The Interloper is a curious thing. Nobody knows its intent. Its words are vague, and you'll never know what your purpose is. One thing is for certain, however; if the Interloper needs you, it will send you a letter. And in it will be an adventure.
Author's Note: There is one bit with a perverted soldier. Do keep that in mind while reading, and know that this story is not headed in that direction. The innuendo is brief, mentions nothing anatomical, and is really up to interpretation to be honest. With that noted, have a good evening, dearest reader.
Jonah's eyes scanned the letter, passing over the strange, silver seal. The wax was left blank, as though the sender hadn't had the time to stamp it. His eyes passed over the black ink next, which spelled out a bizarre message;
You are called to the High King's Court, to aid in the extermination of a great threat.
Two other pairs of eyes did the same, and finally, one couldn't keep silent any longer; "I say we open it."
"That was pretty quick..." Jonah mumbled. "Well, we have Derrick's input. What about you Aubrey?"
"I don't see why not. I mean, it's a letter. There isn't a lump, so no bomb. Worst thing that could happen is we get glitter all over ourselves," she responded. Oh how much she would soon regret those words.
"Alright..." Jonah murmured, ripping open the letter. No glitter; that was a good start, right?
As he pulled out the piece of paper within, there was the strange feeling of movement. It was as though for the briefest moment, the world had decided to spin faster than normal. It was a feeling all to similar to the one someone gets on a roller coaster, and definitely not one they should have felt in a house.
"Did you two feel that..?" Aubrey asked as the feeling passed. The two boys only nodded; in all their eighteen years, they had never felt something like that in a house. In a plane or car, maybe, but not something meant to be stationary.
"What does the letter say?" Derrick asked, refocusing their attention on the piece of paper. Wondering what had happened would come later; for now, they wanted answers, and they hoped those answers could be found in the letter.
They were disappointed by what they found, for the message on the paper provided nothing. No hint was given concerning its origin, nor was their any explanation for what they had just felt. There were only five words;
You have accepted your quest.
"Not even a good luck..." Derrick mumbled, trying to lighten the mood slightly.
Jonah rolled his eyes, tossing the piece of paper to one side. "That was anti climactic. If it was meant to be a prank, then it was a terrible one, because I don't feel pranked."
"Actually, it was genius," Derrick pointed out. "I mean, think about it. You saw this letter, got curious, called us over, got hyped up about what it could mean, only for literally nothing. I mean, seriously! Whoever sent this toyed with our emotions all the way through! And they still are! I mean, now we have to wonder what quest we just accepted!"
As the two boys went back and forth over the supposed genius of the prank, Aubrey decided to check up on Jonah's mother, to see if she had felt movement when they opened the letter. When she stepped out of the room, however, the entirety of the normal world around her dissolved into a series of greens and browns, changing in the space of an instant from the inside of a suburban home to a dirt path surrounded by dense forest. The change had happened swiftly, and for a brief moment Aubrey didn't understand what had happened. It had caught her off guard, stunning her to the point that she didn't really feel any fear as she examined her surroundings.
A simple dirt path stretched out before her, seeming to go on for miles. On either side of her was forest, not a single human building in sight. She turned around, only to find the same thing; a dirt path, surrounded on each side by forest. Any indication that Jonah's room might have been there was gone, and even when Aubrey tried stepping through the spot where she thought the door would be, nothing happened. She was trapped.
As she stood there, puzzled, she heard the sound of footsteps behind her. She turned, startled and expecting danger, until she realized it was Jonah and Derrick. The two boys were looking around, seeming just as confused as Aubrey had been when she first ended up in this strange place. This confusion turned to alarm when they too realized that there was no going back.
Derrick's sense of humor did not fail him, "Well, there goes the neighborhood..."
Jonah glared at him, and Aubrey growled. The joke, however, had served its purpose, lightening the mood enough for the three to start thinking about what had happened.
"So... how did we get here?" Jonah asked, examining their surroundings.
"I think it was magic." Aubrey mumbled, stating what should have been obvious.
"But magic isn't real... right?" Jonah questioned. There was doubt in his voice, and why wouldn't there be?
"Then how do you explain our sudden relocation?" Derrick retorted dryly. "Because I'm pretty sure this was magic."
"Whatever..." Jonah sighed, glancing down the path. "Let's just figure out where this path goes. Hopefully it's a city or something..."
