet he is in their doorway.
Seventh major problem. The parents are crying, yet their own kid get kidnapped. If they were crying they care, but letting him get kidnapped proves they don't. That doesn't work because like the title you are saying one thing and doing the opposite.
I have seen a couple stories on here I thought were soso, or bad. But personally your whole story doesn't work. No offense but putting it in a realistic scenario like this (unlikely but realistic nonetheless) things would never happen like that. To do a story in realistic boundaries you really need the characters to react within reason to a given situation. Normal/normal fight or flight/danger willing to die for their child/kidnapping. Your whole story is a nonstop contradiction at the end and just doesn't work. Your title doesn't work, the characters reactions don't work, a mother able to stop her crying on command doesn't work. I really don't think any of it works. You need to rework the entire ending starting at the his seeing the door ajar or change the title. You also need to change how the parents react because crying but doing nothing to try and stop the kidnapping really just doesn't work.
Well thanks for your honest opinion...
But things will make for sense as the book goes one- this is only chapter one.
It doesn't make sense right now, it's hard to progress an unrealistic situation in a realistic setting.
you misspelled Liam Neeson kevin
Yeah I know I spelled his name wrong. It's not easy to stay still after 20 or more energy drinks like monster and rockstar with the extra caffeine boost from mtn dew. I'm just now after 6 hours feeling drained. Plus haven't seen his name spelled since taken 1 like 5 years ago.
Have you been near a tv lately??? Also you shouldnt really use words or acronyms like "wtf" i dont mean to be rude or anything but you shouldnt write reviews to bring writers down
Wasn't too bring them down. Was an honest review. I said wtf because that ending is a contradiction like the entire story. And no I don't watch tv, or listen to the radio much. But yes I'm aware the guy is in a movie I believe just came out in Ohio a day or two ago. I said I haven't seen his name, not that I haven't heard it.
Kevin here is a link to an article that your should read Tough Love or Just Being Mean?
Yeah I know what I said. I know what I meant, if someone else takes it differently not much I can do about it. Tough love is like when truth hurts no matter how its said, for example. A doctor in the ER hands the father in the waiting room his child and says sorry for your loss. It's impossible to say without causing pain. Vs hey your gf is dead here is your baby. Which is just adding extra pain to a already tough situation.
I pointed out what was a contradiction, lack of information, oversight no matter what you want call it by the honesty is the same. Said what was wrong about it.
I didn't say hey this sucks but could be alright. That would be mean, and dishonest. This story could be really good. But denying something only makes it worse that's basic human psychology. I said nothing rude, I wrote a review pointed out something, said what was wrong. What would have been rude is saying nothing and leaving it be.
If you saw an elderly person on the ground trying to stand up but falling everytime do you ignore him and leave him be. No, you go over and offer to help only leaving if he tells you too.
Do you stand by as a kid is being hit by his parents in public. No, you step in and help the kid.
I wasn't doing anything but mentioning something. If someone else took what I said differently than it was meant that's not within my power to control. I pointed out a problem said how it's a problem. If being helpful is suddenly rude then my mistake. But otherwise I have said nothing wrong and whatever happened was not in my power to control. What others think or react is only in their own power to control.
Ok let me first say you are a bit** and I hope you die in he**. You have no right to be that mean to someone. Who gives a fu** if it is good or not. This is all about learning how to be better writers. We all need to encourage people. All we need right now is these bit**s on this website right now. You never know what people are going through and this type of thing might be the last straw for them. You are a bit** and you know it. You are an a** hole and you know it. You might not give a fu** about what I am saying right now, but guess what neither do I. I am only doing it to stick up for a friend who was hurt because of this. I have know some people that have wanted to commit suicide because of this kind of stuff. So you should really ask you stupid fu**ing self next time will this hurt somebody or will it make them feel good about them selves. I do care if you report me this means NOTHING TO ME. I am just here to stick up for a friend. Report me all you want. Nothing can make me not coming back and haunting you for the rest of your life. So you can go take you a** fu**ing self to fu**ing self to he**. So let that be a lesson to you.
Calm down rose! Let's jeu everyone be nice on here, we are here to help people write, not to hurt their feelings, so do not do it again! Let's just leave it at that!
It's funny how people are still going on about this. I didn't say anything rude, but people just keep going on and on. If someone saw something they thought seemed rude they took it the wrong way it's that simple. But people just keep going, like the energizer bunny.
Hello, steampowered here for a review!
First of all, I really enjoyed reading this, and I think you should continue it. There’s definitely a lot of action in this first chapter – I’m not sure if it’s a good or a bad thing, given how fast-paced it is – but I think I like it. Also, this was a great length to read and review, as it wasn’t too long
but that cliffhanger. Why did you have to end with that cliffhanger? Now I’m desperate to find out more…Anyway, I found the ideas very intriguing, and I’m really interested to find out why Bella has been kidnapped, and why her mother has stood back and allowed it to happen. Also, who’s the man? Is he Bella’s dad, or someone else entirely? You have a lot of mystery going on here, and I’m looking forward to some of this being explained in later instalments – assuming, of course, that you do decided to continue it.
The biggest issue I noticed with this (and it shouldn’t be too hard to fix) is the tense changes. It looks a little bit messy because you keep skipping from past to present tense, to back again. I don’t suppose it was intentional, so I thought I’d point it out. Choose one tense and stick to it.
Your first couple of paragraphs are quite long, and I’d recommend splitting them up into smaller chunks so you don’t overwhelm the reader. Maybe your second paragraph could be something more like this:
Just breaking the text up a bit more might improve the readability, but it’s obviously your choice to make.
I have a couple of nitpicks, but not much else:
14 should probably be written out as “fourteen.” “i” should certainly be capitalised.
Just a suggestion, but maybe you could show rather than tell the reader that Bella’s scared. Perhaps something along the lines of, “I say. There’s a slight catch in my voice as I speak, and I notice my hands are shaking” or something like that? (Obviously that was just an example) If you decide to keep what you had before, it should be “in a scared voice” rather than “and a scared voice”.
There are a couple of small errors that you might want to fix (typos that the spellcheck doesn’t pick up on are the bane of any author’s life…) It should be barely, not barley, and she’s “screaming” not “creaming.” Also, should it be “to no avail” rather than “with no prevail”?
This is also a really fussy point to make, but is “placed” the best word to describe the hay sack? If you’re going to use the adverb “roughly”, why not have a stronger verb to begin with? Maybe something like “forced over my head” or “shoved over my head”?
This doesn’t quite make sense. Do you mean, “but neither the bounds nor mask would give”? Also, it should be “bonds” or “bindings” rather than “bounds”, and is it a mask? I would have thought a better word would be “hood”.
Again, barely not barley.
As I said before, this was an interesting and mysterious read, and I’d love to find out what happens next! Keep up the writing, and feel free to let me know if you upload any more!
Thanks so much!
How do you get those beige blocks?
@ClippedWings , you do