I got the title from another poem by somebody famous. It was on a test, so I was not able to write it down and I forgot it.
P.S. This is uncharacteristically dark.
Death and Forever or This Is 333 Words Long
The hands of death are knotted
Round the world lightly-dotted
Digging chasms long and deep
When children softly sleep
And their parents in their room, A groom and bride
Who cannot suppress what they feel inside
They bring death by bringing life indeed
By kindly spawning more mouths to feed
forever? determines population
That and hard extermination
Hard, but you cannot feel or hear or
Taste or smell, just grab a mirror
And look at invisible death, his hands he winds
Around the earth, his scythe he grinds
Against the sun while the earth is nighting
And soft little children dream of fighting
Exciting?
Since death and forever will soon conflict
Whether by burst of a bomb, or razor’s nick
Or flaming horsemen heaven-sent
Eternity is imminent.
Forever is eternal
It is all
But death can’t stay the same at all.
How will you go? So many choices! Have fun!
We can go alone or together or one by one
Since everyone dies and poets know it
Some of them will try to bestow it
With poison and paper they cultivate it
While others try to debate or sate it
And the Goddies want to consecrate it
You can’t abate it! He just keeps moving
The scythe is swinging and the reaper’s grooving
With all of this death, death must be on meth
How else could someone kill the ones he knows best?
I’m not impressed.
He may keep a straight face in bone
But we know that one day it has to snap and groan
And creak some week in forever, and the person will show through
And then even mortal eyes can see what he’ll do.
Maybe death will be happy
Maybe death will feel sad
Maybe death will feel crappy
Maybe death will get mad
Maybe he’ll be overjoyed
Maybe he’ll get annoyed
Maybe death will be inspired
Maybe death will get tired.
I think I’ll go take a nap now
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Canary word: Present
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Ok, let's see...firstly I'd scrap "This Is 333 Words Long." It makes it sound too mechanical, and is unneccesary.
The rhyming couplets were brave, but I'm not sure they're right for this poem, and I'd scrap the whole "maybe" section.
If you were to keep the couplets, I'd make some slight changes. The second line is weak, especially after such a good opening line. I'd put a word before "children" to help with the flow, just one syllabyl, maybe "the" or "young".
Line five is a little clumsy, Maybe try:
"And their parents in their room,
(adjective) groom and (adjective) bride" (try two syllabyls each).
I'd change "more" to "many", as you need another syllabyl, and change "cannot" to "can't" and "his" to "the", and get rid of "exciting", and "a" in "burst of a bomb".
"Since" to "all" is good.
I'd get rid of "How" to "one" it sounds like you're promoting suicide and it makes light of your poem, and the"bestow it" line doesn't make sense. Also, don't use "goodies", it undermines your serious tone, as does "grooving".
I'm sorry, but I think that this needs to be reworked.This time actively choose a tone and maintain it. You will be more liberated without the couplets.Good luck, and I hope this helps.
This is very, very strange. It's very apocalyptic, but then it has this rhyme scheme... it kind of throws me off, really. You have some interesting ideas, but I think what this poem really needs is to be printed out, chopped up into lines with a pair of scissors, and re-arranged. It would also have more impact if it were shorter. As it is now, it doesn't really arrive anywhere at the end.
The first line is... iffy.
The second line really needs to be changed, in my opinion. Neither of them "scan" syllable-wise. Take a closer look at where the accents of words fall on lines like this.
The "ermin" repetition sounds sing-songy to me. That's what's sort of interesting about this poem: it's about death and yet the rhyming brings to mind "My Shadow" by Robert Louis Stevenson. It's almost.... whimsical, and I'm not sure that's what you intended.
I like this part. There's build-up, and then a resolution, and it has an impact.
This is what is confusing me so much about this poem. It just turns around and heads in completely the opposite direction with respect to voice and mood. With phrasing like "and poets know it" and "the reaper's grooving" you've outside of even the of even black comedy - it's very avant-garde and I'm not sure how to approach it. As a reader, it's very difficult to relate to this. Some of the lines, such as the reference to the "Goddies," strike me as completely random. The internal rhyming doesn't fit either, in my opinion. I'm just sort of lost. If you're attempting satire, it needs to be a little clearer in its convictions.
And everything from Maybe through Now... I would just cut that. Even if that's the part of the poem you wrote first, it comes across as an afterthought. If you really want to keep it, it would be better made into a separate poem of its own.
As it stands, this is an interesting expression of... bitterness? toward death? I'm guessing that this is one of those things that just sort of spilled out - I call mine "Athena" poems because they spring from my head fully armed and ready for battle. But regardless of how complete it might have seemed when you finished it, the focus of the piece really needs to be clarified some more. Just imagine that I'm going to pay you ten cents for every word you take out, and see if you can condense this a little.
"Death.....Now"
)
Intriguing,
Yeah, cut out those and what's in between.
All the best,
Ed
(Note to anyone who knows anything:
Sorry but I don't like this one. Listen to Claudette when she tells you to scrap the repetition and also, the rhyme just doesn't seem to work with this style of poetry. The flow needs a lot of work, the numbers in that first line should be written out fully in words. Your vocabulary is lacking in places. I skimmed through most of it the first time, made myself read it properly the second and I came to the conclusion that it's not my sort of thing. My apologies....
Well, like I said on your other poem, please punctuate. This poem did nothing for me. I didn't feel anything, I saw no imagery, I didn't like it. It just had nothing for me to care about. I think your line, "I'm not impressed," sums it up for me.
My suggestion: read more poetry.