***
If Jonah had wanted to find a city, then he was disappointed, for one hour in they had found nothing. Two hours in, and they were exhausted, still with no sign of civilization. It was only once the sun was starting to set that the three happened upon a small building. It looked like something straight out of a fairy tale; smoke curled lazily from the chimney, and the sounds of undoubtedly drunken men could be heard, even from outside. A warm light shone through the windows, and inside they could see what appeared to be a party. Above the door was a sign; Inn of the Lost Home.
"Seems friendly enough..." Jonah mumbled.
"Yeah, drunk guys are very friendly." Derrick chuckled, walking past Jonah to head inside. Jonah and Aubrey reluctantly followed.
Nobody paid any attention to them as they walked inside, already too far in their drinks to notice a newcomer. The scent of alcohol, meat, and smoke hung in the air, and a variety of swords and axes were leaned up against a wall. Two of the men in the middle of the crowd wore plate armor, and the others wore chain-mail. They seemed to have scared the other customers away, because the group of soldiers were the only ones in the inn.
Feeling out of place, the three moved around the group to reach the bar. A barmaid stood behind the bar, and watched the three as they approached. As her eyes drifted over their strange clothing, she frowned; foreigners could mean trouble.
"Hello ma'am, we were wondering if we could get some help," Jonah said. "We're new to the area, and we were wondering if you could tell us where we are."
The barmaid seemed suspicious of the three strangers, but answered nonetheless, "You're in the High King's forest."
Aubrey heard the name and remembered the letter's message. If it was the letter that sent them here, then surely the High King much be important.
"Can you tell us about the High King?"
The barmaid frowned, glancing at the soldiers before answering, "The High King is the divine leader of these lands, the great benefactor who keeps the peace. He is ever merciful and always benevolent."
Jonah frowned a little, unable to help but notice the unenthusiastic tone of her words. He glanced over his shoulder at the soldiers, unable to help but ask, "Were you forced to say that?"
"You really are new here, aren't you?" Her voice lowered as she continued, "Things around here are different then where you're from. I suggest you leave quickly, the High King does not like newcomers."
"Why not?" Derrick asked.
"The High King likes to claim that foreigners bring disturbances to the peace, but I'm sure you know the true reason."
Jonah of course didn't know, but he didn't get the chance to ask about it before a soldier, possibly hearing mention of the High King, suddenly stepped up next to the group. The soldier had clearly been one of the heavier drinkers of the group, for the air around the man reeked of alcohol, to the extent that it nearly made Aubrey gag. This was only worsened when the man glanced down at Aubrey, giving her a half smile that exposed yellowed teeth.
"What do you want Alastor, another beer?" The barmaid asked, giving the soldier a smile. If there hadn't been alcohol and arrogance clouding the man's vision, he might have seen just how forced a smile it was.
"I want to know what these new fellows are doing here..." Alastor grumbled, apparently not intoxicated enough to lose his capacity for suspicion. The three were quite the oddity; all his life, Alastor had never seen clothes like the ones these newcomers wore, and they appeared to lack the well developed strength of a soldier or working man. Generally, that meant wealth; and Alastor didn't like the wealthy.
The barmaid glanced at the three, considering her options before speaking. "They were sent by my cousins to learn how to do manual labor. As you can tell, they clearly aren't used to it."
Alastor grunted in agreement. "The boys sure do. The girl however...I'm sure you can find some work for her in the barracks..."
Aubrey's eyes went wide in alarm; it didn't take a genius to understand what a drunken soldier would want from a girl.
The barmaid, thankfully, was quick enough to prevent that idea from going any further. "She'll have enough work as it is in the kitchen. You soldiers need food, don't you?"
The soldier grumbled an incoherent response, giving up and heading back to his friends to enjoy the rest of the night by the fire. The barmaid breathed a soft sigh of relief, before glancing at the three.
"Come on, let's get you three some proper clothing and a bed. You all look exhausted," she said, guiding the three away from the group of soldiers.
The three followed without question, all too happy to get away from the soldiers and into a nice, warm bed.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Hey Riellehn!
Shady here with a review for you this fine review day, courtesy of the blue team! My style tends to be making comments as I read about anything that stands out to me -- positive or negative -- and then giving a general summary of my thoughts at the end. Let's get started...
You want to watch with your future comments. This is the second time you made one like this (the first was where Aubry was going to regret her comment about glitter). It kind of detracts from the drama of the current moment. Like a comment like "Right now they wanted answers more than they cared to figure out what had happened" or something would work well.
