Published January 2, 2008
Listening.
To the pounding of the music
As it takes its final climax,
Breathing.
In…
Erotic, seemingly flamboyant
Patterns. Ice skating between my lips
And melting in your button-holes.
Smoke. Roiling dizzily between
Your fingers. Your eyes are closed.
Your body, open.
Everyone, drowns out.
Their busy words
Die, to our whispers.
And, you say…something.
The hollow of your neck
Becomes a pool of secret kisses.
Knots begin to fall loose
In my stomach.
I take a chance.
Lick the salt from my lips,
Open my eyes…
You’re sleeping.
---
don't ask. I'm having trouble writing anything lately. Please tear this apart.
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139,388 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
It's so deep and mysterious... I wish I could say more why I like it but, it's hard to explain why...
hmmm...I really liked this Rieda. It's mysterious with details of what you're talking about. I may be able to think of a meaning for it..But, yeah, it's really excellent.
Actually Ried to tell you the truth....I enjoyed....not sure really why though....maybe since it's mysterious and strange.....but i don't really know the meaning of it
-Uo The lady in gray
I like it, but it seems kind of random. Is there really any point?
I think the line breaks were too sudden. It felt really weird to read...I know it has a subject, but through most of it I am thinking, "This is all pretty language; where is the meat? the subject?" and it has a subject but it is still all pretty language. Pretty language is useless if you cannot get across a point with it. ^_^ What point are you trying to get to the audience? Because really, you want to make a point to the audience, and not to yourself. That was the other thing, and this might help you over all: keep your audience in mind.
Not that I write good poetry, haha.
Ooooh.
I could make out a meaning after a lot of thinking, and it was a really nice experience, this wasn't all that bad at all.
Reida, to be prefectly honest, I like this...I cannot say why. It seems...mysterious, and written in a way that makes the reader think A LOT. I like poems that make me think.
Chances are I'm insane and my crit matters about as much as a fly on your windshield, but there ya go.
Happy Writing
~Bella~