At first you were perfect
An angel, descended from the heavens
To guard my heart.
But then I found you were tainted
A daemon sent to tear my world apart.
You sundered the sky
And with no where left to fly,
I cannot go on.
Your lies are nothing to me.
Your heart is nothing to me.
I am nothing to you.
You are me to me,
And we are both us to each other
At last
No longer
Forever.
You took my flesh,
And bathed in the bloody tears of my sorrow.
But I've had enough of this.
The stylishly ragged black boot has fallen
Into an abyss of pain.
You can only be wounded like this once.
I cannot put up with it any longer.
You're just too depressing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
I don't know. This wasn't your best, but I have to say, I love the imagery.
I know you get bored of hearing this, but the last line...
NEH!
I think it needs a little work and then it will go faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar.
Oops! Sorry! It didn't show up on my computer the first time I read it.
Nice, I feel very intelligent now
Sorry about that. Don't mind me...
I'm kidding. Read the subtitle. Then read it again.
I didn't like the last line either. Other than that, my only other comment is concerning the lines
To me, there are too many "you"s and "me"s. That might be personal preference, but the poem loses its sophistication here.
And I lied. I have one more comment. You used powerful words in these phrases:
They were depressing, but they invoked emotion and made the poem powerful.
The last line was out of synch with the rest of the poem. Before it was all "oh woe is me" and the last line was "ah well, have fun anyway!"
It was alright, but get another opinion on it.