But with the way you have it written now it has a mix between the tension of the current moment and a reflection on what is to come later, which is... odd? And kind of shoots your own conflict in the foot, because then our brains are like "oh okay there will be a later time where they'll wonder what's happened" and removes some of the sense of urgency, if that makes sense?
So instead of wondering if they'll be okay, or what happens next -- my brain is lulled into believing that they're going to be okay, if confused later on in the story. Where if you didn't include stuff like this my brain probably would be like anthrax! They're going to die! Something bad is going to happen to them! Which is removed when you give us the future guarantee of them reflecting back on this moment.
Kind of a strong assumption here, eh? How do they know that the inn just isn't a very popular place in the first place?
I mean, shouldn't that be something that all three of them are constantly thinking about? Like they were ripped out of their home and thrust into a fantasy world, but it takes the mention of the high king for her to even recall the letter that led to all this?
No, it really doesn't. And I think here not having such a heavy-handed approach would serve well. Just leave it at his comment and her wide eyes and trust us as the readers to get the meaning, without goading it with a further "you know what that means, right?!" like you have here
~ ~ ~
Okay! I quite liked this!
Great job on building the intrigue. You have set up a lot of questions that need answered -- who is this letter from? How did it come to be in possession of the kids? Where are they now? What's going to happen? Are they going to stay with the innkeeper? Is she a nice lady or actually an antagonist in disguise?
And that's excellent. It sets up the suspense and makes readers want to keep reading to see what you have for us in the next chapter. I wouldn't quite call this ending a cliffhanger but it does end with enough of a sense of interest to prod us into reading on, which is great.
Keep writing!
~Shady
Thank you for the input! Concerning the references to the future, well, those aren't references to the far future. In fact, that future occurred within this very chapter, but you're still right, I should pay more attention to that. I'll keep in mind the other things as well when I go back and edit this. I'm still new to this whole writing thing!
Greetings, Riellehn! I’m Querencia here to review your chapter on this fine day.
Okay, I must admit that I adore the idea of receiveing a quest in a letter and then actually appearing in that world! It’s just a super fun thing to play with. I'm going to go over some specific things I noticed before giving some general thoughts. Feel free to accept or reject any suggestion I make! c:
I'm not quite sure what kind of movement you mean here. Is it jolting, or more like a sliding or shifting feeling? Does the ground shake? Does it feel like doing a little jump straight up? Clarifying what the movement felt like can help you to better set your scene!
I would say that this is just a little more dramatic than "noticing something wrong"!
Maybe note that the path stretched on forever in the other direction as well to emphasize that the house is legitimately not there? Something like that could work well!
Mumbled, murmured, muttered, mumbled--this gets a little repetitive! You could just use "said", or else a dialogue tag with more meaning, such as "retorted"--all this mumbling describes for us is the fact that they're being quiet and their words are not entirely discernible, and I'm not entirely sure that they all need to sound like this.
Okay! So like I said before, I love the story your direction is going in. There are two main points I want to make; one is point of view. You're sort of in an omniscient perspective? Mostly it's the view of an outsider, but occasionally you dip into separate points of view, like the soldier and Aubrey (example below).
Of course, you can write in any style you want! But it might be a little easier to focus in on one character, or to switch between a few by chapter. That gives your story the style of a particular character, helps narrow the plot focus, and also helps readers better connect to characters--which brings me to my other point.
You've got a lot of great description going on, but not as much emotion and characterization. They could be any three kids--a leader, a joker, and a smart girl. I know that there will be growth and progression as the story continues, of course, but I think that it's important to get right down to the emotions, especially when something this big and life-changing happens! They're really quite mild about it all, even when they walked fruitlessly for like three hours.
Overall, though, I really enjoyed your story! I'm intrigued by the mysterious quest and how these three will fare in a world so different from their own. Feel free to let me know if/when you post another chapter--I'd love to read it!
Have a nice day,
-Q
Thank you for your input! There will indeed be more characterization later on, as this chapter was more meant to be an introduction of sorts (and to be quite honest, I feel as though I could have done better) but there will be more exciting moments later on. Even in chapter two, there will be a couple of realizations, and there will be a lot of progress with the character of Aubrey later on. Again, thank you for your input, I will be changing a few things thanks to it!
Additionally I will be focusing on individual characters later on, as at some point doing so will be necessary.